(Content warning: mention of suicide, and suicidal ideation)
Nestled against the picturesque landscape of the Wasatch mountains, former Heber City Mayor Kelleen Potter wears many hats – as a leader, a lobbyist, and most of all, as a devoted mother who describes her kids (Daniel-26, Benjamin-24, Faye-22, Hannah-20 and Abby-16) as a bit of a Benetton ad in their diversity. The line-up includes everything from an Air Force intelligence officer who learned to speak Russian on an LDS mission, to two queer kids, to her youngest, who was adopted from China.
Raised in the LDS faith, Kelleen was committed to her goals to have a large family, but laughs she “got a late start,” (by church culture standards), at age 30. Her life took an unexpected turn when her eldest son, Daniel, began struggling at the age of 12. The once vibrant and academically advanced child started to withdraw. Unbeknownst to his mother, Daniel was grappling with the societal pressures and bullying that often accompany the discovery of one’s sexual orientation. She assumed the kids at school were just teasing him because he was so well-dressed, believing, “He had a little girlfriend, so he couldn’t be gay.”
Daniel confided in his bishop about his feelings, and was told, “You’re not gay; the world will tell you that you are gay, but you just have talents like fashion and photography which will bless your life if you follow the Church’s teachings.” Upset about this, Daniel told a trusted friend/scout leader who was worried about Daniel and told Kelleen. At the time, Kelleen did not know anyone who was gay besides the cousin of her husband - a cousin Kelleen now regrets not reaching out to for advice and insight. All she knew about homosexuality was from church and from reading the oft-prescribed book, Miracle of Forgiveness, of which she now says, “I find it horrifying that an entire generation of LDS gay members and their families had only that to turn to for information concerning this topic.”
Seeking comfort and guidance, Daniel requested his patriarchal blessing as a freshman in high school. In it, he was told a beautiful wife was being prepared for him and someday he’d meet and marry her. Kelleen noticed that that was when Daniel started to give up. Daniel has since shared his experience that a child at that age feeling so rejected by their church community and no hope for the future usually has feelings of ending his life. Daniel did make an attempt. “Fortunately, it wasn’t successful, and I didn’t know about it until 12 hours later.” Finding him in the basement, Kelleen had a painful conversation where she found herself at a complete loss for words. “Looking back, there were so many comforting things I should’ve said, but my entire upbringing was through the lens of the church, and I was full of fear about handling it wrong.”
Kelleen had a roommate in college who ended up marrying a gay man, who had been encouraged to enter into a mixed-orientation marriage by church leaders. The marriage lasted two years. That experience made it clear to Kelleen that this was not something Daniel had chosen or could change. But at the time, she still believed the church should be able to offer him answers. Busy with her stake Primary president calling while also serving on the city council, Kelleen now tried to fit in navigating finding those answers. Daniel warned her not to tell people about him being gay, fearing some in their conservative town might slash her tires. School life was increasingly tough for Daniel, where he’d received a text that said “Watch out, homo,” and a teacher confirmed to his mother Daniel was being bullied.
Needing a change of scenery, Daniel went to live in Orem with relatives. They ran the Hale Theater, where Daniel got a job and found it to be an accepting place. He came out in his new seminary class to a very affirming teacher, but there was fall out from other students. Ultimately, Daniel ended up at the Walden charter school, which Kelleen jokes felt like “the land of misfit toys,” but where she found the people to be wonderful. During his junior year of high school, Daniel went to Anasazi wilderness camp, which became a beautiful thing as through letters back and forth, Daniel was able to share more of his story and his heart with his family.
Kelleen began turning to non-church resources for help, including her friend, A. Todd Jones, who she had worked with in the EFY circuit, and who had recently come out publicly about being gay on social media. A. Todd connected Kelleen with Wendy Montgomery of Mama Dragons, and soon after, Kelleen found herself at a retreat with 40 other moms who ultimately became mentors as she went around interviewing everyone to figure out how she could make the church work with her family dynamic. Kelleen said she left that weekend feeling like she was hit by a lightning bolt--believing that the church was actually wrong on this issue. She recalls, “That was the first time in my life I could not just take everything they said and act on it… I now see how we in our church and culture have caused a lot of shame for people like my son, who are made to feel like they’re fundamentally flawed… What a terrible message to receive when they are simply a biological variation, a beautiful creation of their Heavenly Father. That’s it. There’s so much beauty in who they are. These bright, beautiful kids, sadly with their light dimming, fearing being cut off from family, friends and community simply for being who they are.”
Kelleen then began to finally take seriously the council to pray about what leadership says, then take personal accountability. She decided she would lead with love over anything else. Up until that point, Kelleen says, “It was so easy to put people in boxes, it became so refreshing to think, ‘Nope that’s not my job. I just get to love people.’ It makes life a lot easier to navigate and has been one of my most important life lessons.”
