Many know John as the former president and first full-time executive director of Affirmation. With Erica Munson, he recently cofounded Emmaus, a non-profit that focuses on promoting better ministry to and alongside LGBTQ individuals and their families in and adjacent to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Church leaders everywhere from SLC headquarters to his home stake in Minneapolis, MN have consulted John as he freely shares with them the realities faced by his peers likewise walking the LDS-LGBTQ path.
Imagine visiting your parents and agreeing to attend their ward in Springville, Utah. There, people know things about your family, about you – including the fact that you’re gay and have been married to your partner for over a decade. Imagine sitting in Sunday School while a man we’ll call Bob rises to declare that the gay rights movement was inspired by Satan and “wo unto those who call evil good and good evil!” You want to leave -- of course you do, but somehow you stay through the rest of the lesson with your parents. Your white-knuckled mother suggests she can leave with you if you need to, but you have tapped into that inner voice -- that familiar presence in your life who has continually beseeched you and brought you yet again to this point. In fact, the Spirit has clocked you again this time as you received yet another prompting like the many, many before that have kept you coming back. The Spirit tells you: “Bob doesn’t know you. They don’t know you. But I know you and I am proud of you. You’re where you’re supposed to be.”
This is what it feels like to be John Gustav-Wrathall, a man who humbly endures the quagmire of knowing what it feels like to be LGBTQ in an LDS tribe, and vice versa. He’s endured many experiences like this over his 58 years and he fully acknowledges that the church is not always the healthiest or safest place for people like him. John first recognized his attractions in the fifth grade. At 14, he looked up the word “homosexual” in the dictionary and knew it applied to him. He quietly tried to process this. It was the 1970s, so he turned to Spencer W. Kimball’s book, The Miracle of Forgiveness, in an attempt to “overcome his sexuality” – a hope that lasted for many years, and ultimately proved harmful, when he realized he couldn’t actually change this part of him. John came out for the first time to God through prayer at the age of 23, where in a divine experience, he felt perfect love, understanding, and acceptance and was told there was nothing he needed to change or overcome. Shortly after, he came out to his parents. Their initial reaction sent him back into the closet with them. Then in 1988, at age 25, John committed to a life of complete integrity and came out publicly. Sharing who he was with all who mattered was “a profoundly spiritual experience” that helped drive him to write editorials in Minneapolis-based papers, and to become an activist at the University of Minnesota where he helped organize and run the campus association of LGBTQ+ student organizations. John researched and wrote monographs on LGBTQ history that analyzed historical sources on the gay experience, one of which was published in the Journal of American History. His book, Take the Young Stranger by the Hand, a study of the gay male experience in the 150-year history of the YMCA, was published by the University of Chicago Press in 1998. John laughs, “So you could say that from my late 20s, I was pretty much out to the whole world.”
In 1986, John was ex-communicated from the LDS church; but in 2005, he had a powerful spiritual experience in which he felt the Lord calling him back. By this time, he had been married to his partner Göran for 14 years. Together the two, who both work in the legal field, fostered a gay son from the age of 15 who was placed with them by a foster care agency that hoped they could be positive role models for him. It was actually Goran (who is not LDS) who encouraged John to follow the promptings that led him to a place of greater integrity in relation to his testimony of the gospel. John recalls he had an “argument with the Lord that lasted about a month as he tried to explain to the Lord why he couldn’t come back;” but ultimately, he gave in. Göran did worry about John’s mental health, as he had been suicidal during his last year of prior activity in the church... Göran also worried the church might try to drive a wedge between them. But John was embraced by his bishop, who welcomed him back while also maintaining full respect for John’s family situation. He let John know he was there to support him in his growth as a child of God and disciple of Christ and “he encouraged me to live as much of the gospel as I could within the constraints placed upon me,” John recalls. John is not able to partake of the sacrament nor have an official calling, but otherwise has been quite active in his ward, as all his bishops and stake presidents since have likewise encouraged. While Göran might not be the biggest fan of the church or organized religion in general, he loves John’s ward members, who have embraced them both.
“I struggle because I totally understand why people feel the need to leave – I’ve heard so many really awful stories of how people have been treated. There are different ways you can be in a relationship with the church. My way works for me. None of my bishops have seen me as any less.” In fact, several high-ranking church leaders have invited him (and Göran) to their offices on multiple occasions to inquire about the realities he and others in the LGBTQ community face as they try to pursue their spiritual paths. And John tells them: “This is why people leave… this is where the pain is… why people just can’t do it.” John says, “I don’t tell them how to do their job, but I try to provide as much information as I can. They genuinely want to know. I think sometimes it falls on us to do the work, and this is one way things in the church might change.” John recognizes the unique strength it takes to fill his role and has worked to make his a ministry that helps all along their path, wherever it may lead.
