CONTENT WARNING- SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM
“Absurd times call for absurd amounts of love.” This quote is prominently displayed on Piper Riddle’s Facebook page and it only takes about two minutes with Piper, a school principal in Heber City, UT, to see that she is expertly trained and positioned to deliver the absurd amount of love needed in her home and community.
Piper and her husband, Rod, have four children who have opened their hearts to the many hues of expansive love. Their oldest daughter, McKay (26) is married to Aaron and they are the parents of two little boys. On being a grandma, Piper gleams, “You cannot oversell it. It’s the best.” Piper and Rod’s oldest son, Lander (24), was diagnosed with Asperger’s in elementary school and was the first to expand the family’s views on many concepts including mental health, neurodiversity, and their family’s place in the church when he expressed his doubts regarding the faith in which he was raised. He has since sought truth and meaning in many religious ideologies. The Riddles’ third child, Lucy (she/her, 21) came out as transgender right before the age of 20 and is now “a brilliant and brave substitute teacher” in the very Wasatch County high school she struggled to attend as a teen herself as she battled anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Calvin (14) is a newer addition to the family; his adoption just became final in December 2022. The Riddles became his surprise foster parents over three years ago after getting to know him during Piper’s tenure as his principal at Heber Valley Elementary. Calvin had lived with many foster families in the county before Piper felt nudged to bring him home. “Raising Calvin has created an opportunity to expand our parenting skills, particularly for children who have experienced neglect and trauma.” The Riddle parents have come to an understanding that, while they continue to teach and guide their children to make healthy decisions, their children may not choose traditional paths. And the Riddle kids have indeed taken their parents on various paths they did not foresee.
Piper and Rod have been married for 29 years and raised their children in the same church in which they were both raised. Around the age of 15, Lander approached them and admitted he no longer believed the church was true and he was going to disengage. Piper says, “Lander is a really good kid; he’s kind and quirky, and has always struggled with depression and anxiety. The church just wasn’t working for him.” This was the beginning of Piper and Rod seeing the church and its membership in a broader context, which helped prepare them for what would happen eight years later.
In 2021, Lucy, who was assigned male at birth, approached her parents and said, “I’m a girl; I know it doesn’t make sense to others, but it does to me.” They didn’t necessarily see this coming, though they knew she had struggled over the years with depression and body issues. Once Piper learned about body dysmorphia, she finally understood. Piper says Lucy had friends in elementary and middle school, but as high school came and people sorted out their social cliques, Lucy found herself alone and struggling. “She was a sharp dresser and people assumed she was a gay male; this was frustrating to her.” Lucy’s depression peaked through her teen years.
Though Lander had stopped attending church, Lucy was actively engaged in church activities throughout high school. Piper says, “She was a believer. And she was doing all the things she thought everyone wanted her to do.” This included getting her patriarchal blessing from her grandfather, as well as being set apart as an Elder in the church. She was following the track. Piper describes the moment their child stood to be sustained in their ward as an Elder as an awkward moment, because quietly, they knew she was starting hormone therapy. Piper admits thinking, “Oh my gosh, we’re going to get struck down. Yet, Lucy really wanted to do this and she knew it was important to Rod and she didn’t want to disappoint him.“ Rod had been excited about this progression for their child in the church, as their oldest two children had not prepared to serve missions. Piper describes Rod as pretty traditional and says it takes him time to not see things as so black-and-white. Of Lucy’s transition, Piper suggests Rod may have wondered whether Lucy was going through a phase or if this would stick—maybe getting the priesthood would change her mind?
The same Sunday that Lucy was set apart as an Elder, she gave one priesthood blessing—to her father, at his request. Piper said it was very emotional, as Lucy was able to express some powerful sentiments that would have been difficult to say face-to-face. Of witnessing the blessing, Piper thought, “I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but it is what it is. I thought at that moment, if nothing else – for Lucy to have this heart to heart with her dad and express things that were tender to her and to give assurances that Rod needed to hear, then perhaps this is what they both needed. After that blessing, Lucy said, ‘That’s the only blessing I’ll ever give.’ People at large might judge us for Lucy’s ordination, but we navigated the situation as best we knew how, given the timing of the circumstances.”
