THE DESPAIN FAMILY

“I have an announcement to make,” 20-year-old Mikaela said over family dinner two years ago. Though parents Keate and Melissa were aware of her orientation, she hadn’t yet come out to her three siblings: KJ (married to Natalie and dad to sweet Harper), Savannah (married to Austin), and Kyra (married to Alex). “I like boys. But I also like girls.” It’s a moment many kids dread, not knowing the reaction they’ll face. For Mikaela, her recently returned missionary sister simply replied, “Yeah, I know.” Mikaela started bawling with relief, and her mom fondly remembers a “cuddle puddle of sibling support. It was such a weight lifted, to have others to carry the burden with her.”

 “Mom! It’s not a burden!” Mikaela quips with her trademark humor, as the two tell their story. The mother-daughter duo share a warm relationship with lots of laughter and patience as Mikaela has helped her mother Melissa navigate her orientation. Melissa still regrets how she first prodded Mikaela to come out before she was ready, thinking she was being helpful. “Don’t do it,” she advises other parents, “Just wait for them to come to you. I learned the hard way!” Since then, they’ve found their stride and there is love and laughter in their home on this topic. “And a lot of conversations,” Melissa adds.

Being an LGBTQ family in their horse town of St. Helens, Oregon has been “an interesting experience.” All the family cars have a round rainbow Ally sticker on the back, and Melissa says she has been pleasantly surprised how they are stopped by everyone from cowboys to customers at the car wash who thank them for making them feel safer. Mikaela is currently studying psychology online and is a cowgirl to the core. She rides all the gaming events and trails, participates on drill and equitation teams, and chases cows. Her horse Khodi has always provided “a massive safe space.” Melissa says, “One of my greatest joys is watching her do what she loves.” Melissa’s also watched with pride as her talented daughter’s writing has taken off on online platforms, where her works of fiction have ranked #1 and #2 in their genre and where Mikaela’s found a welcome community of friends who have become integral in her life. An empath, Mikaela has always made an effort to be there for others and is fiercely loyal to all in her circle. She loves music and taught herself how to play guitar to the soundtracks of Taylor Swift. Now, Mikaela takes her creativity to Tik Tok, where several of her videos (@woahmikaela) have gone viral.

At first, Mikaela was hesitant to come out to family, because she had seen a close friend in the church face rejection from her father after coming out. Melissa says, “I think it scared her right back into the closet.” While Melissa initially ruminated about all the whys and what ifs, husband Keate took a laid-back approach to his daughter’s coming out, telling Melissa, “Just because you didn’t know this about her doesn’t mean God didn’t. He created Mikaela this way; He was just waiting for her to share it with us.”

Being accepted fully by her family and “mostly” by the members of the church has helped Mikaela remain comfortable attending. She recalls when she first realized she was attracted to both boys and girls (at 12), she felt angry and wanted to know why God created her this way. “I have had some intense conversations with God over the years. But if I know anything it’s that He loves me and He knows me.” She’s found excuses to avoid church at times “in rebellion,” but the quiet voice she hears reminds her, “If you need to do that, that’s okay; I’ll still love you.” During one heated conversation, Mikaela softened when she heard her mother say she’d stop attending church, too, if her daughter needed her to. Hearing that helped Mikaela trust more. She says “I know how much the gospel means to my parents and it just clicked in that moment how important I really am to them. I mean, I always knew they loved me, but somewhere deep inside I wasn’t sure until that moment that they really accepted my bisexuality…” Knowing how hard it would be if her kids were to shut her out of their lives, Melissa has always encouraged Mikaela to keep her relationship with her Heavenly Father strong, which she tries to do. Mikaela also has an undeniable love for the prophet President Nelson. “He makes me feel like there’s a place in God’s kingdom for me. He makes me feel included, acknowledged, loved, seen. I love that man. He just gives me so much hope.” One thing that’s hard for Mikaela is when members assume she’s “a sinner” or promiscuous just because she’s bisexual. “The law of chastity and the repentance process applies to me, too. Jesus still died on the cross for me, too. Being LGBTQ doesn’t stop me from feeling Christ’s love.” But she understands, “It’s a perfect gospel taught by imperfect people.”