John says, “For me, being out of the closet as a believing Latter-day Saint is every bit as much a matter of integrity as being out of the closet as a gay man. Göran understands that and nothing brings out the papa bear in him more than when members of the LGBTQ community have attacked me or criticized me because of my engagement with the church…” While it hasn’t always been easy, John recognizes how each of his life experiences has led him to this point. Including that encounter many years ago with Bob. John did stay in that Sunday School class, and went to priesthood meeting after with his dad. He is grateful he did as he says Bob himself actually delivered a priesthood lesson that changed John’s life: “Bob said, ‘It takes a half hour to perform all the saving ordinances available in the restored gospel, but it takes a lifetime to truly become Christlike.' That lesson became a road map for my life. I realized that even if I could not receive the ordinances now, I could work to become more Christlike. The Lord kept me there for that lesson. And I learned it from someone who I thought hated me, and didn’t understand me. The Lord told him to teach this to me.” After church that day, John’s father said he was going to have a talk with Bob. John agreed that might be a good idea, but to “make sure you tell Bob how grateful I am for his lesson…” Fast forward two years. John again visited his parents’ ward, and again, who’s the teacher? Bob. But this time Bob’s message was different. With tears in his eyes, Bob taught, “We as a church have failed our LGBTQ members. We have a lot of work to do. We need to listen to and understand them, and we need to let them know they belong.” John recognizes that kind of change in perspective happens from a number of life experiences and interactions over a long period of time. Perhaps the conversation his dad initiated had something to do with it. Perhaps Bob had a moment when he recognized that many people like John stopped coming altogether -- or that a few people like John kept coming back to imperfect congregations so that they might also tap into the feeling of perfect love as embodied by the Savior - a love that is equally theirs. John recognizes it’s extremely difficult to tolerate the (former) Bobs of the world, and also, that it takes a lot of work to consistently tune into the communication channel with God so that hurtful comments don’t drive you out. But he knows that he belongs in the Lord's Church, that he needs to be there for the same reasons as everyone else.
John Gustav-Wrathall will never forget the day he came home from school at age 15 and his mom greeted him at the door with tearful words: “President Kimball has received a revelation.” It was 1978, and even now when John re-reads the Official Declaration 2 of the LDS church that finally removed all restrictions regarding race, what most resonates with him is its acknowledgment of the impact of the faithfulness of Black members like John’s friend and mentor Darius Gray, who helped organize the Genesis Group, an official outreach of the Church that supported black members of the Church both before and since the 1978 revelation on priesthood.
Now seeking to minister to and with LGBTQ individuals and their families over four decades later, John draws inspiration from the opening words of the aforementioned declaration: The Book of Mormon teaches that “all are alike unto God,” including “black and white, bond and free, male and female” (2 Nephi 26:33). John feels the only way for him to do this work is by “going in through the front door.” Though he has frequently met with Church leaders — including bishops, stake presidents, seventies and even an apostle — to discuss with them the realities faced by LGBTQ members of the Church, John doesn’t lobby church leaders to change doctrine. Rather, he believes that if change is to come about, it will come as he and other LGBTQ Church members exercise faith, and gather and serve with their fellow Saints.
Emmaus, the ministry he founded a little over a year ago with Erika Munson, was inspired by the story found in Luke 24 in which two disciples are joined by a man along their walk to Emmaus, as they mourn the loss of Jesus after the crucifixion. They invite the man to dine with them, whereupon they recognize him as the resurrected Savior. “We see our ministry as a journey in which gradually our eyes are opened, and we see the Savior in our midst,” says John. Emmaus focuses on fostering better ministry in the church with a two-part mission: 1 – to support individuals in exercising faith and living the gospel to the best of their ability; and 2 – to work with church leaders and members to foster the best possible ministry to and with LGBTQ individuals and their families in and adjacent to the Church. This means helping people to understand the harsh realities faced by LGBTQ members, including why most leave as well as why some choose to stay. He says he’s never met a church leader not interested in having that conversation.
Far too often, Church members, intentionally or unintentionally, ostracize LGBTQ members. But John feels every ward can and should be a safe and welcoming place for LGBTQ individuals, whether in or out of a relationship, whether or not they’ve transitioned. When John began attending his ward in Minneapolis, his bishop took the approach that his responsibility was to help John live a more spiritual life, to become more Christlike, regardless of his relationship or membership status. His bishop didn’t see his role being to tell John what to do or what decisions to make, but to be a friend and a resource to John in his efforts to be a better disciple.