Lucy’s transition has taken the Riddles on an educational path together as Lucy is now transitioning under the medical oversight of doctors at the University of Utah transition clinic where Lucy says the “doctors have been amazing.” She also has “a great therapist” through Flourish. Piper says, “It’s important to Lucy and to us that she is fully informed as she works through this. I’ve been glad she has taught Rod and me so much about gender and gender identity – the various layers and how gender and sexuality are separate and more complex than we first understood. She’s learned a lot and we’ve learned a lot through her. It’s helped us be more accepting of everybody.”
Piper continues, “When people say, ‘I don’t know how you support a child who is transitioning; that must be so hard,’ I think, no–hard is going to bed every night not knowing whether your child will be alive in the morning. In high school, Lucy experienced cutting and suicide attempts. This space, where our daughter is finding joy and self-acceptance, is way better than the many years of worrying about her self-harm.”
Piper grew up in Boise, Idaho where she felt people could be loved for showing up as themselves in her home ward, and she says the Utah culture in which they’ve raised their kids for the past 24 years has been different than the acceptance she felt as a youth at church in Boise. While Piper and Rod have both had leadership callings over the past 18 years they have been in their ward, they now sense they are the subject of ward council conversations. The bishopric recently asked the Riddles if they would like to include Lucy’s “preferred name” on the church roles. Piper thought, “Lucy is not her ‘preferred name,’ it’s now her legal name. And if I asked Lucy her thoughts, she’d probably say, ‘Just take my name off the rolls.”
Piper continues, “This has all made me want to carve space for people not having to define where they’re at in regard to their church membership. I can have a close relationship with my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ that may or may not be reflected in my attendance at church. Currently we attend church sporadically and get a lot of ‘Oh, I’ve missed you,’ which is nice, but it can sometimes be a lot.” She explains there are moments at church that trigger sensitivity, like a deacon passing the sacrament, which draws the memory of the first time Lucy, as a young deacon, passed the sacrament to President Uchtdorf, who was visiting their ward—an experience the family always thought was so neat and cool. But this memory now pains Piper, knowing there is no longer a place for Lucy in the church. “And then there’s those well-meaning friends who say, ‘That’s not true. Have you read this? There are so many things ‘they’ can do.’ And I think, but there are so many things ‘they’ can’t. And the fact that they will always be ‘they’… in a gospel that’s all about change and evolving progression, it seems ironic that we can be so absolute about mortal things… I feel there’s so much we simply don’t know.”
Many in Piper and Rod’s extended families have also struggled to understand Lucy’s transition. Both Rod’s and Piper’s parents have questioned their parenting choices and one has linked their children’s depression to being in the “grips of Satan.” This has obviously been painful.
At the same time, there are also members of the extended families that do understand: Piper’s aunt is a lesbian and the Riddle children have nonbinary and bisexual cousins. Of those who don’t understand, Piper says, “There are those who might say that ‘so many LGBTQ coming out is a fad.’ I think the truth of the matter is that this generation is willing to be brave and authentic, even if it’s uncomfortable for themselves and other people.”
Coming from a difficult background of his own, Lucy’s adopted brother Calvin had no problem accepting her transition and was one of the first to start using her preferred name and pronouns regularly. Calvin has questioned the existence of God before to Rod and Piper, by asking how a loving God would have allowed him to go through all the difficult things he did as a child. Piper replied, “I know there is a God, because how else would you have become part of our family?” She believes God’s hand was involved in Calvin’s placement and adoption, just as His hand has been felt in many of their unique experiences as a family.
Of their approach to parenting a variety of children with different viewpoints and experiences, Piper says, “Rod and I didn’t do anything but provide a safe space for people to live authentically. I’m not going to have a missionary child and I’ve made peace with that. I have kind children who make positive contributions to the world. The expectations we once had while raising our kids in the church might not come to fruition, and that can’t be where I find my self-worth. Rod and I believe that our children’s worth and our value as parents cannot be dependent on our children’s outcomes. Yes, we love seeing them do good, but we also love them when they take unexpected paths – much as we believe our Heavenly Parents do.”
She continues, “I go back and forth in regards to whether I want to leave the church. I know I don’t want to distance myself from Christ’s gospel. What’s sure for me is my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I believe Christ’s gospel aligns with our family values… At the end of day, our call is to love. Our responsibility is to leave space for people to be present and not have to question whether or not they’re an accepted member of a ward family. I yearn for a space where people aren’t labeled inactive or falling away--a space in which it’s ok for people to be in these undefined spaces in relation to their church membership, and that the only definition they need is to be a child of God.”