Melissa says, “It has been eye-opening to see how unkind people can be, but when you know better, you do better.” She counts herself among those who were once a little clueless. She has since sought an LGBTQ+ education, thanks to many late-night conversations with Mikaela, who broke down bisexuality this way: “Mom, I like the color blue, and I like the color pink. Just because I choose the blue shirt, doesn’t mean I don’t still like the pink one.” Melissa laughs, “She loves to teach me.” Melissa has held several high callings in her stake with youth and wishes she had known then what she knows now, feeling she missed an opportunity to have really made a safe space for the LGBTQ+ kids. But now, Melissa’s a bonafide ally and is working to help educate those in her sphere of influence.

 Mikaela advises others in her shoes to talk to their parents. “They’ll probably come around. And remember, when you first come out, they have only had five minutes to sit with news you’ve been thinking about for five years - in my case. Just be patient.” For now, Melissa hopes for more conversations in hallways, parking lots, at church – about her daughter and other kids like her. “Conversation is where misconception gets thrown away. I love my church; I do. But sometimes the people make me crazy. I wish that people could cut through all the gunk and get to the message that Christ loves all of us. There are two great commandments – one is to love God, and the other is to love each other. Why does it have to be more difficult than that?”

On being a rainbow mama, Melissa says, “If you will let it, this will be one of the greatest blessings in your life. I learned to love more pure and Christlike. I’m a completely different person. God changed me. It wasn’t an easy ride, but it was worth it. I really feel like I know my daughter. Because she’s let me. That’s been a blessing and a gift.”

The Kofford Family

“The sunshine in my life” is how Natalie Kofford has described her son Gavin ever since the day he was born. He’s always been his mom’s sidekick and best friend. Twenty years later, that hasn’t changed. Ogden, UT-based parents Jeff and Natalie describe their son as a “bright, happy, sensitive, kind and gentle little boy who loved friends, animals, babies, Legos, Harry Potter and his family.” Natalie also recalls that Gavin was dearly loved in his home ward growing up. “Hardly a Sunday went by when someone didn’t stop us to tell us something special Gavin had shared in class, how reverently he passed the sacrament, how handsome he was, or how he had touched hearts during a youth conference.” The family felt that Gavin was sent to earth “to keep them on the straight and narrow. His patriarchal blessing repeats many times how he is spiritually sensitive, how he will lead and heal others throughout his life, and in the final days he will be a judge in Israel.”

Gavin sensed he was different since as early as 10, but he didn’t really understand what he was feeling. He later told his parents how initially, he didn’t want to be gay and did everything he could to change it, including dating every beautiful girl he could during high school. But Gavin realized that this was not going to go away. Natalie says that during his senior year in high school, her son became very depressed, and spent a lot of time alone in his room. “I had felt a prompting for a year or two that Gavin could possibly be gay, and we were relieved when he decided to tell us one Saturday afternoon. We hugged and cried and made sure he knew we loved and accepted him exactly how he was. We saw a huge change in Gavin as the burden of this secret was lifted from his shoulders.” Gavin asked his parents to tell his older brother, Kelton, who is now a 23-year-old cadet at West Point. Kelton’s immediate response was, “I am so glad he was born into our family where we will support and love him no matter what.” 

Natalie admits Gavin’s news did not come without some mourning of the loss of the future she and Jeff had dreamed for him. She recalls dropping to her knees in an initial angry prayer  “I was so angry that such a tender, spiritual soul was given this difficult trial. The answer I received was loud and clear, and He scolded me right back! Our Heavenly Parents sent Gavin to earth exactly as they had planned. There was no mistake, no surprise. He also let me know that I had been prepared to be an LGBTQ mom and that my experiences up to this point were to prepare me for this.” Natalie found immediate comfort from a fellow Lift & Love mama with a gay son who has now become a dear friend, and she has also felt the stress and anxiety melt away with the motto: “JUST LOVE and let God worry about the rest.” 

