THE COOK FAMILY

As a child, Kelly Cook would often visit her father at his dental practice. She recalls one day when he sat her down to announce that soon she’d notice a familiar patient enter the office who was in the process of transitioning from male to female. He instructed, “We will be respectful and will now be calling this patient by her new name, Mrs. Johnson.” That was the end of the discussion. Similarly, Kelly witnessed the longtime friendship of her mother, Ruth, and her gay hairdresser, Michael. On the last day of her life, Ruth welcomed Michael and his daughter, Mia, into her hospice care room to do her hair for the last time. Michael was like a son to Ruth, and she commented on what wonderful husbands and fathers both he and his partner were. Michael replied, “Ruth, what will I do without our walks, talks, and visits to each other's homes?” In their lifetime, Kelly’s parents served as mission presidents and as the Oakland Temple President and Matron, but it was these examples of love that would prove to be the most impactful in Kelly’s life. She journaled the details of her mom’s last visit with Michael, not knowing at the time how it was helping to prepare her for the day four years later when she would be called upon to show love and support when her own son came out.

Nick (23) is the firstborn child of Kelly and Rich Cook, who met and fell in love at BYU. Soon, the girls followed: Ruthie – now 21, Caroline -18, and Hazel -14. Kelly remembers how as a young boy, Nick would go to preschool, find the sparkly slippers, and jump into his favorite fire engine to tour the playground. He loved to play with My Little Ponies, climb trees and door jams, watch Mulan, and play sports with his friends. To this day, the Environmental Studies and Sustainability student enjoys the outdoors, and Nick looks forward to graduating next year from the University of Utah. Kelly describes her son Nick as forgiving, patient, a great listener, champion of the underdog, and her child who would become so concerned if someone waved to her and she didn’t see it, that he would give her a nudge: “Mom, so and so said hello and you need to say ‘hi’.” His sisters appreciate how Nick always knows the right way to be there for others, whether they need to laugh or cry. They all love how he includes an “I love you” with every good-bye.

In middle school, Kelly remembers a conversation in which Nick was trying to sort through his complicated feelings. He wondered if he was bi, and mainly dated girls until his senior year when he met his first boyfriend. He then told his mom he knew he was gay. This changed nothing for Rich and Kelly, and Nick was equally embraced with love by his siblings. Caroline simply asked her parents, “Is that why Nick hasn’t been coming to church lately?” She then told her brother, “It doesn’t make me love you any less.” They feel incredibly lucky to have him as part of their family and also to have the support of extended family members on both sides who are open to learning, growing, and accepting anyone who Nick loves.

While Nick always felt loved by his family, there were certainly struggles along the way. His parents initially didn’t want him to come out or date a guy publicly out of protection for him, and they feared what his sisters might think, or how it might look to their community and ward -- all fears proved wrong. Nick ended up going to his senior prom with his boyfriend, Mischa. Kelly remembers, “I was a nervous wreck the day he wanted to ask him. I had a headache, and by accident, ended up taking a Tylenol PM, which was probably a blessing.” When Kelly awoke and asked Nick later that night how he was feeling, he said, “I’ve thought about what asking him to prom would look like, what taking pictures beforehand and the bus ride and dancing together will feel like, and I’m not scared at all.” His calm helped Kelly process her own fears, which were quickly resolved... (cont’d in comments)

The family lived in Palo Alto, CA at the time, and Kelly is so grateful her son had “the best friends,” both in and out of the church, who showed Nick support. Mischa will always hold a significant role in the Cook family’s life, as it was through their relationship that Kelly really understood that love is love and that Nick’s would be no different than any of her other children’s relationships. Sadly, while studying abroad in Spain while a student at Stanford, Mischa died in a freak fall from a cliffside a couple years ago. The devastating accident broke the Cooks’ hearts but also led to some tender experiences in which it was confirmed that God and those who live with Him are all around us still.

