A pivotal moment for the Kilpatrick family happened at a McDonald’s drive thru. Katie Kilpatrick had made driver’s seat concessions for years to pass along the request for a “girl toy” with the happy meal for her youngest child, who had been assigned male at birth. It was always just easier to honor the plea. F, (she/her and now 15), had after all insisted that she was a girl since she was 18 months old. And this wasn’t hard for her parents to believe, based on the evidence. She always opted to play pretend as a female character. She identified as all the Disney princesses. Every self-portrait their toddler drew presented herself in the feminine form. So despite their traditional upbringings in the LDS faith, Katie and her husband of 25 years, Don, had no problem sneaking a baby doll or two into the cart of holiday gifts for their youngest “son.” But the holidays always brewed a little stressful as cultural and church norms pressured them and others to refrain from giving little F the milieu of pretty, pastel Christmas gifts she desired. And now, once again she was requesting the “girl toy.”
But this time, Katie eyed her child in the back of her minivan as F slid down in her seat to where the McDonald’s cashier would not be able to see her short hair and recognize her assigned gender. F had now turned the age where one meets shame, a feeling her parents had been battling themselves the past few years. Katie said, “What are you doing back there?” F replied, “If they see what I look like, they’re not going to give me what I want.” This was a moment of reckoning for Katie. Straightening in her own seat, Katie said, “No. Sit up. You should be able to get what you want. Toys don’t have a gender. It’s a toy, and nothing’s wrong with playing with a toy. Nothing.”
This realization propelled the Kilpatrick family to move forward with not only acceptance but resolve. On their new trajectory, they began to find and feel support as friends recommended the LGBTQ+ parent Facebook site, “I’ll Walk With You,” and Richard Ostler’s “Listen, Learn and Love” podcast, where they devoured the stories of so many other families with transgender kids. Katie found these resources immensely helpful as, “We didn’t know anyone else in our area going through this, even with gay children. It was a very isolating feeling. We were only ‘out’ to a few friends in our ward and we feared what those in our ward would do.”
While church could be an uncomfortable place for F with the gender divisions and expectations, and her parents frequently found her sneaking out of Cub Scouts to join the Activity Day girls, Katie said most of their ward members had known and loved F since birth, so they accepted her for the quirky kid she was. This included cheering her on at the Pinewood Derby events where her car creations included a more gender-neutral Sailor Moon car or a pink and purple popsicle car. For the ward Halloween parties, the Kilpatricks negotiated with young F that perhaps instead of dressing as a princess, she could dress as the character from a favorite movie, Coraline. More compromises were suggested with Sunday fashion by instead of wearing a full pink suit, maybe F could just wear a purple dress shirt with a pink tie.
When F was around 9 or 10, a well-meaning Cub Scout leader wanted the troop to all dress in matching dark pants and shirts to play the bells for the ward Christmas Sunday program. Katie says this leader loved F, but “wasn’t ready for certain things,” like her desire to wear a black skirt to join the other boys up front. At the time, F had already been growing her hair longer and her parents were using hair clips to pull back her bangs from her eyes. F acquiesced with the Scout leader’s request, but Katie says, “She got the message through various means at church she couldn’t be herself. We started seeing this kid who was excited about church and participating in Sunday School change to someone who was no longer comfortable being herself with the people she had known her entire life.”
In the third grade, the Kilpatricks received a call from school that F wanted to change her email address to reflect the name she had chosen to go by in class to F, a name she had apparently picked out with some friends in the schoolyard. The principal was happy to see Katie and Don supporting their child, but Katie says, “It was not so easy for us to come to terms with having a trans kid. But after many conversations with her, we were coming to that conclusion. Fortunately, we had supportive teachers and a principal who worked with us to make it a good experience.” Soon after, they got another call that F was having a bad day and had made a remark at school about hurting herself and another student. Her parents were asked to pick up F and see a therapist before bringing her back. This became a positive experience as they found an “awesome therapist who didn’t make it all about being trans, but helped F learn to speak up, claim the life she wanted, and make healthy decisions to boost her self-esteem,” says Katie, who appreciated the tools F gained to become more forthcoming. Katie and Don likewise learned skills that helped them overcome being part of the shaming process.
