Content warning: suicidal ideation, depression
On social media, Shane Carpenter radiates a bright smile, a generous heart, and buoyant enthusiasm. His posts are vulnerable, poetic, wide-reaching. One even went viral within 30 minutes as on March 23, 2019, on his IG @iamnotashaned, he was the first person he knew of to come out as gay online while actively serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was an impression he felt inspired to follow—to offer others hope.
In contrast, Shane Carpenter’s high school journal collection reads like a depressing anthology. The notebooks were his means to survival. The one place he could deposit his constant self-loathing just enough to take the edge off in order to keep going. When he revisits those pages today, Shane’s quick to close the books. He almost doesn’t recognize or even remember the person he used to be. It’s painful.
As a member of a family with a robust history of neurodivergence and mental health struggles, including extreme ADHD, Shane has to work hard to retrieve memories of a time before the depression invaded the driver’s seat. He recalls recognizing at age 8 or 9 that he felt a unique attraction to a childhood male friend of his and his twin brother. “He was beautiful; even as a child I recognized something I was drawn to. I was not particularly drawn to other kids, especially girls.” For Shane, there was no aha moment in his youth where he determined he was gay; he says he “just always knew.”
Heading into high school, Shane and his twin brother were friends with the other LDS youth in their Texas town. But he knew better to vocalize the attractions that only increased as he observed the friends around him becoming more entrenched in dating culture and asking girls to dances. Shane says, “There was little to no appeal for me in going other than having a good time with friends. I also never considered the idea of wanting to have an experience that would validate my feelings, because I didn’t see any reflections in my social life or on TV and media that showed me the feelings I was having could be real.” Shane adds there was no Disney romance or character in which he saw himself; at the time, he didn’t even know any members of the LGBTQ+ community.
As he got older, Shane became more entrenched in a depressive cycle, feeling unworthy of others’ care and in general, unsuccessful in life compared to other kids. His mom (who has shared her story in this forum before) says this is the time she lost her son because Shane was “more or less a different person.” He became very secluded and antisocial, and more than once considered how taking his life seemed very appealing. But that just made his guilt worse as he’d realize, “I didn’t have abusive parents or anything. I had such good family and friends, and my ward and charter school were fine for the most part as I had no clear bullies.” The fact his life seemed pretty good on paper made Shane even more depressed, as he'd think, “Why do I hate myself when there’s not a good reason to? Why do I want to die when there are so many reasons to live?” But he felt blinded by his self-loathing as to what exactly those reasons were. Shane now says he has tens if not hundreds of journal entries from that time he calls a depression manifest. It feels like a blur.
During his senior year, Shane’s dad lost his job which required the family to move to Utah to be closer to family and new tech opportunities. While he knew he’d miss his childhood home, Shane appreciated the chance to start fresh among a sea of people who didn’t know the Shane he loathed in the world he left behind. He met one friend that year, the one girl besides his mom he was able to open up to. She replied that she absolutely already knew he was gay and that and it didn’t make one bit of a difference to her. Shane felt a relief that he could now take up more space as himself, as he said he had tried for so many years to remain secluded and quiet because he felt he was “always kind of flamboyant, even if I didn’t want to be.”
When Shane graduated from high school, his depression followed him to college, where at BYU Idaho, during his second semester, Shane decided to come out of the closet. His mental health had plummeted even worse as he was no longer venting in his journals and expunging some of the darkness that pervaded him. The suicidal thoughts increased. But he now had a new friend and support system. In his first semester of college, Shane had walked into his new apartment and met one of his five roommates who had a quality that felt familiar. “Munchy” was sitting on the couch and during their first interaction said, “Hey, don’t take this the wrong way but you remind me so much of Sam Smith.” Shane definitely took that as a compliment and immediately knew he’d be able to be himself around Munchy. The two shared a love for Mario Cart, anime, books, and their shared religion, and ultimately, the two came out to each other. Both admitted neither was surprised. Shane says, “Neither of us was into each other; there was no romance present, but we both now had a friend who, despite having very different life experiences, could relate in this one life-changing way.”
