Once upon a time, you “get married and have kids and think it’s all going to be great,” laughs Donna Hansen, reflecting on the starry-eyed newlywed she used to be. But it hasn’t always been sunshine and roses for Donna’s family of five, which includes husband Chris and sons Cole (20), Clayton (24), and their first-born, Calvin – who would be 26, but passed away in a tragic car accident at age 13. The trials, detours, and now rainbows the Hansen’s have encountered have only helped to put everything in perspective and make their family stronger.
“I’m not losing another grandkid,” was the response of Donna’s father, who they were most reluctant to tell after Clayton came out to his parents during his freshman year at Snow College. And indeed, his beloved grandpa quickly joined the whole family in embracing Clayton as well as his news. According to Donna, Clayton’s always been easy to love. “He was this cute, blue-eyed, blonde-haired little boy who batted his eyelashes and got whatever he wanted.” In high school, she wondered if he might be gay, but when she asked, he shrugged it off: “No mom, I’m fine, leave me alone.”
“At the time, I wondered, but wondering and knowing are two different things,” says Donna.
It wasn’t until Clayton had come home for a college weekend visit and was ten minutes from going back to campus that he interrupted Donna at the sink where she was doing dishes to say, “Hey Mom, I’m gay.” This time she asked, “Are you kidding me?” But she quickly walked over and clasped his hands, which were “shaking like a leaf,” and she knew he was serious. She simply replied, “That’s fine. It’s okay. We love you. And then he went back to school.” Donna chuckles, relaying a lot of moms probably get told big news right before a departure and it’s a good thing for all to have time to process. Donna appreciated the time that she and husband Chris had to work through the newness of it all without having to run and tell anyone else. It wasn’t a huge surprise to Chris, who had assumed as much and prepared himself, knowing everything would be okay. Donna felt everything they had experienced thus far in their lives had prepared them for this -- from losing Calvin at such a young age and annually celebrating his birthday and angel day with a “Do A Good Deed for Calvin Day” initiative as a family, to serving in a BYU YSA ward and being part of a home ward family in Spanish Fork, UT that includes several LGBTQ+ members. It all “made it easier to hold our kids closer, and not let stupid things get in the way,” Donna reasons.
Clayton had already come out to his friends at school and had plenty of support. But he most cherishes his family, especially his grandparents who he visits often, and Donna expresses relief that none of them shut him out after he came out. Outside of school, Clayton loves playing Dungeons and Dragons with both his father and a group of friends, and also enjoys traveling, trying new restaurants, and going to movies, museums, and plays. He’s an excellent baker and cook and his mom knows, “he’s going to make a great husband someday.” In Clayton’s circle, there was no big announcement or fanfare, just an “I’m gay. No big deal. That’s me.” But that’s how Clayton has always been, according to Donna. “He’s so comfortable in his own skin. Sometimes so much so that I had wished he cared at least a little about what others thought. But thankfully I wasn’t able to change that about him because that trait would become his armor.”
Chris and Donna hope Clayton finds a spouse one day and has a family. He is dating men now at Utah State University where he has since transferred and will graduate this week in physics. He will then pursue a data certification and work in that field. When it comes to her own status as a lifelong learner, Donna likens this earthly experience to a semester in the grand scheme of our eternal education. “Yeah, we may have a judgment day and we may get a grade, but it’s not the final judgment – we get to keep progressing. We have to turn things over to God and realize we don’t know everything.” Donna works with some friends with LGBTQ children who were further along on their respective journeys and helped pave the way for her with good advice, primarily to “love your child and know the Lord will take care of the rest.” When Clayton came out and Donna’s family suddenly looked different than what she was raised to believe and expect, she did not find as much comfort through reading books where families tried to pigeonhole their LGBTQ children into staying in a church where they might suffer more mental trauma. But she has found hope through messaging like that provided by authors Terryl and Fiona Givens who focus on the central theme that our Heavenly Parents love us and want nothing more than for us to return to them. Donna believes, “We were given this family on earth for a reason and if we turn our backs on our children because they are doing something we don’t like, then we just failed our test here on earth. It doesn’t matter how often we go to church or how much we help our neighbor if we don’t love and support and minister to our own family – the most basic unit in the gospel… Just love your child, support them, let them go from the church if they need to, and celebrate everything about them like you would your other children. The Lord loves them and will provide for them when we can’t.”
A couple weeks ago, Chris was called to be the bishop of the Hansen’s family ward. Chris and Donna told the stake president, “You know none of our kids go to church, right?” He replied, “You’re still great people.” For now, Donna is committed to just loving others – as great people do – as she continues to plug through her “semester on earth.” She’ll continue wearing her rainbow pin to church each week, with the simple mission to love and accept everyone for who they are. Because this mom is not losing another kid.
