On a crisp March day in 2020, Joni Broderick boarded a plane near her Washington D.C.-area home to fly to Salt Lake City, UT. She was dressed and ready to go to the temple, the first scheduled activity of a North Star conference she had signed up to attend in her efforts to learn more about how she could support her son, Kyle. Kyle had come out as gay just six months prior. As Joni left her hotel to begin driving to the Jordan River Temple, she got a call from Kyle, who was 45 minutes away at BYU, where he was a sophomore. He was upset. He explained that BYU had just made an honor code “clarification” that reiterated that gay students could NOT date or show affection, a reversal from two weeks prior when students like him had been led to believe that all dating would be treated the same. Kyle was joining hundreds of other like-minded students on their way to campus for a rally to express sadness in the change, and to support one another at a really difficult time.
Joni asked Kyle, “What can I do?” He told her the rally would be in 45 minutes, the same time she was expected to be at the temple. Joni sat in her car, wrestling with the notion, “I came here to go to North Star to learn how I can be there for Kyle. I should go to the temple; obviously that’s the right thing to do.” But then the Spirit very strongly told her, “You need to go support Kyle.” She could not deny the prompting. She turned toward Provo, stopping along the way at a Walgreens where she bought posterboard and markers. In the trunk of her car, she made signs – one which said, “Moms Love Boldly,” and another said “Free Mom Hugs.”
Joni pulled up to the school that both she and her husband had once attended. In fact, they had done “all the things,” says Joni. “We grew up in Utah Valley, Phil went on a mission, we got married in the temple, served in all the leadership callings. We have pioneer heritage, raised all our kids in the church, taught seminary, we were the ‘all in’ kind of family. If you had looked down at the pews of our congregation when we were raising our young kids, and told me that WE would be an LGBTQ family, I would have never believed it! Not the Brodericks—that just didn’t fit the vision or plan that is mapped out for you when you’re a very active Latter-Day Saint family. And now, here I was, about to walk across the BYU campus holding a huge ‘FREE MOM HUGS’ ally sign.”
Setting foot on campus for the rally, Joni said, “I just felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, because I’d never done this before. It was out of my comfort zone, for sure, but because of my son, I was willing to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. I was still very new in all this.” It had only been a few months since Kyle had returned home from his mission in Mozambique, Africa, after coming out to his parents over a voice recording sent via email. While this was hard news to receive with him being clear across the world, they wanted to make sure he was all right, but also tried to assure him that he could still be a missionary AND also be gay. But Kyle had been diligently praying and seeking his own answers, and he knew he needed to come home to figure things out for himself; he just didn’t feel like he could do that while also being a missionary in Africa. The Brodericks heeded their stake president’s advice to welcome their son home with signs and hugs, like any missionary parent would do -- and they did. Joni and Phil expected he’d want to be at home for awhile, but almost immediately, Kyle returned to BYU. And Joni turned to every resource she could find to start educating herself about a topic she admits she had clearly misunderstood until it dealt with her family -- her Kyle. “Everything I was taught about gay people didn’t fit how I knew my son,” she said. “He’s such a good, kind, loving, accepting person. I finally realized that if someone like him was gay, then everything I’d been led to believe from the past was just not accurate.”
The Brodericks were surprised to learn this about their son while he was on his mission, which played into the reactions they had. Later, they felt terrible learning that this was something he’d harbored quietly on his own in Africa, surrounded by a homophobic companion, and in a very remote area far from his mission president who might have provided him some support. “It was heart wrenching when we heard the pain and anguish in his voice of that recording.” Joni admits that in the beginning, she and Phil could have initially handled things better. Expressions that Kyle was being tested by Satan as a missionary, and sending articles from church leaders were NOT helpful things to do. Some things that they did right, Joni says, included immediately expressing unconditional love, and believing what he had to say. “We also conveyed trust in him making the decision to come home for himself, and that he knew through his own prayers and answers what was best for him. Then we just gave him all the total family support we could.”
Kyle is the youngest in his family and the only son, which Joni says, “automatically comes with many bonuses! His sisters (Nicole, Courtney & Sydney) love him like no other, and he is definitely a favorite amongst all the family, including his brothers-in-law, Chris and Brandon, and nieces and nephews, Rylie, Aidan, and Jax. Everyone loves Kyle.” Joni says he has always been a “super smart, funny, involved and active in everything at church and school kind of kid. He was popular, has many friends, and always has been a natural showman. Nobody makes us laugh harder than Kyle! He’s very fun to be around. Our whole family has been on this journey. It’s not just Kyle’s -- it’s all of ours, too, and we are in this together with him as a family.”
Kyle had told his BYU bishop that he was gay when he submitted his mission papers. Unlike some of his friends in similar situations, whose bishops had held their papers and delayed their missions over this, Kyle’s bishop was supportive. Kyle had also told a couple affirming friends at BYU. Joni regrets that she hadn’t created a safe enough space at home for Kyle to have felt comfortable sharing this part of himself with her. But now, heeding Kyle’s phone call and her prompting, Joni arrived at BYU, ready to make up for it.