Shane considered a mission, as those at BYU Idaho do. Drawing from his undeniable faith in God’s love for him that he’d acquired over the three years he saved money to go to EFY, Shane knew he wanted to share that love with others. It was at EFY that Shane gained a weeklong witness that he was known for who he was and not a mistake but was intentional and that God was real and loved him,. But he knew he only wanted to serve as “all of me.” All the experiences Shane had had in the closet were miserable, except for his time at EFY. After relishing being able to be himself with his high school female friend and Munchy, he knew he didn’t want to go back into hiding. He drove home one weekend to Lehi to ponder on this and while listening to Demi Lovato’s cover of “Let It Go,” Shane had a powerful experience in which he knew it was time to shed his self-hatred. He felt and consumed the words, “You can be who I know you can be. You’ve always been that person; it’s just a matter of loving that person.”
After four hours of crafting a post he absolutely did not intend or want to share, Shane followed the prompting to come out publicly, knowing deep down that while it made him uncomfortable to do so, someone out there needed him to say it. He says, “Me coming out was not a surprise to anyone. But it was cool to get quite a few messages from people I knew who said my post made them feel seen and gain the confidence to love themselves or come out, if they felt they needed to.”
When he met with his bishop to start his papers, he was touched how neither his bishop nor stake president viewed his orientation as a road block to serving. He recognizes many experience negative interactions with leaders lacking that proximity, but when Shane asked his bishop whether he should serve as an openly gay missionary, the bishop’s response was, “Why should we consider the idea of you not serving? It makes no sense. You want to increase your relationship with Jesus Christ and help others; I don’t need to think too much about this.”
It took six months for Shane’s paperwork to process, which turned out to be another blessing as the new mission president and his wife of Shane’s Anaheim, CA mission were the parents of a gay son themselves who’d been mistreated on his mission, causing them to commit to doing everything in their power to support, love and lift any LGBTQ+ missionaries in their field. All of Shane’s companions except two were supportive and kind about his orientation, and Shane was given numerous opportunities to help other missionaries around the world who reached out wanting advice for how best to communicate with LGBTQ+ friends wanting to hear more about the church.
One day during their scripture study, Shane’s companion, who was his second trainer, felt impressed that they should pray to ask Heavenly Father to inspire them with the ideas and resources they’d need that day. Shortly after, Shane had an impression he needed to make a video about his experiences. He pushed this aside immediately, but the prompting lingered a second day, and his companion concurred if it was a prompting, he should follow it That was the day of Shane’s January 10, 2021 Facebook post that went viral within 30 minutes in which he introduced himself as an openly gay missionary. Within an hour, after thousands of views, Shane’s mission president called and said he had no problem with the video, but to give them a heads up so they could make sure to protect Shane if his safety became threatened.
“That post provided me the most incredible experience of my life to this day,” says Shane, who subsequently received messages from places including Japan, Canada, Brazil, Germany, and Thailand, from people who wanted to solicit his help in teaching their LGBTQ+ contacts, as well as closeted and/or prospective missionaries who were able to use Shane’s post as motivation to either come out themselves or to have the conversation with a church leader that they were indeed allowed to serve despite identifying as LGBTQ+. “Those first six months, I had more virtual meetings with LGBTQ+ individuals around the world than I did with the people I was teaching in person in California. That was everything to me.”
Two years post-mission, Shane is living with his family in Colorado, working as a wedding photographer and trying to save money for a place of his own. He serves in his YSA ward as an EQ teacher where he has on occasion shared relevant stories about being gay now and then. He also speaks at Northstar events and is always open to connecting with anyone who may be seeking a listening ear. Unsure of what his future holds, Shane maintains the faith that one day eternal blessings will make sense for him, though they don’t right now. He also feels that, “If the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is meant to be for everyone, it really needs to have a pew for everyone… I’m of the opinion that attending church is not just about my personal relationship with the Savior; but me attending and being vocal is maybe one small contribution to the church being able to grow and improve in regard to inclusivity. If everyone (like me) up and left, church would be pretty boring and dull. There’s a value to be found in LGBTQ+ individuals showing up on Sunday mornings and loving those around them, and showing we are meant to be there. Because Christ wants every single one of us to be there with Him. For me right now, that’s enough reason to go.”
