THE ROGERS FAMILY

Lynell and John Rogers first met in 1998, at a single adult church activity in Washington state. John was a returned missionary who had served in Arizona and Lynell was a recent convert who had just returned from a mission to Minnesota that week. After a very short engagement, they were married in the Portland Oregon Temple. Today they have been married for over 25 years and have four daughters, Kendall (age 23), WakeLee “Wake” (age 14), Stevie (age 12), and Hero (age 7).

Oldest daughter Kendall (she/her) was always a bit of an overachiever - she finished the Personal Progress program as a Beehive, graduated from high school with an associates degree at 16 (and her Bachelor degree at age 18) and usually has multiple ward & stake callings. “Kendall has always had a strong sense of justice. People feel drawn to her and many have been comfortable coming out to her over the years. She will stand up for anyone and she will speak up if something isn’t right. She has made our family more aware of how LGBTQ people are hurting - not because of who they are, but because of how people treat them”.

John and Lynell had “mostly been around an attitude (among many church members) of ‘well, the doctrine is the doctrine, so take it or leave it’ and it seemed like that was how it had to be,” says Lynell. “I did feel sorry for people & families who were hurting because of policy or being personally mistreated by other members, but I felt like I had a responsibility, especially in the capacity of leadership callings, to ‘tell it like it is’ when it came to doctrine and policy, with kind of a ‘throwing up my hands’ attitude, like ‘sorry - it’s out if my control!’… because it felt like it was out of my control. What could I do? I had an obligation to ‘teach the doctrine’.”

During her teenage years, Kendall had many conversations with her parents, patiently trying to help them understand the point of view of LGBTQ people. Lynell & John had many common questions like, “Why do LGBTQ people even have to come out? It’s nobody’s business who they are attracted to!” and “Why do they have to put gay characters in every tv show now?”

It wasn’t until John & Lynell actually got to know more LGBTQ people in their area that their hearts began to open up. Kendall was involved in the local single adult branch after college, and as the family got to know many of those individuals, John and Lynell began to realize that there were a lot more LGBTQ people in the area than they had assumed. However, “most of were afraid to come out to their parents, church members, employers, etc. It didn’t seem right.” 

One person who did come out publicly was family friend Bethany, who had been in the young women program along with Kendall, while Lynell was serving as Young Women President in their ward. “After that, I started thinking a lot about what I had said during those years that might have been insensitive to her and the other youth who I had just assumed were all straight & cisgender”

John and Lynell’s attitudes began to change over time. Instead of continuing to be upset about “supposedly being inconvenienced by LGBTQ people” or some perceived social agenda, “we became more concerned about actual people. Not lumped together as a faceless group, but as individuals that we knew and cared about. We started worrying about things like, is anyone sitting alone? Does everyone have a safe place to go tonight? Who doesn't have a family to go home to for the holidays? When you focus on people and not making assumptions about entire groups of people, you start to see what is actually going on”

Kendall was called to serve a full-time proselyting mission in Salt Lake City, Utah. While serving in SLC, she covered many wards and stakes, working very briefly with a certain ward Relief Society President by the name of Allison Dayton (founder of the Lift+Love Foundation). Kendall began following Lift+Love on social media.

Meanwhile, back in Washington state, stay-at-home mom Lynell had followed a prompting to return to college. She attended BYU-I online through the PathwayConnect program but had no real plan for a major. Ultimately, she felt impressed to get a degree in Web Design & Development (computer programming with an emphasis in design for websites & social media). “Programming was very difficult for me. I had to take one especially tough class three times before I passed it! But I couldn’t give up, because again & again I felt that there was a specific job that the Lord wanted me to do that was very important to Him and would impact many people. I couldn’t fathom that something I would be able to do could possibly be that impactful, but if it was that important to the Lord, there was no way I was going to give up”. After graduation, Lynell applied for some jobs that didn’t go anywhere and did some freelance work. Every day she wondered - what was this important job she’d felt inspired about, and how would she find it? 

Shortly after Kendall returned from her mission,  she moved to the East Coast for work. One day, she called Lynell with important news. “Mom,” she said excitedly, “stop whatever you’re doing! This is more important!”. Kendall told Lynell about Allison and Lift+Love. “I just saw online that Lift+Love needs someone to help with social media, and you need to contact her RIGHT NOW!” Allison and Lynell soon met over Zoom and hit it off. “I immediately knew the work Allison was doing with Lift+Love was inspired by the Lord. I don’t say that lightly. Her personal experiences with her brother and her son put her in a unique position to be able to help LGBTQ Latter-day Saints and their families who need resources and support, but aren’t sure where they can find them. She sees the (sometimes awkward) space where many parents are - they love the Lord, and they are faithful members of the church, but they also know that their children are beloved of God - that they aren’t bad and they weren’t created by mistake. It can be a difficult place to navigate, especially when you are first starting out. I wanted to help, too” 

Lynell has been working remotely for Lift+Love since 2021, managing the website and social media accounts. “I feel really lucky to be able to use my education to be able to contribute in some way. Every single day, I am excited to do this work”

Working remotely from Washington state, Lynell was able to do her work for Lift+Love through video calls, texts, and other online resources without ever being in the same room as Allison. “The first time I met Allison and Jenie (Hunter) in person was at the 2022 Lift+Love Mother’s Retreat in Utah. I had gone to the retreat just to help, but it was so great to meet many of the women I’d admired, especially those from the Lift+Love Family stories. I did feel a bit of ‘imposter syndrome’ because I was asked many times by the attendees about my own queer kid(s) - which was to be expected at a retreat for moms of LGBTQ kids”, Lynell realizes, “but I felt a little strange for being there when I didn’t have any queer kids myself. Which is funny to me now, because I actually DID have queer kids, but I just didn’t know it at the time”. 