“We have been incredibly lucky when it comes to church leaders ever since Nick has come out. We’ve been met with love and acceptance from both bishops and stake presidents,” says Kelly, whose family now resides in Park City, Utah. One church leader who knows Nick’s journey told the Cooks, “Nick will probably marry a man someday, and he probably should.” Kelly loves how this made their family feel seen and understood. Of her unwavering support for her children’s paths, Kelly says, “We encourage all of our children to look to God for answers and let our Heavenly Parents guide them. I realize that Nick’s relationship to God is complex, but I leave that relationship to him. I want what Nick wants for himself and I’m here for all of the feelings associated with that.”

Trusting the spirit has led to many life-saving conversations with Nick through some very dark times that ultimately allowed Nick to catch glimpses of his divine eternal worth to God. Kelly appreciates how she’s been allowed to be a conduit to the Lord’s love for one of His precious children. She learned early on in their journey that the outcome is not something she needs to worry about for her children. When Nick first came out as bisexual, Kelly felt confused and anxious about what that meant. “I felt ignorant to this term and wanted a more concrete label for him, so I could better understand who and where he was. Would he end up with a man or a woman?” Ultimately, she learned that whatever the outcome was would be a beautiful thing, if the process had been nurtured in love along the way.

Kelly dreams “of a church space that openly welcomes all our LGBTQ loved ones exactly as they want to show up, just as we do for other individuals – whether it’s someone who’s questioning, who chooses to be single, or in a same-sex relationship - married or not. Let’s consider who’s not with us at any given time. Why are those who are LGBTQ not with us? Why are single or other individuals not as active? We need to start asking ourselves these questions, but more importantly ask THEM why they don’t feel encircled in acceptance from a Christian population that has the capacity and ability to do so. We also need to take accountability for the tremendous pain and even the lives lost over damaging policies that have been and continue to be in place.” Kelly believes that it’s God’s plan for His followers to enfold and include, not to sift out, divide, or exclude. “This gospel is big enough and expansive enough for ALL of us, exactly as we want to show up.”

The Cook family vows to use their voices to speak up and speak out when they hear disparaging or damaging comments about others as they work to make safe spaces within the church and elsewhere for their beloved LGBTQ friends and family members. Kelly’s grateful for these opportunities to champion others and grow in empathy for all who don’t fit the traditional LDS mold. As for her family’s future, Kelly says, “I don’t worry about the eternities. God is all-merciful and eager to bestow all that He has upon His children. He knows our hearts and minds perfectly and knows that this life is often complex and painful. His love will cover all things and situations. I feel perfectly confident in that.”

THE HANSEN FAMILY

Once upon a time, you “get married and have kids and think it’s all going to be great,” laughs Donna Hansen, reflecting on the starry-eyed newlywed she used to be. But it hasn’t always been sunshine and roses for Donna’s family of five, which includes husband Chris and sons Cole (20), Clayton (24), and their first-born, Calvin – who would be 26, but passed away in a tragic car accident at age 13. The trials, detours, and now rainbows the Hansen’s have encountered have only helped to put everything in perspective and make their family stronger.

“I’m not losing another grandkid,” was the response of Donna’s father, who they were most reluctant to tell after Clayton came out to his parents during his freshman year at Snow College. And indeed, his beloved grandpa quickly joined the whole family in embracing Clayton as well as his news. According to Donna, Clayton’s always been easy to love. “He was this cute, blue-eyed, blonde-haired little boy who batted his eyelashes and got whatever he wanted.” In high school, she wondered if he might be gay, but when she asked, he shrugged it off: “No mom, I’m fine, leave me alone.”

“At the time, I wondered, but wondering and knowing are two different things,” says Donna.

It wasn’t until Clayton had come home for a college weekend visit and was ten minutes from going back to campus that he interrupted Donna at the sink where she was doing dishes to say, “Hey Mom, I’m gay.” This time she asked, “Are you kidding me?” But she quickly walked over and clasped his hands, which were “shaking like a leaf,” and she knew he was serious. She simply replied, “That’s fine. It’s okay. We love you. And then he went back to school.” Donna chuckles, relaying a lot of moms probably get told big news right before a departure and it’s a good thing for all to have time to process. Donna appreciated the time that she and husband Chris had to work through the newness of it all without having to run and tell anyone else. It wasn’t a huge surprise to Chris, who had assumed as much and prepared himself, knowing everything would be okay. Donna felt everything they had experienced thus far in their lives had prepared them for this -- from losing Calvin at such a young age and annually celebrating his birthday and angel day with a “Do A Good Deed for Calvin Day” initiative as a family, to serving in a BYU YSA ward and being part of a home ward family in Spanish Fork, UT that includes several LGBTQ+ members. It all “made it easier to hold our kids closer, and not let stupid things get in the way,” Donna reasons.

