Few can claim the privilege of having a husband-in-law. The very label makes you think: how does that work? But for Matt and Jessica Frew, and Jessica’s ex-husband, Steve Stoddard, it’s not only their relationship, but their brand. The trio have made the best of a complex situation since Steve came out to Jessica as gay shortly after they married 17 years ago. They later divorced and now happily co-parent their daughter Penny, along with Jessica’s new husband, Matt. Somehow, they have made it work -- so much so that they now offer their advice, inside jokes, and positive energy to others in similar situations via their @husband_in_love podcast.
But this modern family’s story first started with a love story back when Jessica and Steve met in college. Steve had shown up to a concert with ten other girls, but wound up separating from them to sit by Jessica. The two hit it off instantly, went out the next day, and were inseparable right up to their marriage just ten months later. Steve was a returned missionary, the two married in the temple, and together, “strived to keep the commandments and do all those things we were raised to believe and that were close to our heart,” says Jess. They had an intense closeness, sharing everything with each other. Shortly before their marriage, Steve opened up to Jess about how he had struggled with pornography since age 10. While a difficult topic, Jess appreciated how this conversation set the tone for their relationship – that they could be honest about everything and still love each other. Six months later, porn started popping up on their home computer; but it was all gay porn. This was the first time Jess realized Steve might be gay. When he got home from work that day, Jess asked a tough question. Still in extreme denial at the time, Steve said, “No, I’m not gay. I just always thought it was more appropriate to look at men than women, so I don’t disrespect women.”
Steve was in therapy at the time for various reasons, and it was his counselor who helped him process that the real issue he was facing is that he was actually gay. Steve finally acknowledged it, and together with Jess and the help of some church-based support resources and therapy, they decided to work to stay married. They were still close, happy, and working toward their mutual goal to become parents. Jess and Steve stayed together another five years after Steve came out, in which time their daughter, Penny, was born. They maintained the same honesty they always had, though Jess recalls, “It wasn’t always easy. He had lots to work through. The fact Steve had shared this most vulnerable part of himself (and the shame and guilt he felt around his true identity against what he’d been taught) helped us connect on so many levels. He was conflicted about himself, what he wanted, and it was hard for him to view himself as a good person. I helped him to reframe how he thought about this – that he was still the wonderful person I loved. This didn’t define him, or take away from his worth. Instead, it increased who he was – it added value of who God created him to be. But it wasn’t easy.”
Shortly before their daughter turned two, Jess went away for the weekend. When she came home, she knew in her gut Steve had had an affair. At first, she felt compelled to search his phone for proof but while scrolling, she froze and thought: “What am I doing? If something has happened, he’ll tell me.” Instead, she went to the temple, and later that night in bed told him, “Steve, I can tell something’s not right. I apologize that I started to go through your phone. But I want to trust that you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” Steve flipped on the light and confessed. He’d had an affair with a man he was still in communication with – a man who had encouraged Steve to stay with his wife once he found out he was married, because having a wife and a child was something this man had always wanted for himself. Jessica and Steve took some time to sort through their new reality. After leaving to spend two weeks away at a friend’s house to think, Jess returned to Oklahoma, where she and Steve had recently moved. She told Steve she had come to terms with getting divorced. She packed her things and returned with Penny to Boise, ID, where they still owned a home. But before leaving, Jess and Steve went to dinner with the man with whom he’d had an affair. Jess says, “I wanted to get to know him, the man who would support him. I needed that. Our lives had both just drastically changed, and we needed time and space to heal. And support.” Jessica ended up really liking the guy, and it gave her comfort to know they could make the space to welcome new relationships as they navigated co-parenting Penny with the back-and-forth between Idaho and Oklahoma.
Eventually, Steve also returned to Idaho to be closer to family, including Jessica’s parents, who still treated him like their own. He took up mountain biking with a group of friends, including a guy named Matt Frew -- a guy who he quickly suspected his ex-wife might like to meet. Sure enough, one week later, Jess said, “I’m going to marry Matt Frew.” This declaration may have included an aggressive nine-month pursuit on Jess’s part in which Matt was dating a different Jessica. But ultimately, Jess won Matt’s heart. Two months after their first date, they were married. Matt brought two kids from a prior relationship into the blend, which now also Includes frequent visits and pool parties, birthday parties, and holidays with Steve and his new (adored by all) partner, who live about a mile away. If that wasn’t quite close enough, Steve and Matt also see each other on the daily as Steve is a manager at the shipping company Matt owns. On occasion, they even take their daughters on double dates.
As their family dynamic has shifted and grown, the closeness Steve and Jess always enjoyed remains, but now feels more like a “sibling-like” bond, says Jess. “We still have struggles, but there is a way for us to love and support each other. It looks so different than 17 years ago when we got married. But this has all opened my heart and eyes to see the expanse of love. How far it can go, how inclusive it is. There’s so much we don’t understand about love, but there’s enough to go around.”
As they have worked hard together to strengthen their own family structure, Jess, Steve, and Matt have found immense reward in now helping others who similarly find themselves in an alternate family dynamic. They teach strategies for rethinking and reworking the lives of those involved when a partner comes out, through their coaching program @theboldlogic. Jess, who still attends the LDS church with Matt and kids, says, “I had never seen a family like ours before. And Steve always says if he had been able to listen to a podcast with story like ours, it would have given him more hope.” While Steve shares his perspectives as a gay man formerly in a mixed orientation marriage, Jess specializes in helping the spouse who is left behind – and often overlooked -- in the wake of the celebration and focus on the freshly out LGBTQ partner. She believes, “If we can do the work on ourselves, then we can help the gay spouse/ex to be who they are -- and both support each other. Whether you stay together or not, there’s a mourning that you’ve lost the relationship you thought you’d have. I help women process those emotions so you can have best relationship you can. So we can all support our LGBTQ fellow brother and sisters.”
Penny has known since age 3 that her dad is gay, and has always loved him for who he is – which Jess says helps Penny in turn love herself. Jess says, “I teach her that God created people how they are for a reason. There is nothing wrong with identifying as an LGBTQ person. It’s a blessing for my daughter to be able to understand to love others. That’s what our Heavenly Parents sent us down here to do.”
Through her unique experience, Jess has come to appreciate that, “All families are valid. There’s no right or wrong way to be a family. They come in all shapes and sizes. The real importance is that we love each other. It just comes down to that -- love and acceptance. I firmly believe that’s all our Heavenly Parents want for us – to know that no matter what, our family loves us.”
