“I have an announcement to make,” 20-year-old Mikaela said over family dinner two years ago. Though parents Keate and Melissa were aware of her orientation, she hadn’t yet come out to her three siblings: KJ (married to Natalie and dad to sweet Harper), Savannah (married to Austin), and Kyra (married to Alex). “I like boys. But I also like girls.” It’s a moment many kids dread, not knowing the reaction they’ll face. For Mikaela, her recently returned missionary sister simply replied, “Yeah, I know.” Mikaela started bawling with relief, and her mom fondly remembers a “cuddle puddle of sibling support. It was such a weight lifted, to have others to carry the burden with her.”
“Mom! It’s not a burden!” Mikaela quips with her trademark humor, as the two tell their story. The mother-daughter duo share a warm relationship with lots of laughter and patience as Mikaela has helped her mother Melissa navigate her orientation. Melissa still regrets how she first prodded Mikaela to come out before she was ready, thinking she was being helpful. “Don’t do it,” she advises other parents, “Just wait for them to come to you. I learned the hard way!” Since then, they’ve found their stride and there is love and laughter in their home on this topic. “And a lot of conversations,” Melissa adds.
Being an LGBTQ family in their horse town of St. Helens, Oregon has been “an interesting experience.” All the family cars have a round rainbow Ally sticker on the back, and Melissa says she has been pleasantly surprised how they are stopped by everyone from cowboys to customers at the car wash who thank them for making them feel safer. Mikaela is currently studying psychology online and is a cowgirl to the core. She rides all the gaming events and trails, participates on drill and equitation teams, and chases cows. Her horse Khodi has always provided “a massive safe space.” Melissa says, “One of my greatest joys is watching her do what she loves.” Melissa’s also watched with pride as her talented daughter’s writing has taken off on online platforms, where her works of fiction have ranked #1 and #2 in their genre and where Mikaela’s found a welcome community of friends who have become integral in her life. An empath, Mikaela has always made an effort to be there for others and is fiercely loyal to all in her circle. She loves music and taught herself how to play guitar to the soundtracks of Taylor Swift. Now, Mikaela takes her creativity to Tik Tok, where several of her videos (@woahmikaela) have gone viral.
At first, Mikaela was hesitant to come out to family, because she had seen a close friend in the church face rejection from her father after coming out. Melissa says, “I think it scared her right back into the closet.” While Melissa initially ruminated about all the whys and what ifs, husband Keate took a laid-back approach to his daughter’s coming out, telling Melissa, “Just because you didn’t know this about her doesn’t mean God didn’t. He created Mikaela this way; He was just waiting for her to share it with us.”
Being accepted fully by her family and “mostly” by the members of the church has helped Mikaela remain comfortable attending. She recalls when she first realized she was attracted to both boys and girls (at 12), she felt angry and wanted to know why God created her this way. “I have had some intense conversations with God over the years. But if I know anything it’s that He loves me and He knows me.” She’s found excuses to avoid church at times “in rebellion,” but the quiet voice she hears reminds her, “If you need to do that, that’s okay; I’ll still love you.” During one heated conversation, Mikaela softened when she heard her mother say she’d stop attending church, too, if her daughter needed her to. Hearing that helped Mikaela trust more. She says “I know how much the gospel means to my parents and it just clicked in that moment how important I really am to them. I mean, I always knew they loved me, but somewhere deep inside I wasn’t sure until that moment that they really accepted my bisexuality…” Knowing how hard it would be if her kids were to shut her out of their lives, Melissa has always encouraged Mikaela to keep her relationship with her Heavenly Father strong, which she tries to do. Mikaela also has an undeniable love for the prophet President Nelson. “He makes me feel like there’s a place in God’s kingdom for me. He makes me feel included, acknowledged, loved, seen. I love that man. He just gives me so much hope.” One thing that’s hard for Mikaela is when members assume she’s “a sinner” or promiscuous just because she’s bisexual. “The law of chastity and the repentance process applies to me, too. Jesus still died on the cross for me, too. Being LGBTQ doesn’t stop me from feeling Christ’s love.” But she understands, “It’s a perfect gospel taught by imperfect people.”
Melissa says, “It has been eye-opening to see how unkind people can be, but when you know better, you do better.” She counts herself among those who were once a little clueless. She has since sought an LGBTQ+ education, thanks to many late-night conversations with Mikaela, who broke down bisexuality this way: “Mom, I like the color blue, and I like the color pink. Just because I choose the blue shirt, doesn’t mean I don’t still like the pink one.” Melissa laughs, “She loves to teach me.” Melissa has held several high callings in her stake with youth and wishes she had known then what she knows now, feeling she missed an opportunity to have really made a safe space for the LGBTQ+ kids. But now, Melissa’s a bonafide ally and is working to help educate those in her sphere of influence.
Mikaela advises others in her shoes to talk to their parents. “They’ll probably come around. And remember, when you first come out, they have only had five minutes to sit with news you’ve been thinking about for five years - in my case. Just be patient.” For now, Melissa hopes for more conversations in hallways, parking lots, at church – about her daughter and other kids like her. “Conversation is where misconception gets thrown away. I love my church; I do. But sometimes the people make me crazy. I wish that people could cut through all the gunk and get to the message that Christ loves all of us. There are two great commandments – one is to love God, and the other is to love each other. Why does it have to be more difficult than that?”
On being a rainbow mama, Melissa says, “If you will let it, this will be one of the greatest blessings in your life. I learned to love more pure and Christlike. I’m a completely different person. God changed me. It wasn’t an easy ride, but it was worth it. I really feel like I know my daughter. Because she’s let me. That’s been a blessing and a gift.”
