On occasion, Xian Mackintosh is also invited to share his side of the story at firesides and speaking events at which his LDS parents, Scott and Becky, are asked to keynote. As referenced in last week’s story, this is something all three appreciate. Both sides of this parent-child dynamic acknowledge their journey has been one of growth, but most of all, love. It’s an impressive consensus as their lives currently look a little different from each others’ and from how they once thought things would go.
Growing up, Xian (pronounced See-an) was very aware of his parents’ expectations for their son: earning his Duty to God award, attending Primary, Young Men’s and seminary, serving an honorable mission, an eventual marriage in a temple to a lovely young woman, followed by fatherhood, callings, and all the other things in alignment with the LDS faith. So when as a young child, Xian started to recognize that he felt more attracted to people of the same gender, he wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but knew it was something he needed to keep to himself.
As a teen, Xian struggled with what he now regrets most—that he wasn’t able to really be himself. Of those years, he says, “I listened to the music I thought I should, and had the friends people thought I should befriend. Every part of my life was focused on not letting people know what I was really feeling.” Xian was convinced he’d take his secret to the grave as he was so worried about disappointing his family. He acknowledges, “I have incredible parents who always made sure we knew we were loved. But I’d seen an older sister give them a harder time and didn’t want to be a burden on them. So I chose to deal with things myself and just handle it. I was always good at that. But it comes to a point where you can’t hide it anymore.”
After realizing his plea bargain to God, the same so many others attempt while serving a mission, didn’t pan out after returning from his honorable Detroit, MI mission and realizing a few months after, as hard as he had tried, “it wasn’t going away,” Xian chose to move to Hawaii. There, as a student at BYU Hawaii in the Social Work program, and later while receiving his master’s degree from the University of Hawaii, Xian was able to let down his guard as the dating pressure was less prescient than in the Utah culture in which he’d been raised. He says, “It was a huge weight off my shoulder when I went to college, but as I was still at BYU, I wasn’t able to be open. I was still closeted.” He only returned home for visits a couple times a year for a holiday or quick visit, minimizing his exposure to the inevitable and relentless “Who are you dating?” questioning.
During his senior year of college, he realized not being able to tell the truth made Xian feel like he was “internally killing myself. I had done all the praying, fasting, begging, scripture reading, trying to stay on the path to get rewarded. I was dealing with a lot of internal sadness, but it wasn’t what I portrayed. It got to a point where I realized I couldn’t do this my whole life.” One day, he decided to change his plea to God. He says, “Instead of praying for this to be taken away, I started changing what I was praying for. I started asking, ‘Am I ok?’ And I felt so much warmth and happiness with that simple question. I felt a, ‘Hey Sean, you’re ok.’ From there, I didn’t really look back. I knew I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and He’s ok with me. I may not know all the answers, but I know Heavenly Father knows and is ok, so I don’t need to worry.” Xian then began to feel how amazing it felt “to be me and not worry if I’m good enough. It didn’t matter what others felt. God knows, and he’s fine with me, so it’s ok some of those teachings didn’t line up.”
This led to Xian coming out to one of his classes at BYU, and to the night often recounted by his mom. Xian saved his confession to his parents for the last night home at the holidays. While out saying goodbye to some friends in SLC, Xian sent a private Facebook message to his parents. Under the level of anxiety and stress he’d been dealing with, he knew it would not be good for his mental health to physically witness what he anticipated would be an intense reaction. Feeling it was better for all, he typed words along the lines of, “I’ve really been struggling to share this for a long time. Nothing’s changed about me, I’m still your same son, but I am gay.” Xian was able to see via read receipt that both parents saw it, but his dad did not respond. But his mother typed back the words, “Ok, but you need to come home now.” He replied he wanted to talk about it, but wanted the time to say goodbye to some friends first. His mom made it clear she’d prefer him come home now. Xian had borrowed his mom’s car for the night, and later, on the way back, he ran out of gas which resulted in him having to walk over a mile to a relative’s house to get help with gas. “I was worried they’d ask questions; it was kinda an ordeal.”
Xian finally entered his parents’ living room around 1:30am, where Becky was ready, hands clasped. The first words out of her mouth were, “So what are we going to do about this?” The hours passed with Becky assuring Xian she loved him and was there for him while also suggesting having Xian’s testosterone levels checked, the various ways they could keep this news quiet, and perhaps he could still marry a woman. Replaying in Xian’s head were the birthday wishes he’d silently made as he blew out his candles every year since the age of 5—with every wish, he’d plead to have being gay taken away from him. While Xian felt his mom was listening that night but not really hearing him, he did not resent her response. He says, “It took me 20 years to be okay with myself. This was her first time hearing it, so I couldn’t expect her to just know how to handle it. She was raised in the same setting I’d been.”
