Hadley Nielson stands out in a crowd – literally. At 6’4, the former UVU basketball star has dominated the court for most of her life; and since early childhood, she has been loved by all who know her in her hometown of Gilbert, AZ. “She’s confident in her own skin, unique, magnetic. She is the funniest person I know,” says Jennifer Nielson when describing Hadley, 23, the second oldest of her and husband Talan’s five kids. (Also pictured is Hayden – 25, his wife Casie, Griffin - 20, Lincoln – 16, Clover – 8, and Hadley’s fiancée, Rachel.)
Indeed, Hadley’s life was unique from the start. She grew tall quickly, and at a young age, was diagnosed with a connective tissue disease called Marfan Syndrome. Hadley also experiences double vision and ongoing back and joint pain. At the time of her diagnosis, Jennifer experienced a “disillusionment as to what you think your child’s life will be like.” Then at the age of five, Hadley was run over by a car, which redirected Jennifer to realize, “I don’t really care what she can or can’t do as long as she’s here with us.” The mother-daughter duo has been extremely close all of Hadley’s life, having spent much time together attending doctors’ appointments. Jennifer laughs that she assumed that the reason high schooler Hadley (who had plenty of friends) preferred staying home with her mom on weekends over pursuing dating or hanging out with “boy-crazy girls” was just “because I was such a cool mom.” Jennifer was always protective of her daughter, and scoffed when a stake leader once told her, “You should really be cautious letting Hadley play basketball, because lots of lesbians play basketball.” Jennifer thought, “My daughter’s a 6’4 high school girl; this has given her purpose and confidence. Why would this woman think she knows what’s better for my daughter than me?”
In her sophomore year of college, Hadley became very sick and struggled keeping food down. This time, their diagnostic journey took them to the Mayo clinic where they were told Hadley had Rumination Syndrome. She was put on feeding tubes for five months. Hadley went from playing ball on scholarship back to living at home with her parents.
It was during this time that Jennifer overheard a phone conversation in which she heard a flirtatious lilt in Hadley’s voice followed by an “I love you” to the person on the other line. That’s when Jennifer knew. Hadley had resisted coming out to her parents, not because she feared they wouldn’t still love her, but because she knew that once she came out, she couldn’t go back, and she didn’t want it to affect their close relationship in any way. Even as close as they are, she still feared they might disown her.
Jennifer immediately called her husband who was at Lake Powell, and he thought there had been a death in the family based on her crying on the other end of the line. Jennifer explains, “I was in the depths of mourning, not because I was angry with her, but because this daughter of mine had endured so much throughout her life and I thought, ‘Why this, too?’ Hadley told me, ‘I used to pray the Second Coming wouldn’t come because I’d in hell and you’d all be in the Celestial Kingdom without me.’ That was her belief system for so many years; and I had no idea. And based on her patriarchal blessing, I thought she’d be marrying a super tall Polynesian guy and I’d have these cute half-Poly grandbabies; it just never occurred to me that she might be gay. I was shaken, but I learned an important lesson that is now advice I share with others: when your child comes out to you, you need to give yourself the opportunity to mourn what you thought their life would be, and space to process as these are life-altering circumstances, but don’t make it about you – it’s about them.”
After Hadley had fully come out to her family and introduced them to her girlfriend, Jennifer says her health improved dramatically, leading her to believe that perhaps many of Hadley’s symptoms were stress-induced. Hadley had once surmised she’d probably just end up “a Mormon nun,” but she is thrilled to be engaged to her now-fiancée Rachel. Jennifer was delighted by the support of their extended family who had all planned to travel to Hawaii for their wedding last year before COVID altered the couple’s plans. They now plan to tie the knot next year.
A parenting payday for Jennifer occurred when Hadley told her, “Mom, you don’t know how much this means to me – your acceptance and love for Rachel.” Jennifer describes the couple as “very Christ-centered; they read their Bible together. Hadley’s never been bitter - she’s always loved Christ. She will attend her sister’s baptism or primary program, but she doesn’t want to be a part of an organization that doesn’t have a place for her. She has no agenda, she doesn’t need to prove anything. She just wants a great life, job, companion, family. The first time I called her a lesbian, she said, ‘No, mom, I’m just Hadley’.” Hadley graduated from college and now works at a financial firm where she is the youngest employee and has mastered seven requisite tests to be at the top of her game as financial advisor. “She is beloved by her superiors – she’s just a good, solid person who makes everyone feel loved and comfortable,” says her mom.
Clover’s first primary program after Hadley came out was a difficult experience for Jennifer. “While sitting there, I just realized how Hadley had invested so much time into this organization, but there’s no place for her in this space. I get frustrated because there’s a lot of ignorance, and I realize I was in the same place ten years ago, comparing being gay to alcoholism – calling it a ‘tendency’.”
These realizations pain Jennifer, as does the truth that, “The authorities and members of the church who speak out on this have had the luxury of both their church community and companionship. Until you’ve had to choose between the two, you don’t know what that’s like. You don’t have any expertise on that. To ask a human being to live their whole life without a companion? That’s just cruel.” And as close as Jennifer and Hadley are, another important discovery Jennifer’s made is that we are not meant to be our children’s companions. “We all need our person. I can be one of her people – but she needs her person. There are many paths to pursue, and many different perspectives, but everyone should have the opportunity to decide how they live their own life.”
Nowadays, encouraging resilience and authenticity are both a passion and a business for Jen, who as a humanitarian and Emotional Resilience Expert, is the founder of The Dig and Let It Glow -- programs that support people in removing blocks in order to seek peace and self-love along their journeys, wherever they may lead. An advocate for the underdog who has had to overcome much adversity herself, Jennifer has had to pivot along her own path frequently.
“I’m not angry, I don’t want to divide myself from my religious community. I realize most people fall in the middle place -- they want to love, accept, understand. Two polarizing communities have represented these groups for so long, so I’m grateful for groups like this (Lift & Love) that work to build bridges of understanding.” For Jennifer, it’s so easy to lift and love her daughter, Hadley. “I will always choose my daughter; she comes first. People often say how lucky Hadley is to have such loving and supportive parents, but they have it backwards. We’re the lucky ones. It’s a privilege to be her parent. I thought I was evolved and understood unconditional love before, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I have learned so much through her and this experience. Hadley emanates true Christlike qualities without ever wanting or needing recognition. Hadley is love. I want to love like her. She is an example to me. If I want to look to someone who is a special, unique person – she is without guile. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know that love always wins.” #liftandloveathome
