Jarrie Johns of Erie, CO says she first sensed her youngest child, Kaden, might be gay when he was in the first grade. “He didn’t seem to have a lot of guy friends, and gravitated more toward traditionally girl things. He was artistic, sensitive.” When she mentioned this to friends and her husband, Devin, they brushed it aside, and Jarrie herself often tried to convince herself it wasn’t true – even baiting Kaden with frequent “What girl do you have a crush on?” kinds of questions, hoping he’d procure an answer. But he didn’t. And so the thought her son was likely gay lingered in Jarrie’s mind as she watched him grow.
Six years later, Jarrie got a call from a friend whose child had told them Kaden had been self-harming. He was now in the seventh grade. A dive-right-in kind of person, Jarrie says she and Devin pulled Kaden aside immediately and point blank asked him if he was gay. He replied yes, and said he had been harboring bad thoughts about himself for years, due to things he’d been taught at church. He had been too scared to let his parents know his secret.
Jarrie regrets that Kaden felt forced to come out, though she is grateful it happened when it did so they could prevent further harm. Worried about their son’s mental health, Devin and Jarrie put Kaden in therapy. While Jarrie’s intent was to help Kaden heal from some of his negative thoughts, because his parents took him to an LDS therapist, Kaden believed it was some sort of gay conversion attempt. They admit communication about him being gay wasn’t frequent around the dinner table for about a year, so there were many misperceptions occurring.
Devin and Jarrie started seeing the same therapist, who was concerned Devin might not be supporting his son in the way Kaden needed him to. Because of her earlier inclinations, it was easier for Jarrie to accept her son and this new course they’d be treading, but for Devin, it was harder. At first, Devin didn’t believe his son could have been born gay. It was a struggle, until one night, Jarrie asked her husband, “Devin, if you were forced to have a relationship with a man, could you? Could you just flip on a switch and become gay?” Devin’s instinctual answer revealed all he needed to know, and in that instant, it was as if a light switch in him had been flipped, and he realized – this was not something his son had chosen or could change.
With both parents now on board to pursue all the help Kaden needed as he grappled with his mental health, the family adjusted to a new normal. After Kaden came out to his parents, it didn’t take long for him to attend what would be his last church meeting, as he walked out of a class one day bawling, with a copy of the Family Proclamation in his hands. He crumpled it up in the church parking lot, and Jarrie knew he wouldn’t be going back.
For Jarrie, it was a slower process to find her footing and what worked best for her spiritually. While the Johns did not initially tell their ward members why their son had left, and he never came out publicly in an official way, people started to sense things. Jarrie says some of the kids tried to reach out to him, but often Kaden felt like it was only because he was “a project” or they were told to. Before he came out to his parents, Kaden had hung out with LDS kids, but after, he felt like he didn’t fit in and let those relationships go. At the same time, Jarrie says allowing him to step away from the church, and lean into his many friendships and influences in the dance community he was a part of is what “saved his life. They became really close and he felt less judged and could relate better. They became his support group.”
Over a five-year span after Kaden’s seventh grade reveal, Jarrie’s own health took a dramatic turn for the worse, due to trauma and stress she was feeling as a result of cognitive dissonance. At first, she and Devin approached their local church leadership seeking resources, but they were surprised to find there was little out there besides what's available on the church website. As other parents of LGBTQ approached her for advice, wanting the same things, Jarrie became frustrated. But each of these conversations she had with like-minded affirming friends felt like a breath of fresh air. She turned to podcasts and support groups like Facebook’s I’ll Walk With You which she says “became my church.”
Devin eventually recognized he needed to support Jarrie where she was at so she could live authentically within her newfound belief system. Devin continues to attend church, where he now teaches the 17-year-olds and tries to be an affirming influence for any who may need him to be. Jarrie and their kids have all stepped away. As Devin and Jarrie have both honored each other’s unique paths, they’ve found their marriage has actually grown stronger. Jarrie says, “Everyone’s different – that’s what’s beautiful about it. We learn through each other’s struggles and stories. Others sharing their experiences have helped me so much.”
Kaden – 18, has three older siblings: Morgan – 20, Paige – 25, and Kailer – 23, who will be married this weekend to Brooke. Kaden just moved to New York to enter his freshman year at SUNY Purchase where he is pursuing a BFA in dance. He is grateful for his family’s support, and that they have also shown support to his sister right above him, Morgan, who also identifies as LGBTQ+ and is a gifted artist. A talented songwriter, Morgan has considered going into musical therapy. Jarrie says, “She plays four to five different instruments and can write a song in minutes. It’s incredible.”
Around the time Kaden came out, Morgan – who was 15 at the time -- was also struggling with mental health issues. Suffering from debilitating anxiety, she was in and out of mental facilities and ultimately left high school to get her GED. Around the same time Kaden admitted he was gay, Morgan told her parents she was bisexual – something that surprised Jarrie as, “Out of all my kids, she was the most boy crazy. So when she came out, it was a little hard for us to understand.” Morgan ended up moving to Provo, where she works at a pizza place. She now identifies as pansexual. Jarrie says, “We’re learning to navigate that and all that comes with it.” Morgan enjoys the Provo scene where she has found many affirming friends and even found herself unexpectedly moving into an apartment with other queer roommates. But she admits there have been instances of people in town yelling nasty words at her when she’s been on dates with other females.
Looking back, Morgan says she suffered from a lot of internalized homophobia that caused anxiety, feeling she could never be herself or wasn’t good enough for anyone to love. Jarrie regrets, “We didn’t support her the way she needed to be supported. We’ll always regret it – we didn’t know. She still struggles, but is doing better.”
“Morgan was the child I always thought would probably go on a mission, besides Kaden – who would say his prayers faithfully and bear his testimony every week. Now I realize he was probably hoping for a miracle. Morgan has such a sweet spirit and would probably go back to church if they changed their stance on LGBTQ. Right now, she doesn’t feel welcome there.”
Jarrie feels hope that a friend in a nearby stake recently got called to be her stake’s “Resource Specialist for LGBTQ,” a first for their area. Jarrie appreciates this progress, and at the same time, also knows two families in her area who’ve left the church in the past month over LGBTQ issues. “It’s too much.”
Last year during Pride month, Jarrie posted on her personal and community pages that she would place Pride flags on the porches of anyone who requested one. She received many messages of gratitude and support, including a thank you from a queer couple down the street. She continued the tradition this year, placing a pot of flags on her porch in June, that anyone could come take from.
Having once believed there was only one right way to do things, Jarrie is now careful to try not to harm anyone’s testimony, while she encourages people to find their own paths. She also implores others to, “Follow your kids’ leads. With Kaden, letting him carve his own path is what saved his life. Don’t assume you know what’s best for everyone else. Not being gay or queer ourselves, it’s so hard to know what others are experiencing.”
She continues, “For me, having two queer children – as hard as it was once they first came out – has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives. I used to view everything in a box, letter of the law, that there was one way to do things – which looking back actually drew a wedge between my older kids and I. I’ve since had to work on those relationships. But having Kaden and Morgan come out has opened my eyes to view people the way Heavenly Father does – as the perfect people they are, no matter their sexuality, color of their skin -- no matter what. Everyone deserves to live an authentic life, just as straight people do. I love my kids to pieces. They’re all so unique, carving their own paths. It makes me so happy to see them figuring out who they authentically are.”
