As TV chef and food blogger @charlotte.shares, Charlotte Hancey is known and loved for sharing her “bold Texas taste” culinary delights with the world. She’s now also thrilled to publicly share her love and support for her 19-year-old son, Ethan, who recently joined her in an Instagram post in which she came out as the mother of a gay son. As Ethan is Charlotte’s firstborn, fellow in-house foodie, and favorite mouth to feed, it felt natural that they would also share this side-by-side.
But first, let’s rewind to December 10, 2020 -- an otherwise normal day in the Hancey’s North Ogden, UT home. Charlotte had two on-air cooking segments for Good Things Utah the following day, so the family knew that was their cue to stay out of the kitchen wherein frazzled, she prepped. Only, Ethan entered and said, “Mom, I need to talk to you and dad.” “Can it wait?” she replied. But there was something about his “I guess” coupled with the look in his eyes that jolted Charlotte’s heart. It was time to put on a different apron. She left the room with him to have a conversation – one she felt she had quietly (and gratefully) been prepared for for years.
Behind the closed door of his parents’ bedroom, Ethan shared his journey of discovering his truth over the years. Charlotte and her husband Ben embraced their son and cried with him. “No other option or feeling came to us. Just lots of love.” Charlotte says there had been many moments since Ethan was 12 that made them wonder if their son might be gay. Together, the couple would talk and conclude, “No, no…” but they still privately wondered, so it wasn’t a huge shock.
The family love fest continued as over the Christmas holidays, Ethan rallied his nerves to tell his two youngest sisters, Clara – 16, and Meredith – 14 -- who mean the world to him. They, too, embraced him, cried with him, and said it would all be okay. Ethan’s relief was immediate and all-encompassing as he now realized he had the full support of his family and his closest friends, who he’d already told. Charlotte recalls the depth of his exhale: “At that moment, all his people loved him, and knowing this, perhaps loved him even more. The love in that room was tangible – one of the most beautiful moments we’ve experienced as a family.”
This moment came at the culmination of 2020, a hard year for the world, and in particular the Hanceys as it had also included a seven-month overseas deployment for Ben, who serves in the Air Force. And now at year’s end, Charlotte found herself sorting through a new transition. “While we were fully on board, it still felt like a death in a way. I had to let go of this dream, and all these ideas I had for his future – marrying a woman in a temple marriage, having biological kids with a spouse. I think it’s okay to feel sadness in incidents like this – like I’d feel sad when a child moves out, goes on a mission, or gets married – just sad at the change or transition it is. As a parent, you just don’t want your kid’s life to be hard.” Charlotte recalls her own traumatic upbringing, having experienced a difficult childhood herself. “I had always fought so hard for my kids to not have to go through that. Even though I know they’ll all have hard times.”
Charlotte describes Ethan as the sweetest, kindest, most empathetic, warm, and wonderful person. The thought of the church and world being against him just felt like too much at times. She feels grateful to have had Ben on board with her, internally processing all the same emotions and fears. Typically known for being an outspoken, open book who wears her heart on her sleeve, during those early months, Charlotte found herself closing up, unsure how to talk to anyone. And she certainly didn’t feel ready to come out of the gates with this new information to her social media audience. She was told by a wise friend, “You will know when it’s time.” She’s grateful several trusted family members and friends were there for her, and connected her to a network of other LGBTQ moms, including those at Lift and Love. “It was a God thing the way the connections happened.” She also took comfort in finding and devouring Charlie Bird’s book, A Walk in My Shoes -- which she now widely recommends.
Since his coming out, there’s “a new light in Ethan’s eyes. He’s thriving.” Highly artistic and musical by nature, Ethan’s now applying his talents to the graphic design program at UVU in Provo, UT. “He’s always been the sweetest kid, and now he’s sharing more of his true personality. He just got his ears pierced, and I love it. He’s coming out of his shell and it’s beautiful to see.” Charlotte continues, “One thing I’ve reiterated over and over is every person is born with worth. You don’t have to earn it. We need to live our lives so we can see it for ourselves. To live worthy of happiness and love, and recognizing that worth in others, is life changing. This experience has increased my capacity to love everybody.”
Regarding Ethan’s future, Charlotte wants him to feel happy and worthy of love: “not just from a romantic point of view, but from everybody – family, friends, those he meets. I want him to feel he has a place in this world and can contribute to it. Where he can love people and feel loved back.”
Ethan no longer feels there’s a healthy place for him at church and does not attend, but Charlotte says he supports them still going. She personally feels more reasons to stay and be a voice for him than leave. “I’m there to speak up. I want families like ours to be able to feel completely comfortable going to church, and not have to brace ourselves for comments that might be said. I feel like the culture and doctrine can get mixed up a lot when it comes to loving and accepting. I feel like we should focus more on what God and Christ did – and what did they do? Love unconditionally.”
By sharing their story, both online and with those whose paths they cross, Charlotte feels she is closer to fulfilling her life’s purpose. “Over the last year, I’ve realized there are a lot of things in our lives we’re afraid to talk about. For years, I was scared to talk about my childhood, but the more I talk about that or this, it brings human connection. We shouldn’t be afraid to share hard things. Since Ethan came out, people have come out of the woodwork to also share with me that their children are gay. And talking and sharing brings people together. Human stories connect us and help us feel seen, worthy, and loved.”
This kind of connection is a gift Charlotte has cherished since that night in December of 2020 when Ethan first shared this part of his story with her. The next day, she boldly carried her culinary perfections into Good Things Utah along with a new ingredient: she was now the proud mom of a gay son. Charlotte walked right up to a host who had become a good friend. Knowing already she was a loving ally, Charlotte whispered her news about Ethan, and melted into the huge hug of support she received in return. Being able to share it this way just felt right.
