Looking back, there were several incidents over the years that prepared Jason and Natalie Conforto for that late night just before their oldest son Jamison’s 18th birthday in which he would come into their room and reveal that he was gay. But nothing prepared them for his subsequent admission that he had packed his bags and was prepared to leave their home if they felt it was necessary. “That just broke our hearts -- that he would think that his being gay would make it so he didn’t have a place in our family. It was painful,” says Jason.
Of course, the Confortos didn’t kick their son out. Instead, they reassured Jamison he was a valued part of their family and would be forever, and that they loved and supported everything about him. But their son’s fear led Jason and his wife on a deep dive to see what in their past they might have said or done to make their son think this might even be a possibility. That probe has led them now to make it very clear where they stand both as faithful members of their LDS faith and visible allies and supporters of the LGBTQ community in West Jordan, UT, where they’ve raised their five kids (Jamison – 20, Lucy – 18, Bella – 16, Aria – 14, and Monte – 12).
Jamison’s journey in coming out has in some ways paralleled his father’s journey in coming to understand LGBTQ issues in a meaningful way over the past two decades. When Jamison was just a toddler, Jason and Natalie recall wondering if their son might be gay, reflecting on his affinity for traditionally female things – singing, dancing, princesses. Natalie felt it was her duty to teach the Proclamation and gender roles often. While they never punished him for the things he enjoyed, Jason tried (mostly vainly) to interest his son in Batman and Star Wars, and Natalie thought that gentle guidance would help Jamison "choose" a traditionally masculine path. Instead, Jamison learned to mask his sexuality and retreat into himself. Natalie saw his unhappiness, and started to understand that her son's feelings were not a choice, but his nature. Jamison and his parents were all acting out of love, but Jamison was suffering as he hid.
For many years, Jason also served as a home teacher to a young man named Sam who was gay and had left the church. At first, Sam was resistant to a home teacher and even tried to shock Jason with stories of his relationships and activities, but Jason offered a consistent, nonjudgmental friendship for years that continues to this day. In fact, this month Jason and Natalie joined Sam and his husband Derek for Salt Lake’s Pride festival, and the Confortos were touched when Sam and Derek went out of their way to ride SLC’s Trax system all the way to West Jordan to pick up Jason and Natalie, then back again downtown by their home, just so they wouldn’t get lost. Jason says this important friendship has redefined the concept of the new ministering program, as Jason now emphasizes that you don’t need a calling to befriend someone, whether in or out of your ward boundaries.
When Jamison was still in high school, Jason, a filmmaker, produced the feature documentary Dog Valley, which followed the horrific torture, rape and murder of a young gay man named Gordon Church in Cedar City in the ‘80s. This was a harrowing experience to spend so much time with, but Jason felt it an important story to be told, even before knowing his own son was gay. Two years later, around the time Jamison came out, he told his parents he wanted to attend Southern Utah University in Cedar City. Jason said things got real when as a father, he moved his son into his dorm that was just a block away from where Gordon Church had been abducted. Jason says, “I’m really grateful that we live in a different world now, in terms of safety, for the most part. Things aren’t perfect for our LGBTQ loved ones, especially in terms of mental health, but things are getting better.”
Jamison just completed his junior year at SUU, where he is focusing on writing and film. His father says he is a natural, gifted writer. Jamison is currently studying abroad in London, and his artistic portfolio includes a handful of fantasy books, a literary memoir about his experience of coming out and entering the dating world, and freelance film work including a video about belonging and inclusion that he worked on with his father, as well as several animated music videos he’s created. Jamison is surrounded by a loving network of family and friends. Following the night he came out to his parents, Jamison came out publicly on social media, and his parents followed his lead the next day. Jason says all three posts received nothing but beautiful, positive, loving comments from friends and family.
But to the one relative who asked Jason, “Why do they have to come out?”, Jason offered this as a reply: “Jamison knows you loved the person he was pretending to be. Now he needs to know we actually love the person he is.” Jason continues, “I can’t imagine having to fear whether anyone in the world loves you. Jamison even struggled wondering if God loved him, and felt isolated from God. Such a painful thing to imagine.” Jason feels his son would still be active in the church if there was a healthy place for him. While Jason and Natalie are active LDS members, they feel there’s a lot of work to do to break down some of the hypocrisy they see. Jason feels there is way too much emphasis on whether LGBTQ people are keeping the law of chastity. “I try to change the focus to, are we keeping our covenants to love each other? Including loving LGBTQ individuals? Frankly, we’re not. If someone wants to make and keep covenants of chastity, that’s between them and the Lord. Our business is, are we just loving them?”
Instead of leaving the faith they love, Jason and Natalie have chosen to try to lift where they stand and look to Jesus Christ's example of love. They believe the Lord sent them their special son as part of His plan to teach us all to love better, and they try not to condemn others while their own understanding is still developing. When people make insensitive comments, Natalie remembers (with a stab), "I used to feel that way!" She believes people do their best with the limited understanding they have, and feels that sharing her story can help others grow. Natalie says, "Not everyone got to have an in-home tutor for the past twenty years, but each of our lives have taught different lessons. We need each other, and we need Jesus to show us why."
While Jamison is now out of the house as a college student, the couple now hosts a monthly group seeking to bridge understanding and provide support for those in their Pride circle. Shortly after their own son came out, Jason and Natalie realized there were five other LGBTQ teens and young adults just on their street who might benefit from some fellowship. After first notifying parents of minors and circulating their desire to host a monthly gathering, they started an open invite support circle for LGBTQ friends with LDS backgrounds. At first, they tried to operate it as a church-style meeting that included a song, prayer, and thought, but soon after, a few in the space, including their own son, recognized that might be triggering for some. The group became more of a topic-led discussion in which all can share freely, and guest speakers are often invited. Topics have included coming out, family relationships, handling the holidays and family gatherings, dating, and the group has even had a Valentine exchange party and show tune singalong night. The gatherings have grown in popularity and length, and Jason laughs he has on occasion had to tell people it’s time to go home when the clock hit 1am.
Recently, a post he was tagged in made Jason think. It said, “What do you do if you’re a fully committed Christian but your child is gay?” Jason says, “To me, that question is written wrong. It should say, ‘What do I do as a fully committed Christian, but I struggle with my child being gay.’ That’s the only but. That’s what you need to worry about. There is no problem being a Christian and having a gay son and loving him. It’s very easy to do.”
