There are many things Liz McEwen knows about herself: that she is madly in love with her
husband, Jason. She adores her kids, Scarlett – 5, and Leo – 3. And that she has found
tremendous relief since last summer when she came out publicly as bisexual. One added
nugget that has helped Liz adapt since she first realized this unique part of herself decades ago:
Liz knows she was created by Heavenly Parents who fully understand and love her for who she
is.
That doesn’t mean it’s always been easy.
Liz grew up in Idaho Falls, ID, which she describes as a “mini Provo: very conservative and very
LDS.” She recalls knowing as young as eight years old that while other friends entered puberty
and developed crushes on a boy or girl, she was attracted to both boys and girls. In the 90s, she
felt the reality of a less enlightened generation and social norms and remembers hearing
countless anti-LGTBQ slurs, jokes, and teachings – even in her own home. “It was normal to
hear bad things said about queer people.”
Like most kids, Liz explored different romantic experiences as a tween and teen – with boys and
girls alike, and she remembers feeling so scared. “I would lie down at night and look up at the
lace canopy over my bed and imagine it being on fire because I thought I was going to hell. Gay
people were bad, according to everyone I knew. As a result of these beliefs, I had many mental
health issues due to the stress. And I had no one to talk to.”
She made an appointment to confide in her bishop at one point. She remembers him as a kind
and understanding man, but he let her know her attractions and relationships with girls were
wrong. So Liz went back into the closet and carried her thoughts silently in shame for many
years.
Liz chose to pursue relationships with men and fell in love with Jason, her husband of ten years.
On the 4th of July, the two met at a party hosted by one of Liz’s roommates. Literal and
figurative fireworks were present that night, and Liz and Jason fell for each other. Liz describes
their marriage as a happy one, and she was honest with Jason from the beginning of their union
about her bisexuality. It was a relief that she could be completely open about the reality and
trauma she had been carrying alone. She appreciates how kind and understanding Jason was
from the start: “more so than I was,” says Liz, who began working with a licensed professional
counselor who helped her work through some of the internalized homophobia she had accrued
since childhood. “The more I learned, the more I realized how badly this was eating me up
inside – the secrecy and guilt and shame of it all.”
The progress Liz has found through counseling inspired her to become one herself, and she is
now pursuing her master’s degree in clinical mental health. As she has continued to study
LGBTQ issues, Liz has come to more fully understand the trauma many face, especially in a
religious context. She looks forward to soon helping others who’ve experienced a similar path
find peace with who they are. In the meantime, Liz encourages anyone struggling with their
mental health for similar reasons “to pray to Heavenly Father and ask what He thinks about
you. And get some professional help, too – especially if you have overwhelming thoughts of
suicide. I promise there is love and support out there.”
Looking at Liz’s family photo, some may wonder, wouldn’t it be easier to keep this part of you
away from the public eye? But many in the know, including Liz, have found tremendous relief
and healing from authenticity, both at home and beyond. After opening up about this part of
her in her marriage, Liz says, “For Jason and I, I’m not sure it changed anything for us. I’m
attracted to him and vice versa. We both know the truth of who the other is, and it is freeing. If
I struggle or hear hurtful comments at church, now I can talk more freely about it. Keeping that
secret to yourself, is REALLY difficult. It’s such a big part of who you are – I like being able to
share all of me with my husband, and he feels the same.”
And since she came out publicly on Facebook last summer, Liz says many women – including
some married to men – have in turn confided in her that they face the same reality of being bi.
“It feels like a big heavy burden they’re keeping, too, and just being able to talk about it helps.”
But it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. Liz has also faced disappointment and rejection
from many in her inner circle. Even her parents have made it clear that they do not understand
or support Liz’s reality and infer she’s been brainwashed by her educational pursuits. And
things did not get easier for Liz when after coming out last July, she (like many in this space) felt
betrayed by Elder Holland’s August address to BYU faculty. Liz says, “I felt like his talk paid lip
service to how much they love people in the LGBTQ community, and then said, ‘But don’t love
them too much. Don’t advocate for anybody.’ So I don’t know where I stand with the church
right now. Part of me loves a lot of the teachings – about eternal families and serving your
community. But I have a hard time reconciling the good things with hurtful things.”
Liz says her future hopes for the church’s treatment of queer members are not high as “there is
a lot of entrenched thinking about how things should be and what’s true and what isn’t.” She
wonders if some people hold so tightly to some of their “traditional family” ideals because
having to grapple with the cognitive dissonance of what LGBTQ people go through is too
difficult. So she realigns her focus: “What I’m doing, for me, is just working on my relationship
with God and being there for others in this community. Because that’s the only real control
anyone who’s a member and has these nuanced beliefs can do. If me staying and being there
for one queer person makes a difference, that’ll be good enough.”
Luckily, in her hometown of Parker, CO, Liz has been met with love by local leadership since she
came out. Her bishop immediately reached out, wanting to know what he could do for queer
people in general, and what helpful resources are already available -- a gesture that meant a lot
to Liz. “I’ve decided the church is true in my ward,” Liz laughs. “And Jason’s made it very clear
that even if they excommunicate me, he’s still with me. But I’m not sure what my future will
look like in the church. All I know is God loves me. He loves all queer people. I hope someday
the church can see that as well.”