 Now thriving in St. George, Utah, Gavin is now a sought-after tennis coach and pre-med student at Dixie State with plans to become a psychiatrist so that he can help others who struggle. He has started dating and has hopes for a spouse and a family of his own. Natalie is grateful he’s been blessed with a new group of amazing friends who love her son just as he is. “While we watch this amazing generation of kids love, accept, and defend the marginalized, I frequently recall the words by Tom Christofferson in his book That We May Be One: ‘Perhaps because this generation has a particularly strong ability to love generously those who are least like them, these are the souls the Lord has saved to break down the final barriers to preaching His gospel to all the Nations’.” 

At this time, Jeff and Natalie describe their feelings around the church as a work in progress.  “We thought we were doing everything right. Our hearts broke when Gavin recounted the shame he felt on many, if not most, Sundays.  He worried about what his orientation would do to our eternal family.” Gavin’s hardest day was when he walked into a seminary class and the teacher had written “Homosexuality is a Sin” in large letters across the board. Natalie recalls that “Gavin sat through a very painful lesson and then went straight to his car and made a plan to finally commit suicide. This shattered us. As she reflects back, Natalie says she now feels shame over things like primary songs about hoping to be called on a mission or going to the temple someday. “I wish I could go back and say to that darling, tender Gavin that those are not requirements for love or happiness. How could something that we thought was so helpful and beneficial be so painful to our son that he would want to die?” Like so many parents in similar positions, Natalie says that while they support Gavin stepping away from the church for his mental health, “We can’t help but mourn for the loss of what gifts he could have provided to others inside this church.”

While Natalie says she and Jeff would find it much easier to also step away, they keep feeling the call to stay and speak up for now. She senses the needed changes in the church won’t happen if all the faithful LGBTQ families leave, saying, “There is space for everyone who wants to worship Christ, and we can only make space for them on our pew if we are there. We are the opposite of lazy learners or lax disciples. We are not worried about our eternal family in the slightest. True eternal success won’t be because of a temple recommend; it will be because we LOVED unconditionally.” 

At the start of their journey, the Koffords met with a beloved mental health counselor, and when they told him their son is gay, he said “Congratulations!” They were at first caught off guard by this, but now they fully understand what he meant. “Our hearts have expanded more than we ever thought possible. Our love and empathy for the marginalized or struggling know no bounds. We have met the most amazing LGBTQ kids, parents and families. We see beautiful rainbows where there used to be only black and white.” Natalie knows her family is better off because of Gavin, and advocates that all parents everywhere should tell their small children frequently that “you love them no matter what, and nothing they could do or be would ever change that.” For parents who are walking the same unique path as she and Jeff, Natalie’s favorite advice to give now echoes that profound notion she first received, “Just Love.”

The Mortensen Family

In St. George, Utah, the Mortensen home is filled with artwork by 16-year-old daughter, Sydney: drawings from her childhood as well as some incredibly meaningful works she’s gifted her parents, Jill and Marc, and siblings Mitchell (13) and Ava (10) over the years. Two of her pieces also permanently reside in the friendship circle room of St. George’s Encircle house, where the Mortensen family is now a staple.

As tweens, when Sydney’s friends were all developing crushes on boys, Sydney pretended to have a crush on a boy, too, in an attempt to fit in. But in the eighth grade, a cute freshman girl caught her eye and Sydney found herself in “an almost trance-like state, staring at her for much longer than I realized. I felt so embarrassed for feeling the way I did.” Sydney ran into the locker room where she sat, alone, for several minutes with the realization that she was attracted to girls. 

Sydney hid her attraction to girls for several more months. Having grown up in the LDS church, she was taught same sex relationships were sinful. Her mother Jill recalls Sydney pretending to be sick every Sunday to avoid going to church. “The weeks she did attend, the trauma, shame and anxiety she felt was so intense, she would hide in the bathroom during lessons or sit outside in the car. At the time, I just attributed her not wanting to go to teenage rebellion. I had no idea the pain she was experiencing.”

