Like many mothers of LGBTQ kids, Carey Baldwin’s path to allyship was prompted long before her daughter, Millie, ever raised the topic of her own sexual orientation. When she first met Lift & Love founder (and now friend, Allison Dayton), Carey had to agree with her notion: “Isn’t it amazing how God gives you a runway?”
About four years ago, a series of experiences cracked open Carey’s heart to the LGBTQ community. She witnessed a handful of people in her orbit face complex situations with their LGBTQ loved ones, from a trans person being denied the opportunity to be baptized, to multiple friends grappling with their LGBTQ children’s mental health and suicidal behavior. She says, “The hardest part was seeing how everyone seemed to know what was going on, but no one said anything. Why do these young people feel like they have to leave our LDS community and make it on their own – or take their lives?” Around this time, Carey heard the statistic about how LGBTQ youth who have at least one supportive adult in their life are 40% less likely to attempt suicide. At that moment, Carey decided, “I have to be that person. Anyone who knows me has to know how I feel about LGBTQ. That I love them.” But at first, she wasn’t sure exactly how to go about it.
Carey saw J. Kirk Richard’s painting “Jesus Said Love Everyone” online and considered the influx of youth and young adults who frequented her own home as a mother of four and wife of a bishop. She decided to make her home an obvious safe space, and acquired and hung the painting. She also posted a picture of the painting on social media. This caught the attention of a friend whose child had just come out. Her friend mentioned the loneliness and isolation she was feeling, and the two started taking regular walks for hours around a lake, where they’d talk through everything and strategize how they could do better. It was the beginning of 2020’s COVID quarantine, and with more time on their hands, they decided to start an LGBTQ study group and dive into whatever resources they could find for LDS people trying to be better allies. They followed the lead of Questions from the Closet podcast co-host, Charlie Bird, and started reading the Book of Mormon from the lens of an LGBTQ person/ally.
Word slowly spread about their study group, and eventually it turned into a regular Zoom meeting with a growing number of friends. Carey says, “I have learned more from the scriptures in the past couple years studying with this group than I ever have before… It’s definitely a sacred space for me.” Carey felt a warmth inside her the day her Minnesota stake president got up in stake conference and, while sharing successes in their church community, included the fact that they have an LGBTQ Book of Mormon study group. Hearing this, some gay members in attendance then joined the group, which still continues via Zoom and in-person today. As people gradually returned to in-person church, Carey made sure to show up to church gatherings wearing her rainbow pin, and trying to be the best ally she could.
Shortly before the Baldwin's oldest daughter, Ella, was to be married in the temple, Carey remembers popping into Millie’s room one night to say prayers with her. While the two were talking about the wedding, Millie casually said, “You know, I don’t know if I’ll get married in the temple.” When her mother asked her why not, Millie replied, “Well, not everyone can get married there – like people who are LGBTQ can’t.” Carey remembers agreeing that was unfortunate, but didn’t ask more. She assumed this was just the social justice side of Millie speaking – a side that’s always been very much alive and admired by those who know and love Millie.
“She’s always had a different way of viewing the world than most of her peers,” says Carey. Millie was diagnosed with a visual processing disorder that has made the traditional learning environment challenging. Because of this, Carey spent a lot of time with her youngest over the years as they sought the proper therapy and resources to be successful in a school setting. She has learned to advocate for herself and has overcome many learning challenges. Carey now recognizes the gift that Millie has to see the world in a way most people don’t. “Millie’s always been an authentic kid – she doesn’t conform, she’s just herself. And she cares so much for someone her age – about equality, fairness. It’s fascinating.”
In another bedtime check-in about a year later, Millie said, “Mom, I’m just going to tell you I’m bisexual.” Carey remembers feeling so grateful she had immersed herself in the resources she had, but still she found herself silencing thoughts like, “You’re too young to start thinking that/you’ve got all this time/why do you need to identify yourself right now?” But in the moment, what she said was, “I love you, and I think you’re awesome.” Millie then left her room to go tell her dad, Scott, who had walked the ally journey alongside Carey, and was also instantly supportive and affirming. So were all of Millie’s siblings, which include Ella (23), Caroline (20) and Calvin (18). Carey says no one seemed phased by this news. And neither is Millie, who “doesn’t find her orientation a big deal.” As Carey has reflected on this moment, she recognizes that what mattered most was being ready to display unconditional love, without hesitation or reservation. She is also trying to leave safe space for Millie to fully understand herself. “I have learned that many youth evolve in how they understand their sexuality as they grow and learn more about themselves,” Carey said. “I wanted Millie to know that she would be fully accepted and loved by me and our family throughout her journey.”
Carey admires her daughter’s bravery and self-confidence, something she does not remember feeling at the same levels at that age. Carey admits sometimes she still feels the same fear creeping up when it comes to her daughter entering a new environment. After many years living in Minnesota, the family made an unexpected move to Denver, CO last summer, and Carey harbored some anxiety knowing they’d be moving to a new, more conservative area. She feels she may have projected some of that anxiety on Millie who she told, “Maybe don’t come right out with it – get to know people first.” Millie requested to meet with a therapist to help her sort some things out in the transition, which turned out to be a great support as Millie entered her new environment. “She is doing great,” smiles Carey.
Her mother assumed Millie might say “peace out” to the church with the new move, but that has not been the case. When Carey asked her if she was fine to keep going, Millie said, “Yeah, for now.” It helps her to know her parents have her back, and will listen and commiserate when certain lessons don’t effectively address her reality. Millie doesn’t lead with her orientation, but most of the kids know. While their new ward and stake are not quite as LGBTQ-affirming yet as those in Minnesota, Millie says most of her peers don’t feel her identity is a big deal, and she doesn’t understand why her mom “stresses about it so much.”
When they moved, Carey did lead with announcing her own allyship. She showed up the first Sunday at church wearing a rainbow dress and pin, and now laughs, “I may have scared a few people.” But her actions attracted the attention of her stake RS president, who is also an ally, and this new friend asked her to be the stake inclusion specialist. She also suggested that Carey do a training for the bishops about LGBTQ inclusion. Carey has enjoyed sharing what she has learned and making new friendships with others who are working on their allyship. She just wishes that more church members and leaders would engage so that progress could accelerate. Carey says, “Too often, members and leaders either avoid discussing LGBTQ topics or gravitate to outmoded and incorrect ideas.”
As for Millie, she is thriving in her new environment. An avid theatre and music lover and Harry Styles fan, Millie just starred as the Baker’s Wife in a school production of Into the Woods. Her parents were also impressed that, as the new kid in school, she was recently selected to be part of student government. She has a unique sense of fashion and someday wants to go to fashion school in New York. Carey says, “People really like Millie because she doesn’t put on a front with anyone.”
Carey takes her calling as Millie’s mother and LGBTQ advocate seriously, and advises any parent new to this space to lead with love when it comes to their children. “When they come out, you just tell them that you love them and are there to support them. And give them the biggest hug ever. Be so proud they felt comfortable sharing that with you – they’ve thought about it a long time. Give them as much grace and love as you can.”
She thinks back to the day she first bravely posted on Instagram the beautiful painting of the Savior with rainbow robes by J. Kirk Richards, and the friend who reached out to her seeking a supportive person to talk to. Now Carey and her friend realize that having that experience changed both of their lives for the better as they have learned to become allies who are committed to supporting their children and to staying in the church they love – for them, these are not mutually exclusive notions. And they have an LGBTQ study group to prove it.
Carey concludes, “The church should not be a painful place for people to be. That’s so counterintuitive to the radical love the Savior showed – and we are supposed to be like Him. No one should feel pain while worshiping Jesus. Only love.”