Joni approached the rally and stood in the middle of the throngs of students with her sign, looking for Kyle. She hadn’t seen him for three months, since he had been home for Christmas. Suddenly, she saw him running to her with a huge hug. That was the moment a photographer from the Salt Lake Tribune snapped a photo that would later run with a story about the reversal of the Honor Code. https://www.sltrib.com/news/education/2020/03/06/hundreds-byu-students/?fbclid=IwAR0jH1bR3MSN5vkl9jNEtmRAeg6NX0ZX_KuJ_VCn0axo7bVe0B8y2KvtPIA
Joni squeezed her son tightly, this being one of only a handful of days she’d spent with him since he’d come out and come home from Africa. Behind Kyle, Joni spotted another person standing patiently, waiting for their turn for a hug -- a transgender individual who stood at 6’2 to Joni’s 5’2 frame. It was Joni’s first time ever seeing a trans person, and at the time, she felt very out of her comfort zone. But she knew what she was there to do. After releasing Kyle, she asked them, “Would you like a hug?” They nodded. As Joni embraced them, she felt “the most overwhelming love I’d ever felt in my life. The love was not mine – it was the love of the Savior. I’ll never forget it! I was the vehicle for His love for this one specific person. This was one of my first major transformative experiences.” Many students at the protest took Joni up on her offer and hugs were plentiful. “I had more than one student tell me, ‘You don’t know how much this means’,” she says.
Phil, too, has felt changed by all he has learned from the LGBTQ space. He says, “While every LDS-LGBTQ story is unique and personal, there are several consistent themes: Most seem to realize they are attracted to the same gender around ages 9-11. One thing they strongly believe is that this must be kept a secret. As they get older, they feel shame… Many try to bargain with God that if they do certain things (pray hard, study scriptures, go to seminary, go on a mission, etc.) that God will take this away from them… Somehow, we as a church need to help these LGBTQ members not feel shame, fear, depression, lack of belonging, etc. If they could come out earlier and know that they would be accepted and loved, their young lives would be so much better.We, as a church, as ward members or as leaders -- none of us have ever received helpful guidance or been educated or received any training on how we can better minister to our LGBT members. Listening to other people’s experiences and learning from them is one way we can do better.”
Joni currently teaches the Young Women in her ward. She is more aware now of how certain lessons can be hard for some youth and cause hurt and feelings of shame. During what could be difficult lessons on the Family Proclamation or temples, she makes it clear to the girls that there may be different paths for some, and the most important thing is to know they are loved immensely by their Heavenly Parents and to stay close to the Savior, no matter their journey. “They are not flawed, but perfectly created by a loving God.” Joni says she has been blessed by having several youth and adults share with her their personal feelings and journey, which she considers an honor -- that they trust her enough to be so vulnerable.
About one year after Kyle came out, Phil and Joni compiled an essay called “What We Have Learned” and gave it to their stake president and bishop, along with Richard Ostler’s Listen, Learn & Love and Ben Schilaty’s, A Walk In My Shoes books. The Brodericks expressed their desire to be a resource to any who might need it, as they had felt so alone at the beginning of their journey. Joni says, “It’s so important to know there are many LGBTQ families out there and you are not alone. There are resources and support for you.”
Kyle graduated from BYU in Information Systems this past April and moved to Arlington, VA, where he works as a software engineer. His parents and family love having him back and he enjoys being around his family and having their support. Kyle has since stepped away from the church, “frankly, because there’s just not a space for LGBTQ members in the church right now”, Joni says. “He knows he’s not going to marry a girl, and he’s not the type of person to spend his whole life alone. It’s a tragic and impossible situation that is asked of our LGBTQ members… choose your faith tradition that you have known and embraced your whole life, but you must be alone with no hope of love, companionship, and family. Or, choose to fall in love with someone, get married, share your life and learn the joys of having a companion to go through life with, raise a family with. But then, you will have to give up your faith tradition because there is not a place for you in the church.”
During the North Star weekend, Joni was immensely grateful to meet a new friend, Becky Macintosh (author of Love Boldly), who invited her to have lunch, and let her ask a million questions on how to navigate this new experience, and also just let her sit and cry. Becky promised that things would get better and to just love her son. Becky also told her she didn’t have to choose between her faith and her son – that she could love and embrace both. When Joni finished the conference, she did go to the temple – fasting, praying, and searching for answers that she had pleaded and yearned for for six months. “The best advice I’ve gotten was straight from God -- no middle man. He said to me, ‘You don’t need to worry about this. I’m in control here. I know Kyle’s gay, I created him perfectly that way. I love Kyle. I have a plan for him. I love you. I love your family and you’re all going to be okay. You don’t need to worry about this anymore’.” Joni left that day no longer worried, but confident in her new personal truth. “I had my own experience like Joseph had: I knew it, and I knew God knew it, and I couldn’t deny it.”
“Now when I hear messages that are often hurtful – they rattle me a little, but they don’t hurt or make me question like they would have. I strongly believe God has a plan for all these amazing LGBTQ kids. The church, as an organization, just doesn’t know that plan yet. But God does; it’s part of his divine purpose for our mortal experience and growth. My hope is in the 9th Article of Faith – there are still many great and important things yet to be revealed.”
Joni continues, “I am so grateful Kyle is my son. I’m so grateful he’s gay. Three years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Three years ago, I was huddled under my covers crying and worried what his future would look like, and what would become of our eternal family? But that day at the BYU rally, and my personal experience of hearing God in the temple, my heart was taken out of my chest and I was given a new one because of this journey. It’s because Kyle is gay that I’ve been blessed to have experiences that I otherwise would not have had. It is because Kyle is gay that I’ve had to be on my knees in prayer and have grown a deeper relationship with my Savior than I have ever known. I consider being the mother of a gay son one of my greatest blessings. I often feel that if I am to have salvation, it will be because of the lessons I have learned by being his mother.”