A couple years prior to Syd coming out, Jill felt an undeniable prompting to become an ally and get involved with the LGBTQ community. She feels her visible efforts contributed to Sydney’s feeling safe in coming out. “That night, I felt honored to have the sacred opportunity to fully know and embrace all of the unique and beautiful aspects of this remarkable daughter of mine. I poured my heart out in prayer asking for guidance as we embarked on this unfamiliar path together. Many tears were shed as I knew she would inevitably face a new set of challenges as part of a marginalized group. I felt a strong, clear impression that I needed to be willing to protect her at all costs, even if that meant stepping away from our church community where she was experiencing so much trauma.” Jill and Marc don’t take their call to being Sydney’s parents lightly. “Our family has been entrusted to nurture, love and protect one of His most precious rainbow spirits during this earthly existence. Syd knows we always have her back. We love her unconditionally and want her to experience the joy of dating and falling in love. She has a darling girlfriend who makes her incredibly happy. We love having her over and we consider her part of our family.”

Having been on the receiving end of bullying and discrimination, Sydney feels an intense desire to look out for those experiencing the same. She is a longtime volunteer at both the local animal shelter and community resource center, where for five years she has organized a winter coat drive for families experiencing homelessness. Jill says Sydney is truly an example of “succoring the weak, lifting up the hands which hang down, and strengthening the feeble knees.”

Jill wants LDS church leaders to know that “there are thousands of families just like ours: Families who come from generations of faithful members born and raised in the church, who’ve dedicated their lives to serving in callings, attending meetings and other activities. Families who trusted in the teachings of our divinely led leaders, who believed, with all their hearts, that they would live forever with their Eternal Family according to the Great Plan of Happiness, until the day they learned their family no longer fits the plan. And then what? Doctrine that once brought our family so much comfort and joy is now our greatest source of pain. We don’t belong here. We don’t belong anywhere. And so we mourn. Alone. There is no plan in place to save families like ours. Let’s push for further light and knowledge regarding our LGBTQ family members.”

Jill has perceived that loneliness for families like hers can often be felt in the ward dynamic: “Our amazing, service-oriented community immediately springs into action whenever a visible need arises within the ward. When someone has a baby, is in the hospital, or experiences the loss of a loved one, we rally -- organizing meals, childcare, cleaning, rides. We attend to their needs better than anyone. But when someone has a child come out as LGBTQ, experiences a faith transition, is struggling with addiction, mental health, separation from a spouse, or any number of invisible, yet equally painful traumas, we are noticeably absent. Silent suffering is just as valid and worthy of our attention, love and understanding.” 

 What can members do to improve in this area? Jill pleads, “We just need to start showing up. Yes, it will be awkward, messy, and imperfect but do it anyway. Send a text, write a note, make a call. Anything. Just reach out and let people know they aren’t alone, that you see them, that you want them to know how important your family is to them. Ask how you can support them. Let’s meet people where they are, without any expectation of them returning to church. Respect and honor their decision to leave and trust that it wasn’t a decision that was reached without deep feelings of guilt, shame, grief, pain, fear, uncertainty and loss. Let’s abandon unkind assumptions or judgements about individuals and families who find it necessary to step away. Instead, let’s deepen our commitment to ensuring no one walks alone, even when their path takes them away from the church. Especially when their path takes them away from the church.” 

While Jill says she has often felt abandoned by the church she once loved, “I’ve never felt abandoned by my heavenly parents and my beloved Savior. My relationship with them and my desire to live and love as the Savior did is stronger than ever before. This experience has given me greater empathy and compassion for my brothers and sisters on the margins. The space I share with my LGBTQ family and friends is holy, sacred. I feel closest to the Divine when I am in their presence.” 

As for other families experiencing similar journeys, Jill wants them to know “there is a vibrant, thriving community of families just like yours who will wholeheartedly embrace you, share your heartache and your joy. You are loved, your LGBTQ child is loved, and regardless of where your path leads, trust that you will never walk alone.”  

The Campbell Family

“I want Shelby to live a life that she loves.  I want her to have a relationship with God and feel His love every day. I want her to find a life partner, have a fulfilling career, and just be happy.” These wishes for a child could be echoed by just about any mother in the world. Only for Becky Campbell, she would also love “for the Church to find a better way to include families like mine, whatever that looks like.”

