“The sunshine in my life” is how Natalie Kofford has described her son Gavin ever since the day he was born. He’s always been his mom’s sidekick and best friend. Twenty years later, that hasn’t changed. Ogden, UT-based parents Jeff and Natalie describe their son as a “bright, happy, sensitive, kind and gentle little boy who loved friends, animals, babies, Legos, Harry Potter and his family.” Natalie also recalls that Gavin was dearly loved in his home ward growing up. “Hardly a Sunday went by when someone didn’t stop us to tell us something special Gavin had shared in class, how reverently he passed the sacrament, how handsome he was, or how he had touched hearts during a youth conference.” The family felt that Gavin was sent to earth “to keep them on the straight and narrow. His patriarchal blessing repeats many times how he is spiritually sensitive, how he will lead and heal others throughout his life, and in the final days he will be a judge in Israel.”
Gavin sensed he was different since as early as 10, but he didn’t really understand what he was feeling. He later told his parents how initially, he didn’t want to be gay and did everything he could to change it, including dating every beautiful girl he could during high school. But Gavin realized that this was not going to go away. Natalie says that during his senior year in high school, her son became very depressed, and spent a lot of time alone in his room. “I had felt a prompting for a year or two that Gavin could possibly be gay, and we were relieved when he decided to tell us one Saturday afternoon. We hugged and cried and made sure he knew we loved and accepted him exactly how he was. We saw a huge change in Gavin as the burden of this secret was lifted from his shoulders.” Gavin asked his parents to tell his older brother, Kelton, who is now a 23-year-old cadet at West Point. Kelton’s immediate response was, “I am so glad he was born into our family where we will support and love him no matter what.”
Natalie admits Gavin’s news did not come without some mourning of the loss of the future she and Jeff had dreamed for him. She recalls dropping to her knees in an initial angry prayer “I was so angry that such a tender, spiritual soul was given this difficult trial. The answer I received was loud and clear, and He scolded me right back! Our Heavenly Parents sent Gavin to earth exactly as they had planned. There was no mistake, no surprise. He also let me know that I had been prepared to be an LGBTQ mom and that my experiences up to this point were to prepare me for this.” Natalie found immediate comfort from a fellow Lift & Love mama with a gay son who has now become a dear friend, and she has also felt the stress and anxiety melt away with the motto: “JUST LOVE and let God worry about the rest.”
Now thriving in St. George, Utah, Gavin is now a sought-after tennis coach and pre-med student at Dixie State with plans to become a psychiatrist so that he can help others who struggle. He has started dating and has hopes for a spouse and a family of his own. Natalie is grateful he’s been blessed with a new group of amazing friends who love her son just as he is. “While we watch this amazing generation of kids love, accept, and defend the marginalized, I frequently recall the words by Tom Christofferson in his book That We May Be One: ‘Perhaps because this generation has a particularly strong ability to love generously those who are least like them, these are the souls the Lord has saved to break down the final barriers to preaching His gospel to all the Nations’.”
At this time, Jeff and Natalie describe their feelings around the church as a work in progress. “We thought we were doing everything right. Our hearts broke when Gavin recounted the shame he felt on many, if not most, Sundays. He worried about what his orientation would do to our eternal family.” Gavin’s hardest day was when he walked into a seminary class and the teacher had written “Homosexuality is a Sin” in large letters across the board. Natalie recalls that “Gavin sat through a very painful lesson and then went straight to his car and made a plan to finally commit suicide. This shattered us. As she reflects back, Natalie says she now feels shame over things like primary songs about hoping to be called on a mission or going to the temple someday. “I wish I could go back and say to that darling, tender Gavin that those are not requirements for love or happiness. How could something that we thought was so helpful and beneficial be so painful to our son that he would want to die?” Like so many parents in similar positions, Natalie says that while they support Gavin stepping away from the church for his mental health, “We can’t help but mourn for the loss of what gifts he could have provided to others inside this church.”
While Natalie says she and Jeff would find it much easier to also step away, they keep feeling the call to stay and speak up for now. She senses the needed changes in the church won’t happen if all the faithful LGBTQ families leave, saying, “There is space for everyone who wants to worship Christ, and we can only make space for them on our pew if we are there. We are the opposite of lazy learners or lax disciples. We are not worried about our eternal family in the slightest. True eternal success won’t be because of a temple recommend; it will be because we LOVED unconditionally.”
At the start of their journey, the Koffords met with a beloved mental health counselor, and when they told him their son is gay, he said “Congratulations!” They were at first caught off guard by this, but now they fully understand what he meant. “Our hearts have expanded more than we ever thought possible. Our love and empathy for the marginalized or struggling know no bounds. We have met the most amazing LGBTQ kids, parents and families. We see beautiful rainbows where there used to be only black and white.” Natalie knows her family is better off because of Gavin, and advocates that all parents everywhere should tell their small children frequently that “you love them no matter what, and nothing they could do or be would ever change that.” For parents who are walking the same unique path as she and Jeff, Natalie’s favorite advice to give now echoes that profound notion she first received, “Just Love.”
