“As soon as Lu was born, my husband and I were sitting on our bed and looking at this cute little baby with black hair that stuck up in every direction, and we both felt that there was something about this child that we couldn’t quite put our finger on,” says Leah Higginbotham of Highland, Utah. She and husband Dylan are the parents of Olivia – 19, Gage – 17, Nash – 14, Lu – 11, and Lila – 8. Leah says that as Lu (birth name: Lucy) grew, as soon as they could express a preference, Lu was always in boy clothes and wanted their hair cut short. One of Lu’s first sentences when Leah tried to put her toddler in something pink was, “No, I a boy,” as Lu pushed her mother away. Every Sunday was a struggle trying to get Lu into a dress for church. The rest of the week, the Higginbothams allowed Lu to dress as preferred, which frequently attracted comments like, “Oh she’s a tomboy. I used to be a tomboy…” But as Lu grew, instead of leaning away from being a boy, Lu leaned into it even more.
Lu’s parents always let them just wear the clothes. For Leah and Dylan, it was not a big deal. Lu also played on all-boy baseball teams. They were obsessed with all sports, actually, as well as Star Wars, playing Lego, and Lu excels at martial arts. “Anything a typical boy would be into, Lu loves doing it.” But for Leah, there was always a hang up with Lu’s hair. She says, “Lu has shiny hair with a white streak – ‘a ghost spot’ -- that runs through it. I kept Lucy’s hair long, and it was always a fight. One time we compromised with a side shave, and I added in a side lightning bolt. As I first shaved Lu’s hair, I started to cry; Lu started to cry. We hugged, and it was a beautiful moment.” Shortly after, Lu turned eight and was baptized, and Leah incorporated the letters CTR into Lu’s hairstyle. A few months later, they shaved Lu’s full head – a big moment for Leah. “And I was okay with it. When I took that buzzer to Lu’s head, I felt a release of emotions. Those golden locks held all those hopes and dreams… and here was a real moment when I could let go of expectations, and let Lu be the person he is.”
The Higginbothams are in a homeschool co-op, and their kids meet twice a week with 30 other families. One week, Lu asked Leah if they could be called Luca at the co-op -- just to try it out. Leah sent the request to the other co-op families who responded with a positive, “Great! Let us know how we can support you.” Leah was touched when a teacher also reached out to say, “Sorry, I’ve slipped up a couple times, but please let me know how I can help.”
Leah says, “That’s where we’re at – this trial period. A grey zone. I usually call them Luca. A lot of cousins and others still say Lucy. Lu doesn’t seem to care. Lu’s middle name is Love, and that 100% embodies this child. They want to be friends with everyone, they love everyone. Lu is generally an easygoing kid. When I ask if they’re bothered by being called Lucy at times, they shrug and say, ‘It’s the name you gave me’.”
Lu’s older sister Olivia, who is heavily involved in theatre, left the LDS church a couple years ago because it was too hard for her to reconcile the stance on LGBTQ issues, having so many LGBTQ friends. Leah says, “She’s a real warrior for Lu and ready to honor any name/pronoun changes.” Leah says, “I’m also now having a harder time going to church and listening to people’s unkind, uninformed comments in classes, but I really want to build a bridge instead of a wall. I want to be in the church to fight for Lu. Lu’s baptism was the most spiritual experience any of us have ever had -- we kind of expected angels to come down singing. It took place on a crystal clear day outdoors in a fresh water stream in a tiny town called Fayette, UT, where my ancestors are from. Right after the baptism, Lu asked, “When can I go in the baptismal font in the temple?” Leah says Lu has been looking forward to that day since, but now is asking – “Wait, I have to get baptized for girls? Why not boys? And why can’t I baptize others like Gage can?” Leah hates that she has to say, “Sorry, because you were born with girl parts.”
But still, this hasn’t dampened Lu’s desire to go to the temple, now just a month away. Leah herself feels both “excited and nervous” for that same moment. Lu wears a three-piece suit to church and “looks so sharp” every week, says Leah. For Dylan, it’s been more of a struggle as his fourth child’s identity doesn’t align with a lot of his firmly held beliefs. But Leah has seen more understanding as of late. She says, “Just this week, for the first time Dylan called Lu by his chosen name of Luca. It was just a ‘Luca, put on your shoes to get into the car’ kind of thing but it was a big deal for me.” Leah says Dylan used to watch a lot of political commentary that was very black-and-white about gender issues, but lately he has tried to “turn off the noise.” Recently, a pundit made a comment that ruffled Leah, and she was happy to hear her husband say, “That guy obviously hasn’t had a gay kid.” Now, Dylan also listens to Listen, Learn and Love and Latter Gay Stories podcasts, and Leah says he practices more of a “the older I get, the less I know” mindset about things.
Leah’s awareness as to the different paths some face started at an early age. She grew up with a younger brother with special needs, including a deformed body and severe speech impediment. Leah says, “I know his spirit is fully intact. And because of him, I’ve worked with lots of special needs people – and I see all these people with temporary mortal bodies that do not match up with their spirits. I think it can sometimes be easy for people to see that some disabled bodies don’t match. But when I look at Lu, I feel the same – not that Lu has a physical handicap, but that Lu’s temporal body does not match up with their spirit. I know that someday everything will be reconciled. In the meantime, I hope people will be kind, and that Lu will find happiness and hope.”
The Higginbotham kids all love and embrace each other, though for some it’s easier than others to understand what Lu’s experiencing. Older brother Gage has experienced moments of discomfort adjusting to Lu’s new name and gender identity, but remains staunchly defensive of Lu regardless. Once, when the Higginbothams were in Arizona visiting family, they had gone to walk around the grounds of the Mesa temple, and to a nearby park. After Leah and Dylan circled the pond, they returned to find Gage with his arm around Lu, both walking to the car. Lu was visibly upset. A mom from the playground ran up to tell Leah “You’re raising your kids right. They stuck up for your kid.” Once inside the quiet sanctuary of their car, the kids shared that a girl on the playground started throwing rocks and screaming profanities at Lu because she’d heard the Higginbotham kids calling Lu “Lucy” while wearing “boy clothes.” Lu’s siblings quickly came to their defense, circling and protecting Lu from the bully. In the car, Lu broke down sobbing, “Why would someone say that? Why would someone do that? I didn’t do anything to her.” Riled, Leah later posted about the incident on Facebook, saying, “You’ve got to choose a side. Are you going to be on the side that’s throwing rocks or standing on the side that’s protecting? This is what our LGBTQ kids face every day. Pick a side.”
When the Higginbothams returned from their trip, their house was covered with hearts, posters, plates of treats, and positive messages that filled Lu’s tank for weeks after in a “Gee Mom, people sure do love me” kind of way. Many of the sentiments still hang today in Lu’s room.
As Leah reflects on what it’s been like to raise Lu, she says, “I had someone tell me once that gay people can’t feel the Holy Ghost, and I have never been so close to punching someone in the face. I was so hurt by that because as I think back on my 21 years as a wife and mother, my top five spiritual experiences all involve Lu. I have seen miracles surrounding this child. I have seen angels protecting this child. I have been given visions that have literally saved Lu’s life. So I know for a fact that God is very much involved in Lu’s life. Lu feels the Holy Ghost. Lu knows they’re a child of God. This is what reassures me as I face all the fears and the unknown future.”