“It is so crucial to be fully supportive of LGBTQ people wherever they are,” says John. “I understand why many choose to step away from the church. I did myself for almost two decades.” But at this point in his life, while still living with his husband of 30 years and also showing up each week at his local LDS congregation, whose members he says fully embrace him, John says, “I believe the way things change in relation to LGBTQ stuff is that those of us who are LGBTQ Saints live our faith to the best of our ability, stay close to the Church, and share our light, doing the best we can within the constraints placed upon us.”
A new development John has observed in the past year has been how many leaders at all levels are showing greater interest in the problem of faith crises in general. John has studied the science of faith development, with a particular interest in how the challenges of faith development play out in the lives of LGBTQ individuals as they become aware of their sexuality or gender identity and then as they make sense of and incorporate it into their identity and social relationships.
“LGBTQ youth are raised in the same world, but their experience will be different than those in a hetero-cisgender society,” says John. Referring to James Fowler’s classic study, Stages of Faith John explains, “Both LGBTQ and heterosexual individuals initially express faith in the ‘authoritarian conforming stage' by trying to conform their life and belief system to what authority tells you. Many live comfortably in this stage of faith development for the rest of their lives. But for a variety of reasons, many people reach a point where this doesn’t work for them, and they begin to consider the ways that their beliefs might be different from their peers. They question authority. This ‘individuation’ stage is critical to developing a mature faith, because it’s the stage where you really make your testimony your own. After that, there is an ‘integration’ stage, where we take all the things we’ve learned on our own, as free thinkers, and integrate them back into the community. We see the value of our individual experience and we also see the value of Church doctrine. With that awareness, our desire is to serve the community and strengthen the whole.”
John continues, “In the church, we do really well with the ‘authoritarian conforming’ stage. When individuals then enter the ‘individuation’ stage, there’s a tendency to assume people are losing their faith. But really, they are deepening their faith. They are strengthening it. It’s in questioning that faith becomes tried and true. We tend to ostracize folks in this stage, because we see it as rejection of the faith. If you’re LGBTQ or a family member of an LGBTQ individual, this individuation ‘faith crisis’ often coincides with the coming out process. That intensifies it and creates even harsher disconnects with the community. But this stage of faith development doesn’t need to become a crisis. We don’t need to lose people at this stage. Really, this is the stage where faith gets really interesting My hope is we can figure out ways to nurture people through those phases without having to cut ties from the church. A faith crisis shouldn’t have to by synonymous with people leaving the church.”
What are the best tools for LGBTQ members to stay? Affirmation did a 2016 study under John’s direction in which they surveyed 1400 people identifying as LGBTQ or as a family member of an LGBTQ member. They found that before the 2015 policy, about 50% of the people they surveyed were active in the church. Of those who were active before the policy, about 50% more left after the policy. A month after the policy, John met with his bishop who estimated that 60% of his ward were struggling as a result of the policy. In looking at the data gathered in the survey, while John understood why many were leaving the Church over this, he wondered why did those who stay, stay? John said, “In the study, if we looked at those who had stayed, we found that about half of them expressed some level of mistrust in church leaders. But 100% of this group characterized their relationship with God as ‘very strong’.” John’s takeaway was that if you have a relationship with God, it gives you a kind of resilience in dealing with Church. Leaders can be imperfect and lose our trust, but it won’t be a decisive thing for you to leave.
He also found that individuals who trusted themselves, who believed in their own goodness and in their ability to make good decisions in their lives were also more likely to stay in the Church. “It can’t be the Church vs. Me, and the church wins out, and I suppress who I am. If we do that, we can’t have a healthy relationship with the Church. You have to affirm yourself and believe in your own goodness. You have to believe God is there and have patience. I have a mental practice where if I pray about something and don’t get an answer, I teach myself to wait. Be still my soul. Hang in there. Eventually I get my answer. But I have to maintain that connection…” John says, “So often over the years, I’ve observed people come out. They and their families do a painful dance with church, hoping for more love or support, hoping for change. And then, a year or two later, they leave. I don’t know if it’s possible for people to stay. But if there was any way for them to do that, and to do it with faith and patience and hope, those individuals and families become sources of light for everyone. The good news is it doesn’t take many of us. 9 out of 10 could leave; but if 1 in 10 stay and follow principles of loving self and loving God – if it inspired them to love their neighbors even when they’re unkind, even when they lack understanding, then that 1 in 10 could make a real difference.
“What if we could give LGBTQ people the right kind of support, so instead of experiencing trauma as they enter that stage of individuation and questioning, they could experience growth as valued members of the community?” John asks. “I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know exactly how God is going to work all of this stuff out. But I know that it will work out, and I want to be there when it happens. And we all deserve to be here. Actually, the Church can’t be everything that it is supposed to be without us.”
