Just after Christmas, on January 13, 2021, our Elli told us that she is bisexual. She was 16 years old.
A series of events led me to feel impressed by the Spirit to ask Elli if she experiences an attraction to women. She opened up and shared that she doesid. Sitting across from me on my bed, she shared that she experiences a stronger attraction to women than men, and that she has a desire to embrace and explore this part of her life. This part of who she is.
Life changed. We have put our arms around her and told her that we love her, and we always will;, she will always be a part of us. We told her we would navigate this road with her and walk with her wherever it took her. I told her if she married a woman, I'd throw a beautiful wedding for her, and we'd stand by her side.
But inside. my heart ached. Because I knew this would be a long road. Because I knew others wouldn’t understand like I do. Because I knew this road may take her away from the very thing that gives me breath.
The Lord prepared my husband, Matt, and I, and we were carried in His love during those first days. On the night she told us, I had a very strong, distinct impression from the Spirit that this experience would bless us. That this is what the Lord has always had planned for us. That this would cause us to dig deep and access places in our heart that we wouldn't be able to access otherwise. That we would become more like the Savior than we ever could in any other way imagined. That our life was always meant to be this way. Almost like there was something in our family,, in our reality and our space that was missing, that would now help us become more whole.
But somehow, it felt so deeply hard. Hard to reconcile emotions and feelings and dreams. Not hard to love her. Not hard to make our family a safe space. Not even hard to tell someone I have a gay child. It was just so hard as a parent to know what to do next, for her. What to do to help her be healthy and happy in this world of discrimination and fear. There's no map for this. It's really lonely.
I learned long ago that life doesn't follow a "plan,", or an expected path. It's an individual journey for each of us, and a lifetime of wrestling with a variety of realities that we each inevitably face. Elli's journey is no different, and she will work with the Lord to determine what that journey will be. Not me. I've learned to relinquish that role as a parent. My job is to love her and teach her that the Lord loves her. Our love for her will never change. W, we will love and accept whatever choices she makes and whatever path she chooses. We feel peace with that. And we are handing it over to the Lord. I think we often try to take on the role of the Savior in our children's lives. It's not our job. We can't fix or heal. We can't convince or change. That is His job.
We can love. That's all we have been asked to do. And if our children choose a journey that takes them on a twisting, winding path to find that light and that love, that is simply ok. It was always meant to be that way.
I have had multiple experiences over the last decade that have caused me to wrestle with the Lord and have given me deep love and gratitude for His love and His doctrine. There is so much I don't understand, but hasn't it always been that way? Weren't we told that there would be mysteries that we don't understand? Haven't we been told that we would have to wait upon the Lord? Isn't that why faith is what it is? We are asked to walk into the dark and trust Him. To have faith that what we don't know;, He knows. It's a different kind of faith -- deep faith. The kind of faith that only comes when we are blind.
The Lord has asked me to relinquish control over and over and over (and over) again in my life. I'm grateful for that repeated lesson that was preparing me, in ways I didn't know I'd need --, to do it again now.
I believe the Lord knows each one of us personally and intimately. No tear is unseen. In the months that followed Elli’s coming out, my husband and I immersed ourselves in learning more, and in listening. We talked with Elli often, asking a lot of questions, both to show support and a willingness to learn and understand. It was no coincidence that I decided, through a series of heaven-led moments, to return to graduate school for my Master of Social Work degree not long before Elli came out. As bishop, my husband and I both felt impressed to start listening to how we could better minister to the LGBTQ+ community the year prior, with no real comprehension as to why. It is no coincidence that we live in a beautiful, small corner of Pennsylvania where the Young Women’s leaders have loved Elliher and asked her to share her thoughts and experiences in lessons, in her small class of six young women. It is no coincidence that she was part of a 13-year career in competitive gymnastics with a team that knows her and would love her and accept her. Elli, who has always had the biggest and kindest heart, is happier and healthier than she has ever been, and she believes her Heavenly Father knows her and He loves her. She knows we love her. I wouldn’t trade the love and joy in those relationships for any guaranteed outcome.
