It’s been a big two weeks for the Steele family of Nephi, UT. After her son Hunter’s Oct. 30th coming out Instagram post went viral throughout their community and beyond, Amie Steele says, “I feel like I’m now out of the closet.” While Amie had a couple years to process her son’s news privately, she is grateful to see him now standing taller after revealing a part of himself he’d kept hidden for so long. She’s also grateful for the past two years she’s had to process and learn.
Reflecting on Hunter’s upbringing, Amie says, “I honestly had no clue” about his sexual orientation. “Looking back, I can see little things. He cared about what he wore and liked to go shopping. He had an interest in modeling and my photography side business--he was different than our younger son, Presley (20), in those ways. But I didn’t really see any signs.”
Hunter (22) also loved to go hunting and camping with his father, Randy. He loved sports – basketball, football, and especially baseball. Level-headed and someone who “can always see both sides of an issue,” Hunter excelled at speech and debate. He was student body president of his high school and Amie, who teaches Special Ed there, says she loved watching him lead the school. “He was awesome. Hunter was always happy. He liked to please; he’s a giver.”
Toward the end of his senior year, Hunter received a mission call to Kennewick, WA and left that August. He loved his mission, and everything was going fine until about six months before he was supposed to come home. Suddenly, he found himself experiencing bad depression and anxiety, which Amie found strange as he was serving as AP in a trio with two of his favorite companions and in an area he loved. On his mission, he started therapy and then medication, but things only got worse. He ended up coming home three months early, and subsequently started school at BYU and got a job at the MTC. “He loved turning his mind to teaching; it was so good for him,” says Amie.
Still struggling with depression, Hunter began seeing a counselor and while he had no intention to come out, soon into his first session, he felt a nudge and that’s exactly what he did. He says, “It was one of the most healing experiences I have ever had. This was the first time I let down my walls with God and fully acknowledged that this part of me is real and something I cannot change.” Hunter then felt ready to tell his parents. He told Randy first while running an errand. Then he came home and said, “Mom, I need to talk to you.” Lying on his parents’ bed, Hunter revealed to Amie he’s gay. At the time, he said, “I don’t plan on sharing this with anyone else. I still want to marry a girl in the temple and have a family.” Amie says, “I think I reacted as good as one can – like ‘ok, I still love you.’ But I was shocked.”
Amie says afterwards they didn’t talk about it for three months, and she used that time to dig into books and podcasts and to study various research and viewpoints. This was a complex time, as she couldn’t tell anyone, including their oldest child, Rylie (26), who along with her husband Spencer and sons Harvey and Walter, were living with Amie and Randy at the time. After three months, Hunter was riding in the truck with his mom and said, “If you want to ask me any questions, I’m good to talk about it?” Amie says, “That opened the door to a lot of long, really good conversations about what he’d been going through and what it was like.”
Hunter had been trying to date girls, and before one blind date, he’d called his mom crying and said, “Will you pray for me?” Amie says, “That’s how traumatic the experience of trying to go on a date was.” Hunter had slowly confided to a few close friends at BYU, and they offered positive perspectives. Amie applauds the younger generation for being so understanding and nonjudgmental.
About six months later, Hunter felt ready to tell his siblings. Right before his brother Presley was about to leave for his mission, he and Hunter took a drive, and Amie recalls they returned, laughing. “Presley was good with it all; nothing changed.” Shortly after that, while the family was sitting around in their living room, Hunter texted his mom that he wanted to tell Rylie and Spence. Amie felt a blip of fear, wanting to protect him, but they, too, were so loving and protective. “Every time he tells someone the anguish he’s been going through hiding this, it’s so emotional and eye opening to me. I think it’s good for me to experience it with him so I can empathize,” says Amie.