John had also felt prompted to learn more about the LGBTQ community. He read a lot of books and articles, and instead of listening to his usual sports radio or political podcasts, he started listening to the “Questions from the Closet” podcast. “For me, listening to Charlie Bird and Ben Schilaty explain things helped a lot. I instantly respected them both, and I found it very easy to understand things that I couldn’t understand before, through their perspective.” John began making small changes, like adding his pronouns to his email signature at work and putting LGBTQ-affirming stickers on his water bottles. 

Between John’s research and Lynell’s work at Lift+Love, they found themselves discussing LGBTQ issues on a daily basis, from an ally perspective. They would excitedly share things they had learned and discuss questions like, “If one of our kids were LGBTQ, how would we want to handle it?” “It gave us many opportunities to talk things through and get on the same page. We didn’t have the urgency of having a ‘horse in the race’ like many parents do when they’re first navigating these issues, so we were able to be more objective than we might have been if we'd had a kid come out to us first.”

While Kendall (she/her, age 22 at the time) was visiting her family for Easter a few months ago, she and her sister Wake (she/her, age 13 at that time) gave their parents Easter eggs that contained a picture. The picture was a screenshot from the NSYNC ‘Bye Bye Bye’ video, with three of the singer's faces replaced by the (hilariously photoshopped-on) faces of Kendall, Wake, and family friend Bethany. The caption read “Bi Bi Bi.”  “I didn’t get it,” says Lynell, “I thought they were teasing me because someone recently told me that I seemed like the kind of person who would like boy bands. So I’m like, “That’s great, guys. Hilarious.” Then (ironically) I went right back to working on something I was doing for Lift+Love, without giving it any thought. Kendall and Wake just sat there, staring. It finally started to dawn on me, and I said, ‘Wait, are you making fun of me, or are you trying to say something?’”

They were trying to say something... 

As they had planned together, Kendall and Wake both came out to their parents as bisexual (Kendall now identifies as queer). John and Lynell replied that this was fine with them, that they love and support them, etc. John says, “We feel like we were very fortunate because we had been prepared and we were able to answer sincerely in a supportive way. I don’t know exactly what our initial responses would have been if the girls had come out much earlier, but there definitely would have been fear and concern on our end. Today, our only concerns are that they are safe & happy.”

Kendall and Wake didn’t come out publicly right away, telling only a few close friends and continuing to attend the Lift+Love online support groups for young adults & youth. It wasn’t until the last weekend in August 2022 that both sisters decided to come out together (from opposite sides of the country) to their other relatives and the general public. Wake (13) is an award-winning thespian, who says she came out because she was “tired of trying to hide” who she is. “When I was with my friends who knew, like at theater camp, I could relax and be happy. The rest of the time, I was so stressed and could never feel comfortable being myself.”

John and Lynell have received mixed reactions from people about the news that two of their daughters are queer. “A few people have expressed surprise that we ‘allow’ our kids to be bisexual, since we are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We didn’t ‘allow’ it, that is how they were created. It honestly never occurred to us to try to change who they are. They don’t need to change. It is NOT a sin to be LGBTQ.”

“Our kids are not stereotypes or characters on a tv show. They haven’t ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd’. They are not confused. When they say that this is how they were created, and have always been, we believe them. Our daughters are respected for their intelligence, kindness, and leadership skills. If you respected them before you found out they were LGBTQ, that shouldn’t change. They haven’t changed, but your perception of them may have changed. Who they are attracted to is their own business, same as it has always been.”

“We don’t have all the answers to every gospel question. None of us do,” says Lynell, “but I do know that God’s plan is perfect. I believe that we understand a lot less than we think we do. I believe in the continuing restoration spoken of by President Russell M. Nelson. There is more knowledge coming. We don’t have it all figured out. We don’t even know what it is that we don’t know, so how can we say that the information we have about LGBTQ people is all there is going to be? God isn’t lazy and he isn’t going to just leave a bunch of loose ends and unanswered questions with no solutions. He knows what He is doing. He created these kids - they are exceptional kids. I know how to receive revelation for myself and my family, I will continue to do what He asks, the same as I have done all of these years, even if it doesn’t make sense to other people”

“There is a place for everyone. The church is for LGBTQ people, just as much as it is for anyone else. I’m starting to understand why some people don’t feel safe or welcome at church, and I respect those who need to step away. But if you ever worry that you’re not welcome and you do want to be there, we’ve got a spot for you in the pew right next to us! We will always squeeze in to make more room.” 

“Getting to know LGBTQ people & their families is the key to understanding,” says Lynell. “Listen to their experiences. Open your heart to people in real life - watching a gay character on tv or having a gay co-worker (that you’ve never actually spoken to) doesn’t count as knowing LGBTQ people. You can’t hope to understand people if you don’t actually get to know them. It’s not exaggerating to say that many of the best people I know are LGBTQ, and I’m so glad I’m not missing out on that”

“I feel like I’ve actually learned more about how to be Christlike in the past year than I had in all my previous years in the church. I understood the doctrine. I could answer any gospel question. But now I’m learning how to better apply Jesus’ example to how I treat people. If we’re missing that, we’re missing the point,” says John.

You can watch Lynell’s presentation given during the Parents/Family breakout session of Gather Conference 2023 on the Gather Conference Youtube Channel here

*some names have been changed for privacy

Kendall and Wake

Lift+Love Mothers Retreat 2022