When Landon Phillips was an 18-year-old freshman at BYU Provo, he told his parents he was experiencing gender dysphoria. But first, he had to explain to them what that was. This was new territory. Landon was the second oldest child in Monica and James Phillips’ line-up of five kids (Luke – 28, married to Lindee, Landon – now 26, Anya – 22, AJ – 20, and Zach –16). Monica and James grew up in different regions of California and met while attending institute classes as students at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. Raised Catholic in a part-member family, Monica didn’t get baptized until she was in college. She and James married in the Los Angeles temple 30 years ago and raised their family in Orange County, CA. Landon realized he felt different than his peers at a young age, but it wasn’t until he went to college that he finally had the vocabulary and insight to realize he was experiencing gender dysphoria.
In the winter of his freshman year, Landon put in his mission papers. It was while he was waiting for his mission call to arrive that he finally came out to himself. He remembers looking in the mirror and saying to himself for the first time, “I’m transgender.” Being assigned female at birth, Landon had to decide if serving an 18-month mission where he would have to wear dresses daily was something he could manage. He decided he could and considered his dresses his daily missionary uniform. He knew the Lord was in the details when he got to the MTC and received a name badge that said “Soeur Phillips” (pronounced Sir Phillips), which in French means Sister Phillips. Landon served in the French-speaking islands off the coast of Madagascar.
Monica says that during Landon’s mission was the time in their journey that she and her husband “stuck their heads in the sand,” hoping and praying that Landon’s complex feelings might change. As Landon wasn’t out to anyone else yet besides his parents and sister Anya, Monica said that those 15 months were lonely and scary. She had no one to talk to and no trusted resources to turn to.
When Landon returned from his mission, his parents quickly recognized his feelings had not gone away. They took him to LDS social services where he met with one of the only therapists who was considered an LGBTQ specialist. She referred the Phillips to the upcoming North Star conference, and a few short weeks later, Landon and Monica found themselves sitting in a venue with hundreds of other LGBTQ+ individuals who openly shared their experiences of what it was like to navigate their same-sex attraction and gender identity within the framework of the gospel. Monica recalls both she and her son stepping into the elevator at the conference’s conclusion with smiles on their faces, filled with hope for the first time in a long time—thinking they may not have to choose between their faith and Landon’s health. Monica also felt a sharp rebuke from above, imploring her to reexamine her thoughts about LGBTQ people and to consider whether she’d “unintentionally added to their burden.” She remembers feeling, “This is something I needed to learn about because something’s not right here. It was a pivotal moment in my journey.”
After returning from the conference, Landon shared that he didn’t want to have to continue to live in secret in their own home—he was ready to come out to the rest of his siblings. At the time, their youngest was just a fifth grader. Monica put Landon in charge of their family night that week. She loved how Landon was able to share his reality with his siblings, saying, “It was the most beautiful thing to see the acceptance of his siblings; it wasn’t even a problem. They hugged and accepted Landon and went off to bed.”
But Anya lingered behind. With Landon there for support, Anya opened up and shared that she was attracted to women. Monica says Anya remembers the evening a little differently than she does. Monica recalls asking her daughter if she experienced gender dysphoria, too, to which Anya replied no. Monica said, “Oh good, so you’re just gay? We can handle this then,” which she now recognizes as “not my proudest mom moment.” Monica says, “At the time, I could not imagine navigating anything harder than gender dysphoria in the church. But now, I recognize they’re different, but equally tough to navigate.” Anya was 17 when she came out to her parents, but did not publicly come out until a few years later.
Not long after Anya’s announcement, Landon had decided to begin socially transitioning and the Phillips announced they’d be moving to Mesa, AZ. While their “extremely loving, supportive, and kind ward and stake” in Orange lamented their move, worried they might not find the same support elsewhere for Landon who they’d all loved since birth, Landon was looking forward to starting fresh in a new environment with his new name and pronouns. While Monica acknowledges some of Anya’s story coming out as lesbian gets overshadowed by the complexities of Landon’s experience with gender dysphoria, she marvels at her daughter’s strength and the extremely tight bond the two siblings share.
Anya has since finished her associate degree in floral design. Now, she and Landon are roommates (with another transgender friend), and the brother and sister work in different departments at a floral wholesale business in Mesa. All five of the Phillips kids have stepped away from the church for various reasons, but Monica appreciates how they still support their parents’ activity. Monica believes that families need to “stick together,” feeling that “Our Heavenly Father put us together to do life and that’s what we’re going to do. That includes the good, the bad and everything in between. We love our kids and honor their agency. We want our kids to honor our agency as well, which they do.” Regarding her children’s paths that have led them outside the church, Monica says that as she converted at age 21, she feels, “I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t allow them their own journey for their own growth. We’ve had mutual respect in that area.”
The Phillips family has become involved in the political scene on a small scale, as they spoke out last year in favor of equality and fairness for all as part of a coalition that has advocated both in Washington DC and Arizona—the same coalition the church showed support for, equally seeking religious freedom. The Phillips attended a VIP tour of the DC temple with a bevy of religious leaders and LGBTQ advocacy groups, and one thing that stood out to Monica was when Elder Gordon Smith, then a member of the 70, encouraged all of them to “keep up their ministries.” She says, “I loved how he was talking to me as a parent, as well as to a Jewish rabbi, and to a representative from the Trevor Project. Every individual there had an important role in a ministry to love and respect others and to create rights for as many humans as we can. It felt validating to have a church leader consider what I do a ministry.” Monica and James were both able to meet with the White House’s representatives over LGBTQ and religion, who they say were moved to tears seeing religious parents advocating for their LGBTQ children’s rights. At that time, Landon, who worked with the Equality and Fairness for All Coalition, would take various sets of parents (many who were LDS) of LGBTQ+ kids on tours to legislators’ offices to share their stories and why they needed and deserved equal rights. “This whole thing has taken us on an adventure, doing things we’ve never dreamed we’d do. We never imagined our life would be like this. I’ve met the most amazing people,” says Monica.
Landon’s story took a different turn last Christmas when his mom bought him a Nebula Deep Dive DNA kit after Landon said it might be fun to try. While the tests returned all types of health-related results, it was the gender finding that most shocked the Phillips: Landon’s test showed he had XY (male) chromosomes and an intersex condition. They consulted with a friend who is a doctor and who also happens to be intersex, who helped them decipher the results and check the genes affiliated with sexual development. (The Phillips family explains more about their genetic testing experience on the recent episode #673 of Richard Ostler’s Listen, Learn and Love.) Monica acknowledges that they were excited to find a cause that explains Landon’s experience with gender dysphoria, but that they didn’t need to have this piece of information for Landon’s transgender experience to be valid.
Monica currently serves on the board of directors at North Star, representing parents and the transgender community. Monica and James recently gave a presentation on gender identity, geared towards church leaders. They shared how we can improve our ministry and create spaces of belonging through increased understanding.
As they reflect on their journey, Monica says they’d like people to know, “Families can navigate this together with love. Over the years, I have sat with many parents who are trying to figure out how to stay true to doctrines and teachings and also love their kids – it’s an inner wrestle. I encourage parents to stay in the wrestle until they find the way. Heavenly Father will make that possible.”
Monica and James both agree that their journey with their LGBTQ kids has expanded their faith in beautiful ways. “We thought we knew what it meant to love, to mourn with those who mourn, and to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, but we realized how much room we had to grow. We feel like we’ve leveled up in these areas. If we could, we’d take all the pain and heartache away from our kids, but we wouldn’t change anything for ourselves. We love who we are becoming and feel like we have become better disciples of Jesus Christ.”
