As a child, Kelly Cook would often visit her father at his dental practice. She recalls one day when he sat her down to announce that soon she’d notice a familiar patient enter the office who was in the process of transitioning from male to female. He instructed, “We will be respectful and will now be calling this patient by her new name, Mrs. Johnson.” That was the end of the discussion. Similarly, Kelly witnessed the longtime friendship of her mother, Ruth, and her gay hairdresser, Michael. On the last day of her life, Ruth welcomed Michael and his daughter, Mia, into her hospice care room to do her hair for the last time. Michael was like a son to Ruth, and she commented on what wonderful husbands and fathers both he and his partner were. Michael replied, “Ruth, what will I do without our walks, talks, and visits to each other's homes?” In their lifetime, Kelly’s parents served as mission presidents and as the Oakland Temple President and Matron, but it was these examples of love that would prove to be the most impactful in Kelly’s life. She journaled the details of her mom’s last visit with Michael, not knowing at the time how it was helping to prepare her for the day four years later when she would be called upon to show love and support when her own son came out.
Nick (23) is the firstborn child of Kelly and Rich Cook, who met and fell in love at BYU. Soon, the girls followed: Ruthie – now 21, Caroline -18, and Hazel -14. Kelly remembers how as a young boy, Nick would go to preschool, find the sparkly slippers, and jump into his favorite fire engine to tour the playground. He loved to play with My Little Ponies, climb trees and door jams, watch Mulan, and play sports with his friends. To this day, the Environmental Studies and Sustainability student enjoys the outdoors, and Nick looks forward to graduating next year from the University of Utah. He is currently dating his boyfriend, Beck, who the Cooks all love and call “wonderful.” (cont’d in comments)
(2 of 4) Kelly describes her son Nick as forgiving, patient, a great listener, champion of the underdog, and her child who would become so concerned if someone waved to her and she didn’t see it, that he would give her a nudge: “Mom, so and so said hello and you need to say ‘hi’.” His sisters appreciate how Nick always knows the right way to be there for others, whether they need to laugh or cry. They all love how he includes an “I love you” with every good-bye.
In middle school, Kelly remembers a conversation in which Nick was trying to sort through his complicated feelings. He wondered if he was bi, and mainly dated girls until his senior year when he met his first boyfriend. He then told his mom he knew he was gay. This changed nothing for Rich and Kelly, and Nick was equally embraced with love by his siblings. Caroline simply asked her parents, “Is that why Nick hasn’t been coming to church lately?” She then told her brother, “It doesn’t make me love you any less.” They feel incredibly lucky to have him as part of their family and also to have the support of extended family members on both sides who are open to learning, growing, and accepting anyone who Nick loves.
While Nick always felt loved by his family, there were certainly struggles along the way. His parents initially didn’t want him to come out or date a guy publicly out of protection for him, and they feared what his sisters might think, or how it might look to their community and ward -- all fears proved wrong. Nick ended up going to his senior prom with his boyfriend, Mischa. Kelly remembers, “I was a nervous wreck the day he wanted to ask him. I had a headache, and by accident, ended up taking a Tylenol PM, which was probably a blessing.” When Kelly awoke and asked Nick later that night how he was feeling, he said, “I’ve thought about what asking him to prom would look like, what taking pictures beforehand and the bus ride and dancing together will feel like, and I’m not scared at all.” His calm helped Kelly process her own fears, which were quickly resolved... (cont’d in comments)
(3 of 4) The family lived in Palo Alto, CA at the time, and Kelly is so grateful her son had “the best friends,” both in and out of the church, who showed Nick support. Mischa will always hold a significant role in the Cook family’s life, as it was through their relationship that Kelly really understood that love is love and that Nick’s would be no different than any of her other children’s relationships. Sadly, while studying abroad in Spain while a student at Stanford, Mischa died in a freak fall from a cliffside a couple years ago. The devastating accident broke the Cooks’ hearts but also led to some tender experiences in which it was confirmed that God and those who live with Him are all around us still.
“We have been incredibly lucky when it comes to church leaders ever since Nick has come out. We’ve been met with love and acceptance from both bishops and stake presidents,” says Kelly, whose family now resides in Park City, Utah. One church leader who knows Nick’s journey told the Cooks, “Nick will probably marry a man someday, and he probably should.” Kelly loves how this made their family feel seen and understood. Of her unwavering support for her children’s paths, Kelly says, “We encourage all of our children to look to God for answers and let our Heavenly Parents guide them. I realize that Nick’s relationship to God is complex, but I leave that relationship to him. I want what Nick wants for himself and I’m here for all of the feelings associated with that.”
Trusting the spirit has led to many life-saving conversations with Nick through some very dark times that ultimately allowed Nick to catch glimpses of his divine eternal worth to God. Kelly appreciates how she’s been allowed to be a conduit to the Lord’s love for one of His precious children. She learned early on in their journey that the outcome is not something she needs to worry about for her children. When Nick first came out as bisexual, Kelly felt confused and anxious about what that meant. “I felt ignorant to this term and wanted a more concrete label for him, so I could better understand who and where he was. Would he end up with a man or a woman?” Ultimately, she learned that whatever the outcome was would be a beautiful thing, if the process had been nurtured in love along the way.
Kelly dreams “of a church space that openly welcomes all our LGBTQ loved ones exactly as they want to show up, just as we do for other individuals – whether it’s someone who’s questioning, who chooses to be single, or in a same-sex relationship - married or not. Let’s consider who’s not with us at any given time. Why are those who are LGBTQ not with us? Why are single or other individuals not as active? We need to start asking ourselves these questions, but more importantly ask THEM why they don’t feel encircled in acceptance from a Christian population that has the capacity and ability to do so. We also need to take accountability for the tremendous pain and even the lives lost over damaging policies that have been and continue to be in place.” Kelly believes that it’s God’s plan for His followers to enfold and include, not to sift out, divide, or exclude. “This gospel is big enough and expansive enough for ALL of us, exactly as we want to show up.”
The Cook family vows to use their voices to speak up and speak out when they hear disparaging or damaging comments about others as they work to make safe spaces within the church and elsewhere for their beloved LGBTQ friends and family members. Kelly’s grateful for these opportunities to champion others and grow in empathy for all who don’t fit the traditional LDS mold. As for her family’s future, Kelly says, “I don’t worry about the eternities. God is all-merciful and eager to bestow all that He has upon His children. He knows our hearts and minds perfectly and knows that this life is often complex and painful. His love will cover all things and situations. I feel perfectly confident in that.”
