When Brinda Bair’s brother Kevin came home early from his mission and then came out as gay 15 years ago, it was “a rough patch” for her family. “We didn’t quite know how to deal with that, and we didn’t deal with it in a healthy way,” she says. As a result, Kevin ended up distancing himself from his family for several years, and it has taken time for them to mend relationships to where they are now – an instrumental place for Brinda, as it is now Kevin who serves as a positive role model for her own gay son, Christian.
Christian was raised being called Sean, his first given name, but now prefers to go by his middle name as a bit of a rebranding since he’s come to a healthier place of identity. From the time Christian was a young child, Brinda noticed many similarities between him and his Uncle Kevin – physical and social mannerisms. She says that at the time, she started to worry he might also be gay. But her husband, John, assured her she shouldn’t worry about this. The thought lingered in her heart though, and over the years of raising Christian, the Bairs considered the ways they could do better so that if he were to come out one day, he would be supported in a way that Kevin initially had not been.
There were times through his adolescence in which Brinda would point blank ask her son, “Are you gay?” and Christian would deny it. But shortly before his 18th birthday, his parents found something that confirmed their premonitions were true. They took their son to dinner, and at this point, Christian finally felt ready to come out and say yes, he was gay. John and Brinda asked if he was considering sticking close to the gospel and living a celibate life, and he also confirmed that was the plan – that he still intended to serve a mission because he had a strong testimony.
On his 18th birthday just over a year ago, Christian came out publicly on social media. He’d already opened up to some close friends. Soon after, his parents returned from a trip to find Christian curled up, binge listening to episodes of Charlie Bird’s and Ben Schilaty’s “Questions from the Closet” podcast. He was stuck on an episode about whether or not gay people should serve missions. Sobbing, Christian said, “Mom, I can’t live my life alone.” Brinda says, “I could see and hear the anguish in his voice. He was our kid who had always wanted a big family – lots of kids, including a daughter he wanted to name Lilia. He loves people, family, and all his little cousins idolize him. I realized then the church path wouldn’t be his path.”
“A gentle, sweet soul who everyone is drawn to,” Brinda says Christian had always loved cars – “fancy cars, all the ins and outs of cars. He loves hiking and the outdoors, and is a very creative child.” Brinda continues, “One time I came home and he had taken a glue stick and cut paper into little fringe strips and glued it all around the border of his door – to liven up his space.” While Brinda had some experience having a gay brother, and lifelong inclinations about her own son’s orientation, it still took her some time to acclimate to being the kind of support Christian needed her to be. She told him, “This is my first time having a gay child, and your first time having parents of a gay child, so please tell us when we say or do something that might be hurtful.” She strongly feels that maintaining the parent-child relationship is “much more important than being right.”
As Christian eventually stepped away from church activity (though held on to his belief in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ), his parents remained dedicated to helping him feel of their love. “We both realize our place as parents is to love him as he figures out his path and journey.” But John and Brinda have each processed their own spiritual journeys differently. Brinda says, “John’s never struggled with his testimony or knowing God loves all his children, and that things will work out. I think it’s been hard for him that I have struggled. For me, I wanted the doctrine to spell things out for me.”
Brinda had already had a more substantial faith crisis when her brother came out, knowing that Kevin “was such a good, amazing man.” Watching him painfully step away from a church he’d once loved to eventually becoming atheist, she would wonder, “Why would God do this to him?” Now, she is able to separate church doctrine from the teachings of Jesus Christ. “Some of the doctrine I don’t understand or agree with, but I can move forward in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints because even though I don’t understand everything, it is my path forward. I’ve realized I can put my faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus that everything is going to work out, and that there is further light and knowledge to come. I try to keep an open mind. I do know God loves His queer children and has a path for them. My goal with all my children and friends who come to me in similar circumstances seeking advice is to encourage them to stay close to Christ, whether or not they stay in the church.” The Bair’s oldest child, daughter Kaity – 22, has also stepped away from the church, while their youngest son, Jaden – 17, “sticks close to the gospel.” Brinda says, “I respect my kids’ agency, but keeping them close to Christ is my goal.”
Christian has been dating, and has even brought a few boyfriends home. After attending a semester of college in St. George, he moved to Spokane, WA, where he lives with another of Brinda’s brothers and his family. Christian works as a tour guide for a zip line company, and would love to eventually open up a business of his own. Brinda is grateful all of their close relatives fully support and affirm Christian. She says he would love to find a new faith community, though he has tried and felt rejected (for being gay) before when he explored a new religion in St. George. “When he comes back home in November, I told him I’d help him church shop,” says his mom, who calls Lehi, UT home. Brinda desperately wishes things would change to where people like her son felt comfortable returning to their religious roots. She says, “I wish leadership knew we’re hurting. We’re losing so many amazing individuals and families over the treatment of our LGBTQ brothers and sisters.”
Christian confirms these sentiments, saying, "My relationship with the church is damaged. I feel like queer members try and build bridges and the leadership actively tears down those bridges. I would go back but I'm insanely hesitant since church teachings are what caused so much harm to my mental well-being. They really leave no room to be different, so when the cold hard truth turned out to be that I wasn't a straight boy who would easily marry in the temple, I felt really broken. It makes me feel like a dog who trusts his owner and wants to go running to him when he gets home, but then gets kicked or something because the owner thinks he did something wrong. You can see how confused the dog is, and eventually after enough kicks the dog doesn't want to be around the owner anymore, although the dog is still looking to be loved."
Christian is taking positive, healthy steps to fully embrace his own identity, as evident with his name change. He says, "With the switch to my middle name, I like it because my parents never used it negatively, it already had positive connotations with me. It's never carried the burden of being expected to be a certain person, or turn out a certain way - in the way that I felt ‘Sean’ carried that burden… Christian is cool because it represents something by its own definition (Christianity, Christ, etc) that in a lot of ways was good to me, and I identify with, but also in some ways hurt me a lot as well. So I find for me it's empowering to reclaim it and let that word define me but also let me define it myself: as someone who has a lot to live for and love for, someone who strives to be kind, someone who is queer, and someone who has overcome various different expectations and trials. And my favorite part is that this name was a gift from my mom and dad who have always loved me, and have done a really good job at showing it."
Brinda is immensely grateful for all she’s learned from her brother Kevin, and his husband of eight years, Keenan, who both now serve as positive role models for her own son. When they passed through town shortly after he had come out, their first stop and hug was directly to Christian, to show him support.
Back when the Respect for Marriage Act passed in July of this year, Kevin called Brinda, very surprised, because he knew some LDS Republicans had voted in favor of it. He told Brinda he doesn't follow religion/Christianity's view on LGBTQ issues because it's too painful and draining, but wondered if the culture within the LDS church might be shifting to more favorable views toward LGBTQ people. Brinda reflected on this and has now come to acknowledge, “While it has felt really slow to me, I realized the culture is changing! It's a completely different culture within the church now than it was 15 years ago when Kevin came out. I do have to say, most people in our wards with Kevin and with Christian have been very wonderful and supportive. The people are welcoming. The policies are not. Looking back on her journey of loving and learning from both Kevin and Christian, Brinda says that like her own mother, she wouldn’t trade being the mother of a gay son for anything due to “the things I’ve learned and the testimony I’ve gained of the Atonement and the importance of focusing on the Savior in our lives.” When other parents share with her now that a child has just come out, Brinda tells them, “You’re on a beautiful journey. A hard, beautiful journey. You’ll learn to love, and you’ll grow in ways you never thought possible and someday look back and see what a beautiful blessing it truly is to have a gay child.”