For Becky, a “family like mine” includes husband of 21 years, Dave, who works in information technology for the Associated Press, and children Shelby (19), Tessa (10), Christian (10), and Lilly (9). They live in Herriman, Utah, where Becky works as a medical transcriptionist, freelance photographer, and also stays quite busy taking care of everyone. One thing that sets the Campbell family apart from many in the church is something that Becky says has only brought them closer together: their love and support of transgender daughter, Shelby. “I know that each of our kids has been sent to our family so we could learn from each other. Having a transgender child has been a life-changing learning experience in the best way. Even though we have lots of differences within our family, we are in this together. Family means nobody gets left behind.” 

Shelby currently studies Music Production at SLCC. She plays the piano and guitar and records her own music. “Shelby is incredibly empathetic. She feels her emotions deeply and expresses herself beautifully through music,” says her mother. Shelby also values honesty and authenticity, and inspires those qualities in others. Becky says Shelby’s younger siblings “adore her -- they have a special relationship. And she keeps us laughing constantly.” 

Shortly before her 17th birthday, Shelby came out to her parents. She started medical and social (mtf) transition in spring of 2020, before coming out to her extended family and the world in September of 2020.

Becky now belongs to our “amazing” online support group for LDS parents of LGBTQ kids, and she values the advice of friends in similar situations who have helped her acknowledge that Shelby is the same person her family has always known her to be. “I think the best advice is to ask Heavenly Father how best to help and love your child.”

When it comes to the church, Becky says she would love for leadership to acknowledge that LGBTQ people and their families are “part of the church and that we matter. I want them to see us. I would love for policies regarding LGBTQ people to be more inclusive. I'd love to hear stories and talks where we acknowledge our LGBTQ loved ones.” For everyone else, she offers this advice: “If someone you love comes out as LGBTQ, please let them know you accept them and care about them regardless of what their church activity looks like.  Be interested in their lives and accomplishments, especially when it doesn't look like the typical LDS ‘covenant path’ timeline.”

Through loving Shelby unconditionally, Becky says, “I've felt a tiny slice of the love that I know Jesus feels for each of us. I don't love my children because of anything that they accomplish or what I think they could be in the future. I love them exactly as they are, today. I think this kind of love is the Savior's greatest gift to us.”

*** Much thanks to the Campbell family for sharing their story. We’d love to feature your (LGBTQ) family in our weekly Lift & Love at Home profiles! Please dm us. #liftandloveathome #liftandloveorg

The Winget Family

“You only need to do two things: love your family and trust me.” These were the divine words whispered into Robyn Winget’s heart when praying for guidance shortly after her then 27-year-old son Taylor came out two years ago. Luckily, Robyn knew it would be easy to do just that.

Now an empty nester living with her husband Jim in Eagle, Idaho, Robyn relished being a full-time mother of three and now loves it even more when they come home: Taylor and his husband Dallon, daughter Kaitlyn and her husband Tyler, and their son Parker who is engaged to be married in June. Robyn is looking forward to having three successful weddings under her belt, and for her equally supportive party-planning mother: three successful engagement parties for her grandchildren. Jim and Robyn appreciate how their extended family love and support all of their children. Everyone came to Taylor and Dallon’s wedding, and no one has ever said, “I love you but—” 

Taylor was already (quietly) dating his would-be husband, Dallon, at the time he confidently came out and told his parents he is gay, just a week after General Conference 2018. While Robyn and Jim were sorrowful over the pain he had lived with alone for years, Taylor’s coming out was a positive “we are going to be fine” experience for their entire family. For two years prior, Robyn had felt stirrings inside, a quiet preparatory voice that asked, “What would you do if one of your kids came out?” But Robyn already knew that child would be met with nothing but love. 

Taylor and Dallon are a Tinder success story and highly compatible – both returned missionaries raised in active, supportive LDS families. The couple now lives in South Jordan, UT where Taylor, a BYU graduate, works as a marketing project manager at BioFire and part-time as a realtor, which is Dallon’s full-time occupation. The two love to travel, work out, and bring the fun to family gatherings. Robyn says Taylor is “wickedly funny” with an apt quote from The Office for every occasion. 

Growing up, Taylor was a happy kid who played lacrosse and had a lot of friends... (cont'd in comments) 

Robyn says, “He was very obedient and my most temple-attending child. He thought if he did everything right, the Lord would ‘fix him’.” It was in the temple during his 20s that Taylor said he received a comforting personal revelation of his own, after asking his Heavenly Father if it would be okay for him to live his life as an openly gay man. The impressions he received were, “Man is not meant to be alone,” and “Men are that they might have joy.” 