F returned to school, where she gradually began to dress more feminine on a consistent basis. At home, she could completely be herself around her older siblings, who are now 22 and 19, and who have been supportive. The pandemic of 2020 afforded F a reprieve from in-person church, which was becoming more difficult. When their ward started to go back with provisions, Katie, who was the Relief Society President at the time, sent an email to the 20 families they’d be congregating with to let them know that as they hadn’t seen each other in awhile, one of the Kilpatricks “would look a little different from before” and requested that people used F’s preferred name and pronouns. Katie says most honored the request, though she received one reply from a member who said she refused to do that. Katie’s response? “Ok, please just don’t talk to my kid then.” Katie gradually learned to replace her fears with boldness as she advocated for her child. By the time the whole ward was back in session, everyone knew and the clerk had changed F’s name in the ward directory, though kept her gender marker to what was assigned at birth. Katie recalls F’s peers were fine with the changes. “Some ignored her, but it wasn’t a big issue. They all knew and accepted her for who she was, and Primary became easier. She was happy about going to church then.”
And then, the year F would turn 12 approached. Katie spoke with the Young Women’s president, who made it clear she’d welcome F fully into the girls’ program, including at girls camp where it was already the plan for all the campers to have separate tents, so “there would be no worry about sleeping arrangements if anyone’s concerned.” While their bishop had previously announced himself as an ally to the Kilpatricks, at this time, he intervened and concluded “after taking it as far as he could go,” that F would not be able to participate in Young Women’s. The Kilpatricks are still unsure whether this meant he’d just talked to the stake leaders or Salt Lake, but it saddened them to hear F would not be welcome in any gender divided activities or meetings if she opted to present as female. It was suggested her parents could take turns driving her home early or sit in the hallway with her during YW and YM on Sundays. As Katie was still the RS President, she decided she’d just take F with her, “and that was that. So this little 12 year-old girl was coming to Relief Society with all these older ladies, which didn’t feel appropriate, but we made it work.”
Fellowship proved difficult, as F also couldn’t join the weekly girls’ gatherings to do fun things like make cupcakes where one builds relationships and friendships. F began to feel ostracized to the point where she didn’t have anyone she could call her friend. Around this time, the bishop had a change of heart and suggested they take it to the ward council to see if all might be on board with her attending YW. Katie now says, “I’ll never again be a part of a ward council where my family is the subject of discussion.” But every auxiliary leader intoned that of course, she’d be welcome at Young Women’s. One of the counselors in the bishopric said, “This is the same kid I taught in Sunbeams; we love her, of course she’s welcome.” A father of a child with disabilities in the room expressed how we don’t always know the package our kids are born into, and suggested they make any accommodation they could for all kids. The bishop concluded he’d talk to the young women’s families, and if all were ok, F could attend. Two days later, Katie got a call in which the bishop expressed he’d rescinded the offer and they would be maintaining the status quo as they “didn’t have unity among the families.” Katie was grateful she’d never mentioned the possibility to F, but the blow struck her hard. While she told the bishop she’d continue to “be faithful and lean in to his decision,” Katie found herself feeling cynical about church and some of her ward members. That bishop soon after moved into a stake role, and his replacement also did not budge, despite his wife having been a part of the ward council (she was Primary President at the time) where she had supported F’s attendance with the Young Women. The Young Women’s President at the time was also unhappy about the exclusive runaround, and Katie recalls some youth said they were going to protest the decision. “If unity is what they were going for, it wasn’t happening. And it wasn’t helping people’s testimonies.”
Fellowship lingered on the minds of Katie and the YW President. As it was suggested that the 18-year-old female youth start to be introduced into the women’s organization, it was decided one would come each week to RS to sit next to F so she didn’t have to sit alone. One Sunday, a member of the new bishopric walked by and asked why this was going on. Soon after, the Young Women’s presidency who had been so supportive of making F feeling included was released. Feeling the lack of belonging, eventually, F stopped coming. Katie and Don gradually stopped feeling the spirit at church themselves, and Don would describe that time as “white knuckling it through church,” as they felt less inclined to bond with a community who had made things so difficult for their child. Katie passed along Richard Ostler’s book to leadership and was met by a stake president who said he didn’t know of any other families in their Detroit, Michigan-based stake who had an LGBTQ child. To this, Katie thought, “In metro Detroit? Really? Hmm.”
