Many LDS parents of LGBTQ+ kids find themselves at a crossroads when their kid comes out. There, they might just encounter Evan Smith and his book, aptly titled, Gay Latter-Day Saint Crossroads. As a former bishop and counselor in a stake presidency who changed his own mind on things after ministering to those he served -- and even more so when his own son later came out, Evan knows quite a bit about this intersection. He has now written the resource he wished his family had been given many years ago, with hopes his family’s experience might help others.
Evan and his wife Cheryl reside in a town south of Boston, where Evan is an attorney and Cheryl runs a business that purchases, sells, and cares for competitive show horses. They are the parents of Wes (22), Owen (20), Laurel (18), and Karissa (14), who are each “wonderful and kind, and we couldn’t be prouder of who they are as people.” Wes shares his father’s love for the written word, and is an English major now finishing his first fantasy novel. (He also excels at e-sports.) And it is Wes’ story that planted the Smith family at this crossroads back in 2015, when at 16 years old, Wes told his parents he is gay.
At the time, Evan was serving as bishop of their ward. He recalls Wes had been depressed (and suicidal, his parents later learned) for over a year before then. “We knew something wasn’t right, but didn’t know how to help him because he wasn’t very clear with us about what was wrong. Due to some homophobic comments I had made while he was growing up, based mostly on my flawed understanding of how I thought God viewed gay people, he was scared to come out. Fortunately, I had another youth in our ward come out to me as bishop before this time, which softened my heart and inspired me to learn more about LGBTQ issues.”
After Wes saw his dad become more open-minded and lead ward discussions on LGBTQ issues, Wes finally felt comfortable confiding in his parents (and in his siblings). But it would be four more years before he came out publicly. After high school, Wes deferred his plans to attend BYU in order to serve an LDS mission. His mother Cheryl recalls, “I pleaded with him not to go. I knew it would be difficult for him to be submersed 24/7 in the church culture. I knew many would say hurtful things. I was worried about his mental health. I was worried about a lot of things. But to his credit, he loves Jesus Christ. He wanted to go to show his devotion.”
His family was thrilled Wes was assigned to the Brazil Curitiba mission, and Wes, who had always been especially bright and exceptional with language mastery (he speaks four), quickly stood out to his mission president for both his mastery of Portuguese and his adept administrative skills. But it only took two weeks for another missionary to find out Wes was gay, and that’s when the name-calling and chastising began. Wes stuck it out for another 18 months, serving with purpose and success under a leadership he loved, while battling insensitive and at times “ludicrous” commentary from many on the side. After years of praying about what path to take in life, he felt prompted one day on his mission to change his approach and instead just tell God that he was completely willing to live a celibate life if that’s what God wanted for him. The clear answer he got to that special prayer was to “go home, be happy, find a husband, and have a family” – the opposite of what he’d presumed, based on church teachings.
Upon his homecoming, Wes’ parents did worry how their son’s news would hit their area and the congregations in which he’d been raised, but Cheryl said, “We experienced an outpouring of love like I have never seen in my whole life.” However, shortly after that, Evan and Cheryl had a painful encounter with a General Authority. Evan says that unfortunately, “He made us feel like we had to choose between continuing to serve in the church versus openly supporting Wes. But we couldn’t feel sad about Wes’ choice to leave the church because we knew that decision was necessary for him to maintain good mental and emotional health and that he had received powerful personal revelation indicating he should leave.”
Since this meeting, everyone in the Smith family but Evan has stopped attending church. He explains, “Wes’ siblings don’t feel like they can stay, knowing they’re allowed to marry whomever they fall in love with, but Wes is not. And Cheryl has experienced real trauma from church leaders and from teachings that say some family relationships won’t endure after this life -- like the loving marriage between her non-member father and her LDS mother, or the eventual marriage relationship between Wes and his future husband.” Evan believes more members of his family might have avoided being as hurt by the church if the leaders would acknowledge in General Conference the plethora of changes in teachings that have already occurred in these arenas, and allow some ambiguity regarding the possibilities of future inclusivity in sealings and the afterlife as they await further understanding. Ultimately, he and Cheryl hope Wes finds love and happiness, just like they wish for all their kids.
In Gay Latter-Day Saint Crossroads, Evan presents his progressive stance, based on scientific findings, studies about the psychological harm caused by certain teachings, and quotes from church leaders that suggest future change is possible. “I hope my book functions as a handy resource for quick arguments that show how the church’s current position on gay sexual behavior may be more reflective of human prejudice than divine truth. While waiting for doctrinal change, we hope more church members continue to learn to be more loving toward LGBTQ people and that the stigma that often is attributed to LGBTQ church members who leave the church goes away. We hope more people learn to recognize that until the doctrine changes, God may actually desire that some (if not most) LGBTQ church members leave the church for their own mental health and well-being.” Evan has been pleased to see many bishops refer his book to families seeking resources as they embark on similar journeys. “Parents have told me it helped them see how they could celebrate their child being LGBTQ, regardless of whether they stay in or leave the church.”
Through all they’ve been through, the Smith family has grown closer than ever, and Evan clings to the principle “exemplified in Jesus’ ministry to the marginalized that it is more important to avoid breaking a person than it is to avoid breaking a rule. If we have to choose between the two, always choose to break the rule, not the person.”
“I have learned more about Christlike love by having a gay child than from anything else in my life. That has made the love I feel for everyone else so much richer, too. I have stronger motivation to love people for who they are, regardless of what they believe, than I ever did before. And I think that’s how our Heavenly Parents love us.” #liftandloveathome
Evan Smith’s book is available online (free download) and in paperback at gayldscrossroads.org. All proceeds received by the author will be donated to LGBTQ charities.
