Right around his 13th birthday, in February of 2020, Liam Bailey came out to his mom, telling her he was nonbinary pansexual. This was a shock since the kid telling her this was assigned female at birth (AFAB) and had always seemed to loved pink, princesses, and girly things. “I was like, ‘I don’t even know what that means’,” laughs Tiffany. She may not have at the time, but now, just over two years later, Tiffany displays a remarkable ease and education in all things LGBTQ+, sparked by her allegiant trust in her teen’s unique journey.
Just before he came out, Liam had been struggling with his mental health. His anxiety levels startled his doctor. At an appointment, it also came out that there had been a suicide attempt. “I didn’t know there had been one or why, but clearly something was wrong. It was a lot,” says Tiffany. Her older son, Thomas (now 16), had also experienced some intense mental health challenges the year prior, so when Tiffany’s second child came to her in a similar state of turmoil, she says, “I kinda lost it and felt like I was failing as a parent. I thought, something has to change.”
After Liam entered therapy, he was able to vocalize that he’d been experiencing gender dysphoria, which ultimately led to his coming out to Tiffany, and then his dad, Brad. At first Tiffany wondered if Liam had been influenced by the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) club at school he had joined, but as she listened more to his experience, she changed her mind and eventually realized, “As long as you stay alive, I’m happy with whoever you are.” With the help of a skilled therapist, Liam started to improve, and the emotional climate at the Bailey house gradually lightened. But at the same time, Tiffany felt like a rug had been pulled out from under her. “My child, who I thought was female, coming out as non-binary and then transgender male made me rethink a lot of things – I felt like I was trying to do everything right and checking all the boxes the church wanted me to. But really, I was in the box trying to make it look good on the outside. Inside, I was falling apart.”
Luckily, Tiffany was able to reach out to a small network of friends - – a transgender neighbor, a fellow piano technician who is a trans woman, and another mother of a transgender child. They each shared the pain and tension they’d felt from certain family members who had not been accepting. Tiffany realized that these friends’ placement in her life prior to her own child coming out was a merciful way her Heavenly Parents had prepared her. And now, their advice helped her recognize the vital steps she would need to take to help Liam not just want to stay alive, but to thrive.
“I realized my heart had to break wide open. I had to trust in my Savior and my Heavenly Parents, and the answer I got from them was one of the strongest spiritual experiences I’ve had in my life. I was told, ‘We love your child more than you even know, and even more than you love him. We created him on purpose for a purpose. He has a path and things will be okay’. It was a beautiful, beautiful experience,” recalls Tiffany. She determined she wanted her child to know she loved him deeply without conditions, just as the Savior does.
The next prompting she felt was that she needed to be a support to other youth, as the nonbinary and trans experience is misunderstood by so many. Tiffany says, “Even just having one affirming person in your life can cut the risk of suicide by almost 50%. I’m going to be that person for as many people as I can.
It took her some time to get comfortable with rainbows, but now Tiffany wears one everywhere she goes, especially when she knows she’ll be around youth, to signal she’s a safe space. “More than once, I’ve had those youth tell me they like my pin, and ask where they can get one, or thank me for wearing one. So… it’s working.”
When Liam first came out as nonbinary, Tiffany trained her brain to think of his they/them preferred pronouns at the time, much as you would a lost item and say, “Somebody left their wallet...” Liam tried out several names with friends at school and discussed suggestions with his mother before centering on his chosen name of Liam. After continuing to meet with a therapist who specializes in gender and LGBTQ, Liam now feels the pronouns he/him ring more true.
When it came to social transitioning, Tiffany acknowledges some things felt scary at first, having been trained to abide by societal constructs with dress and haircuts and the like, but Tiffany chose to learn about ways she could affirm her child medically, one being puberty blockers that buy time and are completely reversible. She has come to the conclusion that, “Medically transitioning is very personal and is really nobody else’s business. Transitioning has a very broad range. But ultimately, it’s not what’s under their underwear that makes them who they are – it’s who they say they are on the inside.”
While Tiffany now makes it all sound easy, she acknowledges this all took some training and even mourning. “With a trans kid, there is a period of mourning – not for the loss of your child, but what you thought was going to happen. It’s a real process. The hard part is your body responds like you’ve lost a child, but in this case, no Relief Society is bringing you a casserole. You feel so alone, and without support. It’s a private, lonely pain.”
She continues, “The name we chose at birth had so much meaning – at times, his name change felt like a rejection of us. Then we realized it wasn’t him rejecting us but what we wanted for him. Now we know more. At the same time, it’s still painful.” One thing Tiffany’s learned is to master the words AND and BOTH. “I can love my child and support him, AND I can still be sad at times for things that aren’t and won’t be.”
Most important to Tiffany is showing Liam a mother’s unconditional love. ”I refuse to be a source of trauma for my child by not validating who he says he is. He is not confused about his gender. He’s not being deceived by Satan. He’s just trying to explain his mortal experience to a world that doesn’t understand. I don’t presume to know what his spirit was before this earth life – I don’t know if his body formed differently than what his spirit is, but we know that can happen on this earth. There’s a lot we don’t know. What I do know is I can believe him and support him for exactly who he says he is, and walk alongside him.”
Tiffany also finds it ludicrous that with recent legislation, if she were to enter the state of Texas, per se, she’d automatically be labelled as a child abuser for affirming her son. She asks, “What’s the worse abuse? Ignoring my child’s trauma and suppressing who they say they are, or allowing them life-saving medical treatment and therapy? Because if he didn’t have that, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be here.”
Liam is now 15 and in the 9th grade in Syracuse, UT, where he is a 4.0 student and was awarded Student of the Month last fall. A teacher told Tiffany that they all deeply admire how Liam “knows who he is,” something many ninth graders still struggle with. Something Tiffany is grateful Liam is able to feel, both at school and at home. She says that all around, he is thriving. He is a team captain of his National Academic League, an amazing artist, and is involved in affirming roles in his junior high school’s drama program. While he has a great group of friends, he is not immune to hurtful comments from students – some “generally ignorant, some blatantly awful.” Their youngest child, daughter Rose -13 (a 7th grader, who Tiffany describes as a fantastic ally) is quick to stand up for LGBTQ students in the school.
Church is very complicated with a transgender child, as there is not really a place in a deliberately binary church, despite what leaders may say. Liam has chosen to step away from the church, a decision his parents fully support. Tiffany says that, “While our day to day box-checking church activity looks very different than it used to, my testimony of our Savior and relationship with my Heavenly Parents is very active and has never been stronger. It’s deepened in a way I couldn’t have imagined.”
The Baileys participate in a monthly support group for LGBTQ+ and allies which they host at their house along with neighbor, and fellow LGBTQ parent, Becky Edwards. Of the meeting, Tiffany says, “Now that is a sacred space.”
While Liam’s initial coming out blindsided her, Tiffany now says with confidence, “I want Liam to be the best version of himself, not to conform to societal norms – just to be happy in his own skin, whatever that looks like for him. I want him to be authentic. There’s such a big spectrum of the human experience. We need to leave it up to the person to explain their experience to us and believe them, not put our presumptions and expectations on them and tell them who they are – they get to figure that out for themselves. I get to just love and accept at face value.”