As Daniel become more stable after Anasazi, Kelleen‘s third child, who was in the eighth grade, also started struggling with mental health. Faye, who had always been so gifted and talented, also began to withdraw. One morning, Kelleen found a note on Faye’s bedroom door that said, “Please take me to the hospital.” Faye’s school also reported a school computer search engine revealed suicide was on her mind. This led to Faye being checked in as an inpatient for five months at Primary Children’s Hospital.
Right before she returned home, Kelleen saw a text on Faye’s phone that revealed Faye, who had been assigned male at birth, said her fantasy was to go to a dance dressed as a girl, and be accepted. Kelleen says all this made finding out you have a gay kid seem easy. Kelleen is now a lobbyist at the Utah state legislature and struggles as she hears people talk about trans issues, knowing how it will affect a child--her child and so many others. She says, “My Faye is a sweetheart; she is so tender. I hate having to fear dropping her off at a bus or train station, knowing the things people might say to her, for simply living her truth in a way that is best for her mental health.”
It took some time visiting various doctors and psychiatrists for Faye to fully come out, and for Kelleen to feel the spirit hit her hard and tell her that she could choose to support her child and keep Faye alive and have a relationship, or not. Kelleen has tried to help Faye the best she can with therapy, and credits Lisa Hansen of Flourish Therapy as being a true lifesaver for Faye. Now at age 22 and 6’3, Faye notices the funny looks she gets in the small town where she lives. Of this, Kelleen says, “Thinking of all the steps a trans person goes through in a society where people don’t seem to accept them, even though they’re not hurting anyone… It’s a big journey. I’m so proud of Faye.” While Faye is witty, clever, and talented, Kelleen says her journey has seemed to derail her for a time as she navigated coming out in adolescence and young adulthood.
During her tenure as mayor of Heber, Kelleen spoke with many people about LGBTQ+ issues. She says, “It was a privilege to be a safe space for parents and LGBTQ youth… I think our church and community and state have made a lot of progress in this area. Several of Daniel’s friends from high school have come out since – some of them also endured hospitalizations along their way for mental health.”
While serving as mayor, Kelleen was approached to hang Pride flags on Main Street, and she agreed as she felt it was following the law and showing support for these kids. This incited complaints on Facebook and voicemails as Kelleen received the backlash. “The most offensive messages seemed to come from people who proclaimed to be the most religious, and used God‘s name to attack and threaten me.” Around this time, Kelleen knew of several kids in town who struggled with suicidal ideation, not having affirming support at home, which only increased her desire to keep the flags up and hope for some healthy conversations and education in her community.
The backlash made national news and caused many people in town who had been Kelleen‘s prior supporters to not post her campaign signs the second time around. Kelleen was asked if she realized she might lose reelection over this and she said she would happily die on that hill, politically; and indeed, she says her support for the flags, along with a few other issues, led to her losing reelection by 64 votes.
Kelleen harbors no regrets though, saying, “Those kids needed our support. They are so afraid. We have a whole community who knows nothing about LGBTQ issues except what they’ve read in the Miracle of Forgiveness, but the core teachings presented there are not true or healthy. Especially for someone who is part of the LGBTQ community and who wants all the same things as others – family, love, connection. People in the church are speaking up as allies, but the core doctrine currently leaves no room.”
When Faye was in the hospital over those five months, Kelleen increasingly struggled at church to teach Relief Society and Gospel Doctrine lessons on topics she found problematic--like the Family Proclamation. Once, while watching general conference as a family, Daniel walked in and slammed off the TV, shouting, “PTSD!” Kelleen says, “I didn’t realize the damage it was causing.” She did take advantage of the teacher’s podium, though, to share her son’s story and Elder Cook’s quote about LDS people needing to be more loving and compassionate to the LGBTQ population. She says, “Most people wouldn’t look at me after that lesson, though some whispered to me that they had a gay family member they loved.” The same week she gave that lesson, Kelleen was released from that calling.
Preparing for her own daughter’s upcoming hospital release, Kelleen decided she was not going to say, “Bye, Faye! Sorry I’ve got to go to church where you don’t fit in, and leave you here at home.” She deduced, “The people in church buildings here have people who support them. Those on the outside, like Faye, don’t. It’s almost like they are refugees, with no place to go. We need to honor them, even when they’re not attending, especially when they are not attending. We so often misunderstand people who don’t come to church because we think we know what’s best for them, but we have a lot to learn.” Shortly after Faye came home, a queer friend who had been close to Faye in the hospital tragically ended up taking his life.
Kelleen has since moved to Midway and is one of the few in her neighborhood who does not attend church, though she still has many close friends and family in the faith. When people tell her, “I’m sad you gave up church activity for this,” Kelleen says all she can think is, “Have you ever considered that perhaps this is my calling and purpose, and God is guiding me just like you?”