Over zoom, Katie asked to be released from the calling where she’d been serving for over three years as Relief Society President. Don soon after met up with their bishop, and over donuts, told him the Kilpatricks were now all struggling with their mental health and would be taking a break from church. (Their older kids had already stopped attending as well, for various reasons.) By this time, Katie did not feel she could honestly answer the temple recommend questions and agree to support leaders who had so deeply disappointed their family and missed the mark of what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about. She reflected back on an impression she’d had once, when the loving Young Women’s president who had tried so hard once asked, “How can we help meet F’s spiritual needs?” Katie had felt the words, “Her needs will not be met within the walls of this building.” At the time, she felt sad about that, but by this time, Katie felt peace in the realization that God knew and was ok with F. But the LDS church would not be her path.
On their break from church, Katie and Don went back a couple times, but the painful feelings resurged and proved too overwhelming. Instead, Katie decided to increase her involvement with Equality Michigan, and the Kilpatricks became involved with a support group within their school district for parents of LGBTQ students. There, they met a gay father who told them about Christ Church Cranbrook, an Episcopalian church that opened their arms to all. Katie didn’t think much about it, but as the holidays approached, Don expressed how he missed the faith part of the holidays. He asked, “What if we go to Christmas mass at Cranbrook?” The two got dressed and attended. Katie says, “It was beautiful, and to hear the choir and have that feeling again that was not marred by all the other feelings of not belonging was really nice. It was a great sermon and really wonderful.” Katie says she and Don are now “like good Mormons, attending the Episcopal church every Sunday and signing up for all the activities.” They express reprieve in the “warm, welcoming environment with a diverse congregation where the standards of worthiness are not ‘do you drink coffee and wear a tank top,’ but ‘are you kind to your neighbor and standing with the marginalized’?” Katie says, “It makes me sad we can’t have these experiences in LDS congregations. We’re missing out on so much.” Christ Church Cranbrook is led by three pastors, one a woman, and Katie likes how, “We’re welcome regardless of what we do and can participate at every level… No one’s garment checking. It’s a whole different experience of belonging and support.”
F, now 15, does not choose to attend any church and isn’t sure anymore about God. After a rough middle school patch, she now attends a high school that is LGBTQ friendly. She loves to follow designers; and an excellent artist, plans to go into fashion herself.
The Kilpatricks have opened up to new perspectives as they have reconstructed along their faith journey. Listening to new perspectives of Bible stories has healed some of the wounds of the past. Katie once was taught to see the story of Jesus flipping tables at the temple to represent how Jesus doesn’t like sinners, a way to justify religious anger. But now, she sees it as a story of Jesus becoming angry that money changers were barriers to the temple. “What Jesus was mad about were the barriers that were being placed between the people and God. God loves you no matter your ‘worthiness level.’ There isn’t a checklist of things you have to do or be to feel his love and receive the gifts of the spirit. When we talk of worthiness now, it’s not about what you wear, eat, drink, or sustain. It is about what you do with the gospel, how you treat others, how you love others, how your relationship with God is. I am already worthy of his love. I don’t have to qualify that. I can focus my time and efforts on how to reflect that love back to others, not trying to endlessly measure myself against a stick of perfection.”
Of her newfound Sunday whereabouts, Katie says, “I don’t know if it’s the answer to everything in my life, but It’s been a healing process to work through and a safe space to rediscover my relationship with God. I don’t know if the Episcopal church is for everyone, but I think it is important to find a community that values diversity, that has found a way to love without qualifiers, that listens with the only intent to provide support…that has made a big difference. Because of our child’s bravery in being authentically who she is, members of our family have felt open to be authentic with us about who they are. We were able to attend my sister-in-law’s wedding and meet my brother-in-law’s partner of 11 years. The photo of her wedding is a reminder that God wants us to be who he created us to be. I think that is what ’entering into God’s joy is about.’ God loves us just as we are and when we get close to that, we get close to God.”