His patience continued every time his parents would send him scriptures or life advice afterwards that he didn’t exactly find helpful. “It took several years, but eventually they got it. They were just in fix-it mode.” Immediately after, Xian says Becky wanted to tell her oldest son, and Xian senses it was because as the “golden child,” he felt this brother would back up his parents’ religious perspective on things. But Xian wanted to tell his siblings all at once. Eventually, Xian got a call from his oldest brother while out with friends, a call that had “a bit of a funeral vibe.” Subsequently, Xian wrote an email to all his six siblings at once, not wanting to make phone calls that “would have taken a lot of out of me.” Within 24 hours, all his siblings had called him to express their surprise but for the most part, love and support. One call still hurts Xian to this day, as he remembers the words of one of his siblings: “Why are you doing this? Our family is not an eternal family anymore.” Xian replied, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m still the same person. This isn’t a choice I’m making or something I’m just deciding to do.”
After a decade spent watching his six siblings all marry, it was finally Xian’s turn a few years ago. After having a couple longer term boyfriends who were always invited to family events, he eventually found a man he wanted to marry. As the day approached, the same sibling expressed a few days before that she would not be bringing her kids to the ceremony or joining the rest of the siblings in participating in the wedding party. It surprised Xian that his sister was still struggling, but during a heart-to-heart conversation on a park bench, he decided he wasn’t going to be mad at her for it, trusting that she was trying her best. He let her know he loved her and cared about her, and he feels she does love him in return, though feels their relationship is not what it once was.
When Xian was in grad school, he’d still attend sacrament meeting with his Catholic boyfriend at the time, but then would “say peace out” after that first meeting. But when the 2015 policy came out, Xian felt devastated—not because he wanted his future kids to be LDS, but that when he went back to the second Article of Faith, which preaches “men should be punished for their own sins and not for Adam’s transgression,” Xian couldn’t reconcile how if his kids chose to get baptized, they wouldn’t be allowed to because of who their parents are. He says, “It didn’t sit right with me, that Heavenly Father would allow that.” He and his boyfriend at the time went to dinner with his parents to talk about it, and Xian’s parents concurred they felt horrible about it all. While the policy was later reversed, Xian says, “I can only get stabbed so many times before saying I can’t get stabbed anymore. I needed to be healthy and stepped away. I don’t feel upset. I have so much more peace now than when I tried to fit in that box. I still use prayer, it’s a part of my life. And I feel closer to my Heavenly Father, and am more at peace with who I am.”
While Xian no longer believes in the LDS church as the “restored true church,” he says he has no anger with his family members for their beliefs, and would never expect them to change, as they wouldn’t try to make him change. “I try to love them for exactly who they are. If that brings them joy, who am I to take that away? I have so many aspects of my life that are positive from how I was raised. Also, some negative… but I try to compartmentalize and not focus on contention I don’t want with my family. Whether our beliefs are the same or different, we love and care for each other. My family has done a good job at that.”
The Mackintosh family now reflects a lot of diversity, and Xian says his mom Becky has credited his coming out to her ease at appreciating all the differences and “opening her mind to a world that wasn’t what she always thought it was.” Xian says he’s “super proud” of his parents who’ve been such a great help to many others. He appreciates how his mom recently apologized for things she said when he first came out, to which he replied, “I have no resentment. I knew you were doing the best you could at that time.” He loves how his parents both “did their best, which wasn’t great, but ever since, they’ve been learning and expanding. A lot of people don’t do that. Mine did want to understand and were willing to listen. They’ve constantly built on their love and capacity. They hold a LGBTQ FHE at their home, and my mom’s spent thousands of hours chatting with LGBT individuals. She’s come so far from the mom who first wanted me to get my testosterone checked.”
A lover of all things outdoors, Xian is self-employed, building and selling cold plunges. Now living in a home he purchased in North Salt Lake, Xian is healing from a difficult marriage and divorce, and taking the time to “focus on me”—as well as the numerous pets he cares for, as a lifelong avid animal lover and now, also a beekeeper. Xian owns High Mountain Frenchies, LLC and breeds rare Long Haired French Bulldogs. He loves how the pups he has at his house get along well with the very different (hairless) Sphynx cats and also the quail he raises. For Xian Mackintosh, it’s a coagulation of diversity and beauty in creation all under one household, values his entire family has worked to cultivate together as they’ve come together in increased love and understanding.