We have learned and grown so much on this journey. I have felt inadequate every step of the way, but I have heard the Lord whisper to me -- sometimes moment to moment, day byto day -- what to say, what to do, and where to turn. He has been guiding us, strengthening us, and reminding us that the conduit to heaven is real. I have felt my relationship with my Savior strengthen and my heart expand. We want to help others as they navigate this path. We want to say, “Wwe see you, we know it’s real,, sit with us., Yyou can talk about it and you can be open about it, and you can share the reality of it in this space. And you will be safe.” This cultural change is not only needed in the church;, it is needed everywhere. In our homes, in our schools, in our streets. From both a spiritual, personal, and professional space, I can tell you it is needed everywhere. It will save lives. Invalidating the core of a person’s identity has lasting effects that cannot be measured, causing deep trauma and deep wounds. It is such an important thing to humanize the unknown. The more stories we hear, the more we clarify and dispel the single story often defined and communicated to us through society. We must love, and leave the rest to the Lord.
Often in my conversations with people, I wrestle with the irreconcilable aspects of this road. What is right or wrong, what the doctrine says, what the future will be like, where God stands. I honor and respect that for some, the healthy choice is to step away from the church. I have a heart wide open in love for both those who stay and those who can’t.
I don’t know the answers. But for me, believing that God knows things that we don’t, that understanding can change and be increased over time, that things can be revealed, that there is so much we do not know, and that … saying “as we know it” to an array of topics and questionss… ..is foundational to having hope and faith, and being able to trust despite all the questions. I don’t say “as we know it” to dictate or even assume what changes will happen. I don’t claim to know the answers. I just know I can’t make sense of it right now, and I pray more clarity comes along the way. “As we know it” doesn’t represent doubt;, it represents faith. My role is not to determine or change doctrine. That is the Lord’s job -- and His alone. I will leave that to Him and trust Him. But I can change the way I love. I can change me. I can change my home. I can change my pew.
I have had so many moments of asking, as Emily Belle Freeman doesays, “Where is God and can He be trusted?” Are all the impressions I’ve had my whole life real? How does this fit into that picture? Am I wrong? Are they wrong? Maybe none of us are. Maybe all of us are. Am I understanding my impressions correctly? Are these Gods’ thoughts, or just my own? The list goes on. Faith is hard work. And sometimes I am tired. But then I feel the Savior give me strength from both seen and unseen sources, and I remember that it’s ok not to have the answers. That my life’s story -- Elli’s life story -- is young. Sometimes we put limits on the Lord and his timing with our expectations. Who is to say all our dreams won’t come true? I love the principle of not having our faith based on particular outcomes.
Sometimes I look around and realize that what is happening is exactly what I asked for. I asked to be stretched and molded to become more like my Savior. I asked for doors to be open where I could serve Him. I asked to be broken open, and made new. I promised long ago that I would listen to the Lord’s whisperings and try to do His will. Every step of our lives has been in hopes of serving and sacrificing for our Savior, in an effort to love all His children. This step will be no different. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. I’m here, both in this church and in this space, because of Him. And because I’ve also knelt in the Sacred Grove. And in the temple. And I’ve had the heavens open in my life. I have had experiences I cannot deny. And I also have questions I cannot reconcile. That’s when I lay it at the Lord’s feet. Despite all that is unanswered, there are also answers to other deep questions of my heart that I cannot find anywhere else.
The loneliness and confusion I experienced, sitting in my corner of the world in those first moments on that January day, were stark and overwhelming. It's amazing how alone you can feel... ..until all of a sudden you realize you are not. That's my hope. That I can help another mother who feels alone in her corner of the world, feel less heartache, and less loneliness. We want to carry these burdens together. We want to share our deep love of the gospel and desire to love and support our daughter at the same time. We want to share that we do believe those two realities can exist. We have access to heaven’s power. We are not alone. You are not alone. Your family was always meant to be this way.
The Gruwell Family consists of Stacie and Matt and their four children: Ashlan (21), Elli (18), Kate (13), and Monty (8). They live in Harborcreek, PA, where Matt is a professor of genetics and evolution at Penn State University, and Stacie works in mental health at a junior high school.
Elli will be attending Utah State University on a scholarship with the Huntsman School of Business Scholar Program this coming Fall. She looks forward to coaching gymnastics, and continuing her passions in vocal performance and digital art.
