Seth Marchek was a happy baby. While his mom recalls he was slow to talk, he was good at following directions and loved to be at home. As he grew, Jen says her youngest child was a “super easy child -- very obedient. He easily played by himself, and would sometimes get left behind at places because he was so low maintenance.” Seth loved to sing and dance, making a showtime out of his family’s FHE. Highly coordinated at a young age, he was also skilled at soccer.
Seth’s love for dance and musical theater as well as his super obedient nature continued through middle school, during which time he was very particular about how he dressed for church – tying his own tie by age 10. Jen says, “He was very studious about anything church related – he’d take notes during General Conference and leave post-it note reminders around his room.” Seth single-handedly led his family to read the entire Book of a Mormon as a family during the school year, after which he planned a special celebration, complete with a treat he’d baked at home and brought for his family to eat on the temple hill when they finished. Jen notes he was “100% obedient about praying over meals – even offering thanks publicly at restaurants and in his middle school cafeteria.”
Around the time he turned 15, things changed. Parents Jeff and Jen Marchek recall Seth became extremely moody and argumentative. Unhappy. Depressed. The once diligent Deacon who loved to pass the Sacrament now found excuses not to go to church. While his parents couldn’t determine what was brewing under the surface and guiding Seth’s new behavior, it was during this time that he chose to come out to his older siblings, Kira (now 23) and Zak (20). Both were extremely supportive of their younger brother.
Shortly before Seth turned 16, Jen took the kids to Pieology for pizza one night. She could tell there was a buzz between the three kids throughout dinner that followed them into the car. Once they’d closed the doors, Seth said, “Mom, I have to tell you something. Just listen for a second.” She replied, “Ok...,” to which Seth said, “I’m gay… what do you think?” Jen said she instantly said, “I love you. This doesn’t change anything.”
While Jen didn’t foresee Seth’s news, in looking back, she says she now sees how God prepared her to be the mother of a queer child. Her husband Jeff’s sister is a lesbian and got married around the time of Prop 8. Jen says, “I remember feeling very conflicted at the time, and many of our church friends asked us how we could go her wedding while being members of the church, which was so set against gay marriage. I remember taking this to the Lord in prayer and I was impressed with feelings of love for Mandi and Traci and that they were important and beloved members of not just my family – but God’s family.”
Six months before Seth came out to his parents, Jen was on a business trip to San Francisco, near their Folsom, CA home. She felt a strong impression to look up what the church website said about LGBTQ people. She felt compelled to read everything she could find online. While she was prepared with all of this recent research, when Seth’s news hit her, at first, she was still a bit shocked and scared about what her son’s life might look like. She felt some grief for the picture she had in mind of how his life would unfold, and what her family’s future would look like. Jen knew that the despite the world being more accepting of LGBT folks than ever before, her son’s road would still be hard, and she worried for his safety.
Jen recalls, “In this place of fear and grief and heartbreak, I turned to my Savior in prayer. I prayed to know what to do for Seth, how to help him. What should I say and do? And I was filled with the spirit of an overwhelming message – love him. I had the strongest reassurance that I was chosen to be his mother and show him love like our Savior would love him. And I felt the Spirit witnessing that God loves Seth, too.”
Now 18, Seth is a recent high school graduate who is excited to continue his education this fall at San Francisco State University. He still loves music, playing the ukulele, and performing with a competitive dance company. His parents say his mental health has drastically improved and he is back to being a happy, helpful kid. Jen says, “Seth is kind and thoughtful and respectful of others. The cloud of despair has lifted.”
While Seth is now dating a young man and has maintained a very supportive friend group from high school, Jen regrets he never really had a close friend in the church he could talk to. Seth no longer goes to church, nor do his siblings, though Zak occasionally attends YSA activities. They feel better about avoiding Sunday meetings in solidarity of their brother. Jen is her Folsom ward’s Relief Society president, and she still attends church with Jeff, where she wears a rainbow pin to church. Jen loves how her children have charitable hearts and are all always willing to help her serve anyone in their area who needs it. They often serve the homeless, and help with last minute needs that arise for Jen, who loves how Seth in particular has bonded with one of the “trickiest” ladies in the ward by pet-sitting.
Recently, Jen was asked to teach her ward’s 5th Sunday lesson about how they can be more loving LGBTQ allies. After sharing her own family’s path, Jen encouraged her ward members to pull out their gospel app while she read straight from the source of the importance of learning all you can, and expressing and showing love to LGBTQ loved ones while honoring your own natural feelings that may come as a result of someone close to you coming out. She shared the staggering mental health statistics faced by LGBTQ teens, and importance of creating safe spaces for them. She shared how her heart broke when she learned that her own son had struggled as a youth, feeling if he could just be righteous enough – more perfect in his prayers, scripture reading, and with keeping the commandments, that somehow God would take this way. Then she shared, “But the years went by and it didn’t change. And he felt pain that he didn’t fit in with the gospel plan, especially as told in the Proclamation, which led to pain bubbling up in an angry teen.” She shared the sadness she felt that despite all she had done to show her family they were a place of acceptance, that her son still harbored fear and shame. Jen also shared how she feels the most important reactions people can have when someone comes out are to 1) love them and 2) believe them. In her lesson, she emphasized a point once made by Carol F. McConkie, “The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we have to fix that. We need to be sensitive and love them and allow them the opportunity to grow and to blossom and to be their best selves. They have talents and abilities and personalities that are needed in the kingdom of God.”
Jen concluded her well-received lesson with this testimony: “As I’ve sought to study and learn more about this portion of my journey, I keep being drawn closer and closer to Christ. He is the answer. He is the one who ministered to all of those on the margins, the Samaritans, the tax collector, the woman accused of adultery, the sick and the lepers. I truly know in my heart that Jesus Christ loves all of his children.”
Jen is grateful to participate in a nearby stake’s Learn of Me LGBTQ study group, in which their meetings all include a story from the life and ministry of Jesus Christ: “It is to Him we look.” Of her calling of being Seth’s mom, Jen is grateful that, “It’s a chance to love more, feel the spirit more, and to not be afraid.” And Jen took great comfort at the recent Lift and Love mom’s retreat, where she looked around at the 100+ other women in the room and marveled how she’s not alone in her journey as she strives to keep her faith and walk this path.
