“It was just an average Tuesday, and probably the millionth time I’d picked Nicole up from soccer practice,” says Mike Ostermiller of Kaysville, UT. Driving home, they were stuck in traffic, trying to make conversation. On Mike’s mind was a recent experience his wife Kristy had shared, after walking into Nicole’s room and finding her watching a video of two girls kissing. Mike decided it was time to bring it up. Nicole, who was 15 and struggling with depression at the time, didn’t come out and say the words “I’m gay” directly, but she made it clear to her dad that she was attracted to girls instead of boys. Mike says, “I had this moment that I don’t know that any parent plans for. I hadn’t.” But following his gut, Mike turned to his daughter and said, “Nicole, I appreciate you sharing that. I can tell that took a lot of bravery on your part. I love you, and we’re going to figure this out. I don’t know that I’m ready to have this conversation with you today. You’ve trusted me with this information, and I only get one chance to respond. I don’t want to screw it up.” With that, both exhaled and shelved the conversation.
For Mike and Kristy, the next couple days were a blur of reading, praying, and scouring sites for any personal experiences they could get their hands on. Mike says, “For two days, I couldn’t eat or work or sleep well. I just studied every piece of information I could get. I was so struck and embarrassed by how little I knew about the subject. I think of myself as a well-read person, and thought I knew something about this, but it became abundantly clear, I didn’t.” One of the most common pieces of advice Mike read was that when your child comes out, it’s time to stop worrying about church, school, neighbors, etc. – what anyone else thinks. The most important thing is to focus on saving your child’s life. He says, “I remember thinking, ‘Well, that’s ridiculous, I can see how that applies to others, but Nicole’s a straight A student, she’s been raised by a loving family in an upper-middle class household. There’s no way she could be suicidal’.” But after Mike finally continued the conversation with Nicole later that week – which was a pleasant one once Nicole realized she’d have both of her parents’ support, Mike turned back while leaving her room and said, almost as an aside, “Nicole, you’ve never thought about hurting or killing yourself over this, have you?” And in that moment, he watched as his tough, strong-willed, typically dry-eyed daughter’s eyes now welled with tears as she said, “Daddy (a name she never uses), I’ve thought about that every single day for the last two years. Every night, I go to bed and think ‘I’m not sure I’ll be around tomorrow night. I’ll just wake up and see how it goes’.”
With that, a switch flipped in Mike’s brain. A successful CEO and attorney, he has since incorporated lobbying the UT legislature for LGBTQ equality into his advocacy efforts, as well as serving on the board at Encircle, where Nicole also now works as a program assistant. Mike says, “Now, five years later, I no longer have anxiety about my daughter coming out, but instead over the notion: what if I didn’t have this experience? Where would I be? I now understand unconditional love so much better. Sure, it’s been challenging and complicated, but it’s been such a beautiful journey for our family. Whatever curves and bumps lie ahead, I’m sure our whole family will benefit from them.”
For Kristy, her daughter’s coming out was a different journey, as it took her a bit longer to wrap her head around how to reconcile her church’s teachings with the love for a child whose path might now look different. She now laughs at the cluelessness she showed toward the “clues” Nicole had left along the way for her parents, hinting at her orientation. Like the video, which Kristy says she still didn’t equate with being gay at the time. Once Kristy realized that was the case, she turned toward a respected therapist and friend who told her, “It’s ok if you grieve and mourn the path you’d set up for Nicole to take. Now she’s going to be on a different path. It’s okay to take some time to process. And then, it’s time to pick up the pieces and help Nicole, even though she’s not going down the same mission and temple marriage journey you envisioned in the LDS faith. You need to still be her parent and her friend and help her. What’s most important is her core values.”
With this, Kristy encouraged Nicole to maintain the same structure and values with which they’d raised their other kids (Bryan – now 24, Sarah – 18, and Spencer – 15). She still had a curfew and was expected to be honest, avoid alcohol, keep the law of chastity. And while her parents understood and supported her aversion to attending church activities, at first, they asked her to attend Sunday services with them until after a few months when the anxiety got to be too much for Nicole, who said she’d do fine all week long, but then crack under the pressure of Sundays. “We made course corrections,” says Kristy, “as together we learned what worked best for her.” Like when Nicole was ready to start dating. Kristy says, “I remember thinking ‘Ok, here we go. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this’,” but the two would have frank conversations in which Nicole told her mom how she could make things easier for her. “I appreciated that. We’re now in a good place. She’s very patient and understanding, and this experience has taught me to be more patient and understanding as well. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
Nicole was also going to counseling at the time, and after several months finally felt ready to tell her siblings. Kristy says they all had cute reactions, especially younger brother Spencer who said, “Nicole, that’s fine if you’re gay – I love you, but you’re still not taking my X-box.” In reality, Kristy says, “Our kids have more unconditional love, and realize that no one’s higher or lower on the scale of human hierarchy. Everyone deserves to be loved. There’s nothing wrong with anyone; no one’s broken. They’ve all wanted to support Nicole in whatever she’s doing, and they’ve also gotten involved with Encircle and other LGBTQ support groups. Now, Nicole’s doing great; our whole family’s doing great.”
Nicole is now 20 and lives with her girlfriend and their cat Milo in Salt Lake, where in addition to working at Encircle, she’s studying psychology at the University of Utah. The Ostermillers are grateful their community of friends and family have all shown them support in the best ways they respectively know how. Kristy says, “It’s interesting because I’ve observed that often non-religious people are often more immediately accepting of our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters whereas those of us brought up in religious paradigms often have to think for a minute first when presented with something contrary to what we perceived was the prescribed path. It was the same for me at first. Loving and accepting Nicole has never been hard. It has taken some time to reconcile my beliefs because I love my religious beliefs. I’ve had to study, think and pray about it. There are certain aspects of my church’s teachings regarding LGBTQ issues that I now struggle to understand, and I’m okay with that. I feel that I can still love and accept my daughter and be a member of my church.”
The Ostermillers strongly feel that by sharing stories like theirs, hearts will be softened as understanding is increased. And then, we can move closer to their goal to “not just accept but CELEBRATE people who are LGBTQ.” Mike believes, “It’s really important that we have these conversations and listen to our LGBTQ family members and friends. And for any who have an opportunity to teach or preach in any religious setting, I hope people are mindful of the fact that what they say and how they say it has real impact on people’s well-being and emotional health, sometimes in a life-threatening way. Let’s all take a minute before speaking to ask: ‘does this need to be said? Is there a better way to say it?’ Let’s all love better, more. It comes down to that. Let’s just love each other.”