Clayton had already come out to his friends at school and had plenty of support. But he most cherishes his family, especially his grandparents who he visits often, and Donna expresses relief that none of them shut him out after he came out. Outside of school, Clayton loves playing Dungeons and Dragons with both his father and a group of friends, and also enjoys traveling, trying new restaurants, and going to movies, museums, and plays. He’s an excellent baker and cook and his mom knows, “he’s going to make a great husband someday.” In Clayton’s circle, there was no big announcement or fanfare, just an “I’m gay. No big deal. That’s me.” But that’s how Clayton has always been, according to Donna. “He’s so comfortable in his own skin. Sometimes so much so that I had wished he cared at least a little about what others thought. But thankfully I wasn’t able to change that about him because that trait would become his armor.”

Chris and Donna hope Clayton finds a spouse one day and has a family. He is dating men now at Utah State University where he has since transferred and will graduate this week in physics. He will then pursue a data certification and work in that field. When it comes to her own status as a lifelong learner, Donna likens this earthly experience to a semester in the grand scheme of our eternal education. “Yeah, we may have a judgment day and we may get a grade, but it’s not the final judgment – we get to keep progressing. We have to turn things over to God and realize we don’t know everything.” Donna works with some friends with LGBTQ children who were further along on their respective journeys and helped pave the way for her with good advice, primarily to “love your child and know the Lord will take care of the rest.” When Clayton came out and Donna’s family suddenly looked different than what she was raised to believe and expect, she did not find as much comfort through reading books where families tried to pigeonhole their LGBTQ children into staying in a church where they might suffer more mental trauma. But she has found hope through messaging like that provided by authors Terryl and Fiona Givens who focus on the central theme that our Heavenly Parents love us and want nothing more than for us to return to them. Donna believes, “We were given this family on earth for a reason and if we turn our backs on our children because they are doing something we don’t like, then we just failed our test here on earth. It doesn’t matter how often we go to church or how much we help our neighbor if we don’t love and support and minister to our own family – the most basic unit in the gospel… Just love your child, support them, let them go from the church if they need to, and celebrate everything about them like you would your other children. The Lord loves them and will provide for them when we can’t.”

A couple weeks ago, Chris was called to be the bishop of the Hansen’s family ward. Chris and Donna told the stake president, “You know none of our kids go to church, right?” He replied, “You’re still great people.” For now, Donna is committed to just loving others – as great people do – as she continues to plug through her “semester on earth.” She’ll continue wearing her rainbow pin to church each week, with the simple mission to love and accept everyone for who they are. Because this mom is not losing another kid.

THE ROLLINS FAMILY

For the Rollins family of Riverton, UT, people sometimes question what they did in their home environment to have not one, but two, gay children. “I promise we had no say in this. It’s just the way they came,” laughs Jenny Rollins, who along with husband Josh, are the parents of Jessica (21), Chelsea (18), Aidan (16), Brinley (12), and Landon (10). The Rollins have also fielded such insensitive (and inane) comments like, “You have two gay kids? That’s just cruel!” and “Wow, you are such a good family. And you still have gay children?” Jenny says her favorite was when a man said, “Often, it’s the sins of the alcoholic father that create gay sons.” Thus, Jenny jokingly blames Aidan on Josh, while she takes credit for their gay daughter, Jessica.

Indeed, this was “the way they came.” From a young age, Jenny recalls Aidan was more interested in playing with dolls and dress-up than the trucks and dirt many boys prefer. He leaned toward the performing arts over sports, and by 8th grade, admitted to his parents he was attracted to boys and couldn’t see a future dating girls. At the time, Josh was bishop, and Aidan was a deacon’s quorum president pursuing an Eagle Scout. While his parents wondered if they should encourage Aidan to live authentically or play the straight card through high school, they knew they could not support their son living in deep shame and pain any longer. Aidan came out publicly two years ago, in the 9th grade, and the Rollins say his mental health has been much better in the past year since he’s stepped away from the church and more fully embraced who he is. Before, he battled the broken record mantra so many gay kids ask, “Why would a loving God make me this way if it’s against His will?”