While Taylor and Dallon claim they love the church and do not harbor bitter feelings, they “recognize this is probably not going to be a path for us” as living in a legal union precludes a gay couple from partaking of the sacrament. Robyn appreciates that the young bishop who lives in their neighborhood shows them genuine love and regularly invites them to church meetings and activities (they occasionally attend), by saying: “We want you with us. We are stronger with you.” 

When Taylor first came out, the first words from Robyn’s bishop’s mouth were, “I can’t imagine the amount of pain he has been in for the past years.” That response, and the fact that he and his wife came to Taylor’s wedding, has always stuck with Robyn as true discipleship. Her bishop also teaches, “We need to make the uncomfortable comfortable.” Robyn agrees, reasoning that if you are uncomfortable with another’s path, you need to get to know them better and make that your role. She is “grateful these remarkable leaders have lived their baptismal covenant: ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ which literally means to support us. To say, ‘I love you, but I can’t support you’ is not bearing one another’s burdens.” 

Robyn also appreciates it when members ask about her gay son’s marriage and life just like they inquire about her straight children. But when the occasional offensive comment or question comes her way, Robyn recognizes, “I can’t get angry with people for not knowing what they do not yet know.”  

The Winget family relies on the teachings of their prophet, President Nelson, who emphasizes the power and necessity of personal revelation. 

They are grateful for their experience to lift and love Taylor (who lifts and loves them right back), because they say they’ve learned great lessons they wouldn’t have otherwise. Robyn has met new friends on church pews who have confided their own struggles, feeling comfortable because her family also doesn’t “fit the mold.” 

Robyn is a temple worker, where she has felt the divine, godly love of a perfect Heavenly Father who, in a sacred experience, has conveyed He loves her and her entire family more than mortals can comprehend. That is her focus for the eternities. And for the now, she says she could not be more pleased with all Taylor has accomplished – he’s happy, in a committed marriage with a partner he loves, and he loves his family. Robyn takes great comfort in her eternal perspective: “I can’t imagine heaven without my family, and I know in my heart that won’t be the case.”

 ***

If you’re willing to share your family’s story in a Lift and Love at Home profile, please dm us! #liftandlove #liftandloveathome

The McAlpin Family

From a young age, Gavin was exceptionally artistic and bright. As he grew, he brought strategy and size to a football field, but often preferred solo activities, like Legos. I noticed dances and dating didn’t appeal to him, but I was never quite sure why. 

Then during the pandemic, while the whole world hunkered down and sheltered in place, Gavin came out. One night at 3 a.m., he walked in our room and told my husband and I that he is gay. That he’d been suffering from severe depression after trying to “fix it” and feeling “broken” for years. That some of the church’s teachings and unkind comments over the years had been very damaging to his mental health. He knew he’d always be loved at home, but also knew it would be a tough road made tougher by coming out during his junior year of high school among a highly LDS population that hasn’t made it easy for him. But Gavin said if he could just “change one person’s mind about LGBTQ people, then it would be worth it.”

Gavin is now contemplating college options and we are contemplating if visiting him in his new town at least once a month will be too obnoxious. We are all hopeful for these next chapters as he pursues a career, new relationships, and one day, a family of his own. Regardless of what his future holds, he knows he always has this family by his side.

Life shifted for us, but it didn’t shatter. I feel like I’ve entered a Masterclass in which I’m honored to be a part, primarily because the teacher is the Master Himself. Rather than a one-size-fits-all manual, I now rely on the compass of personal revelation. And in this forum, I sit among some of the best company I’ve ever kept – stalwart saints and sinners just like me who love our LGBTQ+ family and friends deeply and widely and loudly -- and for the long haul. 

We’re excited to announce this new feature: Lift & Love at Home. I’m Autumn McAlpin from San Clemente, CA. I’m Michael’s wife and mama bear to Alex, Gavin, Blake and Gracie. Each week, I’ll be introducing a new family – a rainbow family like ours. We’re excited to embrace new friends and stories as we recognize that it’s so much easier to lift and love up close.