In St. George, Utah, the Mortensen home is filled with artwork by 16-year-old daughter, Sydney: drawings from her childhood as well as some incredibly meaningful works she’s gifted her parents, Jill and Marc, and siblings Mitchell (13) and Ava (10) over the years. Two of her pieces also permanently reside in the friendship circle room of St. George’s Encircle house, where the Mortensen family is now a staple.
As tweens, when Sydney’s friends were all developing crushes on boys, Sydney pretended to have a crush on a boy, too, in an attempt to fit in. But in the eighth grade, a cute freshman girl caught her eye and Sydney found herself in “an almost trance-like state, staring at her for much longer than I realized. I felt so embarrassed for feeling the way I did.” Sydney ran into the locker room where she sat, alone, for several minutes with the realization that she was attracted to girls.
Sydney hid her attraction to girls for several more months. Having grown up in the LDS church, she was taught same sex relationships were sinful. Her mother Jill recalls Sydney pretending to be sick every Sunday to avoid going to church. “The weeks she did attend, the trauma, shame and anxiety she felt was so intense, she would hide in the bathroom during lessons or sit outside in the car. At the time, I just attributed her not wanting to go to teenage rebellion. I had no idea the pain she was experiencing.”
A couple years prior to Syd coming out, Jill felt an undeniable prompting to become an ally and get involved with the LGBTQ community. She feels her visible efforts contributed to Sydney’s feeling safe in coming out. “That night, I felt honored to have the sacred opportunity to fully know and embrace all of the unique and beautiful aspects of this remarkable daughter of mine. I poured my heart out in prayer asking for guidance as we embarked on this unfamiliar path together. Many tears were shed as I knew she would inevitably face a new set of challenges as part of a marginalized group. I felt a strong, clear impression that I needed to be willing to protect her at all costs, even if that meant stepping away from our church community where she was experiencing so much trauma.” Jill and Marc don’t take their call to being Sydney’s parents lightly. “Our family has been entrusted to nurture, love and protect one of His most precious rainbow spirits during this earthly existence. Syd knows we always have her back. We love her unconditionally and want her to experience the joy of dating and falling in love. She has a darling girlfriend who makes her incredibly happy. We love having her over and we consider her part of our family.”
Having been on the receiving end of bullying and discrimination, Sydney feels an intense desire to look out for those experiencing the same. She is a longtime volunteer at both the local animal shelter and community resource center, where for five years she has organized a winter coat drive for families experiencing homelessness. Jill says Sydney is truly an example of “succoring the weak, lifting up the hands which hang down, and strengthening the feeble knees.”
Jill wants LDS church leaders to know that “there are thousands of families just like ours: Families who come from generations of faithful members born and raised in the church, who’ve dedicated their lives to serving in callings, attending meetings and other activities. Families who trusted in the teachings of our divinely led leaders, who believed, with all their hearts, that they would live forever with their Eternal Family according to the Great Plan of Happiness, until the day they learned their family no longer fits the plan. And then what? Doctrine that once brought our family so much comfort and joy is now our greatest source of pain. We don’t belong here. We don’t belong anywhere. And so we mourn. Alone. There is no plan in place to save families like ours. Let’s push for further light and knowledge regarding our LGBTQ family members.”
Jill has perceived that loneliness for families like hers can often be felt in the ward dynamic: “Our amazing, service-oriented community immediately springs into action whenever a visible need arises within the ward. When someone has a baby, is in the hospital, or experiences the loss of a loved one, we rally -- organizing meals, childcare, cleaning, rides. We attend to their needs better than anyone. But when someone has a child come out as LGBTQ, experiences a faith transition, is struggling with addiction, mental health, separation from a spouse, or any number of invisible, yet equally painful traumas, we are noticeably absent. Silent suffering is just as valid and worthy of our attention, love and understanding.”
What can members do to improve in this area? Jill pleads, “We just need to start showing up. Yes, it will be awkward, messy, and imperfect but do it anyway. Send a text, write a note, make a call. Anything. Just reach out and let people know they aren’t alone, that you see them, that you want them to know how important your family is to them. Ask how you can support them. Let’s meet people where they are, without any expectation of them returning to church. Respect and honor their decision to leave and trust that it wasn’t a decision that was reached without deep feelings of guilt, shame, grief, pain, fear, uncertainty and loss. Let’s abandon unkind assumptions or judgements about individuals and families who find it necessary to step away. Instead, let’s deepen our commitment to ensuring no one walks alone, even when their path takes them away from the church. Especially when their path takes them away from the church.”
While Jill says she has often felt abandoned by the church she once loved, “I’ve never felt abandoned by my heavenly parents and my beloved Savior. My relationship with them and my desire to live and love as the Savior did is stronger than ever before. This experience has given me greater empathy and compassion for my brothers and sisters on the margins. The space I share with my LGBTQ family and friends is holy, sacred. I feel closest to the Divine when I am in their presence.”
As for other families experiencing similar journeys, Jill wants them to know “there is a vibrant, thriving community of families just like yours who will wholeheartedly embrace you, share your heartache and your joy. You are loved, your LGBTQ child is loved, and regardless of where your path leads, trust that you will never walk alone.”