While Hunter was gradually feeling more comfortable in his own skin, he still had low moments. In a very low recent dip, Hunter laid on the bed sobbing, thinking about his future. He could handle the day to day, but when he evaluated the big picture and what his life would like, it overwhelmed him. Amie says, “Hunter came to the conclusion that as badly as he didn’t want to share this publicly, he felt like God wanted him to. And he had to hit a low to see that. His motto all along was ‘With God.’ He’d say, ‘I don’t know how this is going to go or look, but as long as I do it with God, it will be okay’.”
Hunter felt it was time to go public, hoping his story might help someone else. But first, he wanted to tell their large extended family, who are close in proximity and socially. While riding to a monthly family dinner, he felt the presence of his deceased Grandpa Denny nudge him to tell his Grandma Linda, that “she’d be good with it.” While Amie says she’s the sweetest lady, she worried what she may say, being from an older generation. Amie and Randy joined Hunter in the living room and were so pleased to see Hunter’s grandma cover over and hug him and say, “Hunter, I love you. I’ll love anyone you love.”
“Before, I used to think, ‘Why do people have to tell?’ But that experience made me realize why – they’re hiding and pretending. I saw and felt the literal weight that lifted each time Hunter shared this,” says Amie. The Steele family went to dinner that Friday night at Cubby’s, and in a calculated move so he didn’t have to stand and make an in-person announcement once again, through his parents, Hunter shared a coming out video he’d made with all the relatives on both sides of the family. As his parents pushed send on the text, tears flowed from Hunter’s face. Amie asked, “Hunter, do you regret it?” He replied, “This person I’ve been (pretending) to be for 22 years—I feel like I’m saying goodbye.”
Riley was ready to pounce if anyone showed a lack of support for her brother, but gradually loving messages flooded in. Hunter was finally ready to fulfill his mission to be fully open. The following Sunday, Hunter gathered with his immediate family at home and said, “I want you to know how grateful I am for all your love and support–this is all I need, right in this room. But if this can help anyone, that’s why I’m sending it.” And then he hit send on his Instagram post.
“Hunter’s patriarchal blessing says he’ll influence people all over the world–but he was called to serve a stateside mission. And now we see—the messages he’s received, that I’ve received from moms. He’s had such a positive influence on so many people, including hundreds of missionaries he’s taught at the MTC. He shares his light, and has had nothing but positive reactions. But he has friends with stories of their families disowning them in the same situation. But then I see there are so many people reaching out, wanting to connect. Why don’t we talk about this more?” says Amie.
While Amie says she would not trade these experiences, there are times she has to battle an anger as far as the church goes. “It can be hard, like reading David Archuleta’s story. I don’t blame people who don’t stay–I can’t imagine how hard it would be.” Regarding the leadership of the church, Amie says, “They’ve come a long way. But these kids who love the gospel and Jesus and church and have gone on missions and served the church – there’s not a clear healthy path for them. You’re either alone your whole life or you break the commandments and leave. We need some answers and direction.”
When Hunter first told his mom about his orientation, she believed he might try to marry a girl and not tell anyone. But now she says, “I want Hunter to be happy. I hate the thought of him being alone. We are A-OK if he finds someone. We’ve seen with his mental health issues that the biggest cure has been him being able to be open about who he is. That’s been the best medicine.”
Amie advises all parents to watch how they communicate to their kids from a young age--to make it clear before ever necessary that their love is unconditional and to build a relationship of open trust. She says, “I wish Hunter could have come to us sooner, and we’ve always had a good relationship. I've had many times through this experience where I have been frustrated and went to God in prayer with a lot of questions. Although I haven't received all of the answers I would like, the one reassurance that I've received from God, and the thing I cling to is that God loves Hunter. That is the one piece of knowledge that helps me get through those hard, frustrating times. I've learned it's okay to have questions. it's okay to be frustrated. I've had to dig deep and really look at my testimony and what I know to be true. Because of this experience, my testimony is now more rooted in Jesus Christ. As a family we all try to live by Hunter's motto "with God" as we navigate this experience. God loves us unconditionally... The most important thing we can do as parents is to let our kids know that we love them, no matter what.”
