John and Jenie Hunter of Brandon, FL had been trying to have children for some time when the opportunity presented itself to adopt a baby boy from a teen mom in Tennessee. They were ecstatic to bring their son Nicholas (now 24) home, and further thrilled when they were able to later have five biological daughters, Grace – 21, twins Ellie and Sarah Jane – 19, Mary – 17, and Kate – 12. As they raised their kids, John and Jenie noticed other differences about Nick -- besides being the oldest and only boy. They wondered how much nature vs. nurture played into things. “He was always exceptionally artistic,” says John. “He’d come to me and say, ‘Dad, draw me the ship from Star Wars,’ and I was like ‘Uh…,’ and then he’d proceed to draw it out with incredible detail. He saw the whole world in lines and shapes. He was always so creative. We love that about him.”
Nick also went through phases of becoming consumed with random passions – tractors, diamonds, skeletons, Faberge eggs. As he grew, his parents noticed more differences between him and their other kids and they started to wonder if he might be gay. When Nick was 14, Jenie could tell something was weighing on him and they started going to counseling. Shortly after, she says, “I went to the temple and had an impression where the Lord told me, ‘Nick’s gay.’ I came home and told John, and he believed me.” They decided Jenie would take Nick on a date to discuss it. They went to a museum, and at lunch, Jenie asked her son, “Nick, is this something you’re dealing with?” Nick started crying and said he was so relieved Jenie had asked him, and was so accepting of his affirmative response. He then shared he’d been so nervous his parents would kick him out of the house, based on what had happened to other kids who he had read about online. Jenie went home to John that night and confirmed their impressions were real. John says, “While it didn’t hit us out of the blue like it does for some families, it was still hard. Life was difficult. You could tell Nick was in emotional pain. We were just happy we could have a real discussion about it all.”
Growing up the only son in an LDS household, John says there were built-in expectations that your kid would do this or that, or hit this benchmark, that he’s sure Nick felt the pressure of. The family pivoted as they realized some of those things might not lie in Nick’s future. Jenie says, “We didn’t know a lot of people with gay children and how we should handle everything. We were making it up as we went. We made a lot of rookie mistakes. One time, we even suggested a weekend camp he could go to and maybe he’d come back differently.” John acknowledges there’s both a learning and grieving process all parents of LGBTQ+ go through as they readjust their expectations and preconceived notions of what parenting their kid might be like. Jenie says in hindsight, she’s not sure whether it was the chicken or the egg, but when Nick turned 16, he really started struggling with emotional issues. He started self-medicating with drugs and spent a year in a residential treatment center that initially was a very difficult thing for all the family, but he now credits the experience with saving his life.
The Hunters are very open with their family’s journey, and they say their Florida ward family has been supportive and accepting. Back in high school, Nick started dating guys and his parents were fine with this, as long as he adhered to the same standards they expected of their daughters, many of which were from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. They laugh, remembering one time Jenie drove an hour away to meet a guy Nick had a date with just because they had a family rule that they had to first meet all their kids’ dates. John says, “Just because you’re gay, it doesn’t mean you have a different set of standards.”
Jenie was an early morning seminary teacher, and Nick was her best student. Now, as a student at UVU, he attends church “occasionally.” He says things are a little harder culturally for him in Utah, but likes to go back to his home ward in Florida with his family. His parents are impressed how Nick is as much an ally as LGBTQ himself. He’s open with sharing his story as he believes, “If I can help anyone, I’ll do it.” The Hunters have always maintained a strong relationship with lots of love and support, even during his tough years. “Our love is not transactional.” And John and Jenie love that their daughters are the biggest allies and maintain a close relationship with Nick. Both Grace and Sarah Jane, who now attend BYU, are in the same town with him and get together often.
Nick loves his Savior Jesus Christ but chose not to serve a mission because he didn’t feel comfortable teaching all the doctrine. He wants a happy marriage partnership like his parents, and they likewise want him to find his person. Jenie says it’s “heart-breaking” to imagine him living his whole life alone. While Nick’s told his parents a dream of his is to have all his future kids baptized and to have his family in the LDS church, his parents say he still finds it challenging to balance his testimony and beliefs versus other positions of the church. Counseling has been a positive addition to his life, and he is now studying psychology to become an art therapist for kids. He’d like to specialize in helping LGBTQ+ kids.
Currently, while attending school, Nick works as a preschool teacher in Park City, and his parents say he loves the unconditional love the children he teaches show him. They also say he continues to be an amazing artist: “He can turn garage junk into a sculpture we could sell. He can build a robot out of a pool noodle and a broken chair.” John admits it’s a continual process for he and Jenie to build Nick up and reassure him they love him. “We tell him we’re here to support him on his journey and can’t even begin to understand how hard it is. But no matter what, we’ll stand with him. We loved the part in Tom Christofferson’s book about how Tom’s mother said that how the family treats Tom and his partner (of the time) will let all the family members know that nothing can ever change the way their parents feel about them. I’ve had to learn and grow to be able to recognize there’s not just one way, or perhaps my way is not always the only way. There are lots of paths – some zigzag, some have a lot of detours and scenic overlooks, but you eventually make it there.”
John says he loves all the things that are different about Nick, because they help John himself to be a better person. “I’m changing, I’m learning, I’m growing. I have more charity, more understanding, more empathy. This all impacts my journey, too. He’s helping me become who the Lord wants me to be. Having an LGBTQ child allows us a great canvas to grow with. You learn more how the Savior treats everyone. I’m a better person because Nick’s my son.” These lessons have helped John greatly through his current service as stake president as he counsels others who are met with various challenges and growth experiences. He strongly agrees with President Nelson that anytime we show love to another, we are helping people feel the love of their Savior and assisting the work of exaltation.
Jenie also says being Nick’s parent has been a privilege, and she encourages other mothers in her position to “embrace the calling.” When she first understood this was to be her path, Jenie said she barely knew anyone else in her same position, so she went to a good life coach who helped her navigate. She then got certified to coach herself, and she felt the Lord pushing her toward helping other LGBTQ families. You may now recognize Jenie as a familiar face at Lift and Love where we are lucky to have her help Allison run the podcast, support groups, and coaching program. In 2019, when Jenie first stumbled upon @liftandloveorg, she says, “I was impressed that here was a place I can work to keep people tethered to the Savior while navigating their journey as an LGBTQ family. These are some of the most amazing moms I’ve ever met. I want to help people stay connected to Christ and the gospel; He’s our partner in this.”
The Hunters have helped start an LGBTQ FHE group in their Tampa, FL-area stake. John is buoyed by the thought that “there is room in the choir for everyone.” He says, “We have to continue to make everyone feel more welcome at church. It should be diverse. We need and want everyone. Anytime someone wants to make Christ a part of their life, we want them.”