The Rollins’ eldest, Jessica, was “such an ultra, ultra obedient child and fully immersed in the gospel,” Jenny remembers. So much so that her mom jokingly wondered if the four “normally behaved” children who came after her “might be sociopaths” in comparison. Jessica was a born tomboy – preferring to wear masculine football jerseys and tool belts and to go to work with dad over any “stereotypical girl behavior.” She suffered anxiety and depression through high school that only got worse when she served a mission during Covid lockdown. “It wasn’t until she returned that I realized how suicidal she was.” Shortly after she came home last year, Jessica confirmed what Jenny had anticipated ever since she had seen how her daughter lit up inside the Encircle SLC house the family had visited after Aidan came out: Jessica is also gay. Jessica came out publicly recently via a humorous video and has also had to beg people to stop trying to set her up with their grandsons. Always “the obedient one,” the video was just one way Jessica responded to a prompting she received on her mission that when she returned home, she would “need to be vulnerable in sharing her story.”

Now, the Rollins’ second daughter Chelsea is preparing to serve an LDS mission, a decision they support. And Jenny says she’s equally as excited about what the next few years hold for her straight daughter in terms of marriage and kids, as she is for Jessica. “One will be getting married in the temple, and one won’t. And both futures bring me genuine joy. So no one can tell me this is a ‘wickedness never was happiness’ thing. What am I supposed to tell my kids for the next 80 years? Oh, you get to be alone for the next 80? You can’t even hold hands, because a pamphlet tells you that’s sinful homosexual behavior?”

Both of the Rollins kids came out while their father, Josh, was bishop of their ward, which cast a unique role for Jenny. “In some ways I felt like I was on this journey alone because I didn’t have the stewardship of a whole ward pressing on me simultaneously. There were some things Josh had to put in a shoebox, that now we’re sorting through.” An additional challenge for the family in terms of their ward has been seeing their son lose his sense of brotherhood with his quorums. After he came out, he felt isolation and a lack of camaraderie with the young men he once called friends. “For him to want to go back to church, it’s just not going to happen. Not only is the doctrine difficult, but socially it’s too hard when all they talk about is ‘serve a mission, marry a woman.’ What about those kids who don’t connect with that?” Jenny recalls getting called out for speaking up once in a lesson about how the Family Proclamation doesn’t address every family situation. She finds it ironic that church leaders are now acknowledging the same (in recent conference).

“I separate the church from the gospel. My gay children still observe gospel principles – they’re light seekers and bearers, and do it a lot better than a lot of Christians. They have taught me to love better like the Savior does. This a blessing, not a trial. The trial is seeing them in pain,” Jenny says. As for their place in the church? “I really believe it’s all about changing one heart at a time. Often, the big changes don’t come from the pulpit. They have to come through people’s hearts. It’s hearing stories, listening, that hearts are changed. We need to truly listen and trust people’s experiences. And not just sit there while they’re talking and be thinking of the right reply, or ‘praying for them.’ That’s not listening. Just listen.”

Recently released from their tenure as bishop, the Rollins were asked to be ward missionaries. Jenny hesitated about the call, and told their new bishop, “My goal is to get to the same place that you are – thinking I’m suited for this call. I’ll say yes, but have to go home and work through this.” She has since settled into a place of vulnerability and advocacy in her calling and in life, recently telling her ward mission council, “We need to listen and make our ward safe places. There are so many who appear to be doing well, but they’re not. And they’re too afraid to talk about their stories because we can ostracize out of fear and judgment. We need to be more open to being wrong about things. We don’t know everything. It’s a living church – there are more things to be revealed.”

Of her family’s future, Jenny confidently says, “I’m more comfortable with the hereafter than I am with this mortal journey, because of the way people treat my family. My kids’ sexuality isn’t the problem; it’s the way people treat them. I’m not going to claim to receive revelation for the church, but for my children, I know there’s a plan and it’s all going to be okay.”