“When he was 13, Aiden, (who went by Emma at the time), came to me on a mundane Saturday morning, with a ghostlike expression and journal in hand. I was working in the kitchen; my husband Joseph was folding laundry. Emma said, ‘Mom, I need you to look at something. Can we go somewhere private’?” Annalee was then led outside where she silently read the confessions of her second born child who had she had always known as her little girl. She read Emma’s words that she had “no attraction to boys whatsoever,” and confession that she was gay. Annalee read all this silently, but inside felt like she was screaming. “I didn’t see this coming.”
Annalee and Joseph watched as Emma soon after cut her hair and expressed a desire to dress in a more masculine way. As they grieved the loss of the future they anticipated their child would have, Annalee went to a Northstar conference. New in her journey, she wondered what they had done wrong, and how could they help their child feel their love. At the time, Annalee and Joseph had no idea that another unexpected announcement would be coming. A few years later, (then) Emma stayed home from school, feeling sick, and confessed that, “My brain does not match my biological sex. I want to use he/him pronouns; I like the name Aiden.”
Annalee says “I had just digested him being gay; I didn’t fathom he might also be transgender.” For LDS-raised Annalee, everything up until that point had fit into neat little boxes. She was a returned missionary, college graduate, married in the temple to another RM, two-time Young Women’s president and mother of four: Josh – now 21, Aiden – 19, Caleb – 16 and Lizzy – 14. She says she had always been the type of person who saw things as black and white, and “used to feel being gay or trans was a choice.” Annalee has a gay sister who she always believed had chosen this -- to the extent that she didn’t invite her sister’s girlfriend into her house, saying she “didn’t want that modeled for the kids.” Before it was her own child who had come out, Annalee used to wonder, “Why would anything go against the plan God has for His children?”
But it wasn’t until Annalee saw Aiden writhing on the floor, clawing at his chest, hating his body and assigned gender, that it hit her – why would anyone choose this?
Ever since Aiden first came out as gay, the Kellys have always been on the same page as a couple, in putting their family first. When their son told them he’s transgender, they did wonder if it might be a phase. But as it became clear it was more than that, together they mourned the loss of their child’s given pronouns, name and identity, and moved into full love and support mode. She says, “I hate that it was Aiden’s suffering that finally softened my heart. I’ve learned line upon line that Aiden is who he says he is, and I know him now fully as my second born son. We know that him leaving church is what it is, and he needed to do that to find peace. Through his suffering, I have grown closer to Jesus Christ more than I have from any other element. Jesus has walked with me as I’ve walked with Aiden, and He’s taken me to other beautiful, lesser-known corners of His vineyard.”
From Aiden’s perspective, he says his childhood experience probably sounds similar to those of most queer kids. “I knew I was different from a young age; I just didn’t have the language to describe why, having grown up in the environment I did.” After Aiden came out as gay, he still continued to question his identity, and it was through social media that he finally figured out exactly what he was experiencing. “I found an account of a transgender person and scrolled through posts from their history to their transition to their current state and something finally felt so right. I thought, that’s me! That’s who I am. Once I learned the term ‘transgender,’ I KNEW I was a boy.”
As a child, Aiden says he loved to play pretend, and always cast himself in a male role. He loved action figures, and always chose playing with Ken over Barbie. He’s grateful his friends at the time just went with it. But around the age of 15, Aiden says, “Once I realized what I was, it wasn’t something I could keep to myself if I wanted to keep living. I felt so dark, and knew if I couldn’t be myself, I would die. I just felt that way. Today, if I had to live as a girl, I’d be dead.” And indeed, it was a loving bishop who reassured Annalee back when the family was struggling with everything that “I’d rather have a transgender son than a dead daughter.”
Once Aiden’s parents got on the same page with him, he began transitioning. In his sophomore year, he had to leave high school for a trimester for mental health reasons; and when he returned, he found his former friends weren’t there for him anymore. He reasons that this drifting away partly had to do with him also stepping away from their church community. But Aiden quickly became involved in his school’s drama program, and for the next three years, he says, “That was my home, and I made the best friends I’ve ever had. They didn’t even hesitate when I said I was trans. They loved me for me. It felt so nice to be loved without a second thought. It will always mean so much to me.”
After high school graduation, Aiden moved to West Jordan, UT, where he is now thriving. He loves the bigger town atmosphere. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been,” he says, and he laughs that he now often sings along to Billie Eilish’s song “Happier Than Ever” with authenticity. Aiden loves working both at the box office at the U of U, and Culvers. He has reconnected with some friends he made at Northstar, and they share an affinity for filmmaking -- a career he’d like to pursue someday. He has dated a few girls, and would like to find a relationship in the future, but says he understands that, “It’s complicated to find girls attracted to a transgender male. But someday I hope to find a girl who likes me for me.”
In retrospect, Aiden says he is grateful for the good times he experienced at church – girls’ camp, friends, and some especially kind and loving Young Women’s leaders who really showed up for him during hard times. “There was nothing anyone could have done differently – I just couldn’t be there anymore. At first, I didn’t want to leave, but some of the teachings were really harmful. I wouldn’t go back; but it wasn’t all bad,” Aiden says.
Aiden respects the relationship and involvement his parents still have with the church, and they admire the maturity he shows in not questioning their faith as a lack of respect or love for him. Annalee says, “He knows I have questions about the LDS culture and stuff, but he know this is where we need to be.” And Aiden also knows they are always there for him.
For many years, the Kellys have co-hosted a monthly support group for LGBTQ+ people and families in their Idaho Falls area along with the (recently featured) Taylor family. Open Arms typically welcomes a standing room only-sized crowd as dozens come each month to hear and share stories and find acceptance and love. Aiden lauds the attendees as “some of the kindest people in the LDS community – I wish everyone was that loving.”
Annalee takes great comfort in the Open Arms group who has embraced them while creating an equally safe space for others. She also appreciates that she has come to a place where she can maintain a firm faith in God and also understand her son’s divinity. “I celebrate that I have my Aiden – he’s taught me so much, and I wouldn’t trade those tears of the past for anything. I’m so grateful for everything I’ve learned.”
