For any parent, the subject of coming out is a tricky conversation to have with your teen daughters. But for Jon Rogers of Idaho, the person needing to come out was him. Two years ago, the 42-year-old married father of two decided, under the weight of some personal events in his life, that it was finally time for him to share the news that he is gay with his daughters, after having just recently told his wife. In the same family discussion, he also shared that he and their mom would be getting a divorce, making this “the most difficult conversation of my life, seeing the heartbreak and tears in my daughters’ eyes is still so hard to think about today,” says Jon.
The past two years have been “filled with hurt, mourning the loss of our family unit, healing, and also hope” as Jon has come to embrace this part of him and live with a sense of authenticity that he says many others in his situation have never been encouraged to pursue. Jon has observed and admired the many younger LGBTQ+ people who are nowadays often highlighted in social media “which is great, and a product of where we’re at in society, where younger people feel more comfortable being themselves.” Jon also boldly shares his truth and story now, with hopes he can be a support to others like him who were born in a different era.
Growing up in the 80s and 90s, “being gay was very much not accepted,” says Jon. “It was considered a choice, and a wrong one. It was something shunned by church and society in general.” Jon grew up in a very loving, conservative, and active LDS family who “did all the things.” The Rogers went to church and mutual activities every week, watched every session of general conference, and had daily family scripture study and prayer. “I loved it—I still do,” says Jon. He says he’s “always been blessed with the spiritual gift of faith. I’ve never questioned the truthfulness of the church or any leader.” Jon recognizes this could appear confusing, as he is now living as an openly gay man who has gone through a temple divorce, and who now attends church with his boyfriend. But Jon says, “I don’t question the church. There are things we don’t know yet—maybe certain leaders have certain biases or have not had the whole plan revealed yet. We don’t know everything, but I believe there is more to come.” Jon says he has continually felt compelled to have patience through this journey. “It’s hard to understand why Heavenly Father hasn’t revealed more, when you see all the hurt and suffering people go through with this. But I try to rely on faith, trust, and patience. I believe Heavenly Father has so much more mercy than what we give Him credit for. He is more understanding and loving than we know, especially in this space, seeing how His LGBTQ children suffer so. That doesn’t always help in the day to day, but I hope and think everything will work out somehow.”
As a teen and into his adulthood, Jon says he never allowed himself to nurture thoughts that he was gay. He moved forward, believing that his only path was to marry a woman. He pushed away his attractions, and says he felt the shame, guilt, denial, and self-hatred brewing within, but was “scared to death to tell anyone anything and see that disappointment in their eyes.” Like many, Jon would pray nightly, in tears, “to remove this from me.” He wondered, “Why can’t I be normal?” Jon felt like he had the faith to make it happen, but says it never went away.
Jon attended Ricks College and served an honorable mission in Washington D.C. Before and after, he tried dating women, wanting the companionship he saw so many of his roommates and friends find, but he says he faced a lot of rejection while trying to date women. In April of the year he was 26, Jon met a woman he quickly grew to love, and they were married in the temple in December of that year. When his parents questioned the quickness of the romance, he reminded them they got engaged the week they met. “It runs in our family.”
Throughout his 16-year marriage, Jon says he never wanted to put his wife through the torment of his inner thoughts, hoping he could fix it with time. So, he stayed quiet. He says ultimately, it hurt her deeply that he had never felt like he could trust her enough to share. As a husband and father, Jon says he tried so hard to hide any sign he might be gay, trying to carry himself in an “extra manly” fashion. He verbally disparaged any gay themes in tv shows and music thinking if he could distance himself from it all, it would go away. He says this made it additionally hard on his girls, who were so confused when he came out, they had to then re-envision the father who had raised them.
After years of inner torment, before he could get to this place of being truthful about who he was, Jon first had to come clean with himself. This happened one night when he was cooking dinner. He had been listening to an interview with Al Carraway and Charlie Bird in which Charlie shared his coming out story. Jon felt the impulse to pray right there next to the stove to ask what his Heavenly Father thought of him being gay. He says he felt “God tell me He loved me no matter what and that I was created this way on purpose; I was not broken.” Jon dropped to his knees on the kitchen floor and cried. He had never prayed about this before (feeling it would be wrong to even think to do so, knowing the answer would be it’s wrong), and he says in an instant, “all the guilt and self-hatred I’d been carrying for years just vanished. I now have zero issues with being gay. I don’t care who knows it.”
Jon says coming out to his parents shortly after was another “scariest thing imaginable,” but he was overwhelmed with appreciation for their response. They told him several times they loved him and would support him no matter what. His mother mourned that she didn’t know how he could have gone that long, harboring all of this in secret, trying to still live the gospel. While Jon acknowledges waiting so long to come out was certainly difficult on his wife, kids, and parents, he credits the strength of his testimony as a positive byproduct. He’s not sure if that would have been different had he come out sooner. “Everything that’s happened has made me who I am today.” Jon’s two younger sisters and their families have also been supportive. (After coming out to them, one of his sister’s replied that she was not surprised.)
Prayer is now vitally important to Jon, who at age 44, says personal revelation is everything to him. He believes in recording the spiritual impressions he receives, a practice that he says increases the number of impressions that have come. When he doubts the nature of his spiritual confirmations, Jon returns to his notations and says every time, the flood of emotions of the original experiences comes back, confirming what he’s been told is true. One strong impression Jon had came after studying Exodus 14:14 during a Come Follow Me lesson. He was reminded that “the Lord shall fight for you, and you shall find your peace,” just as it had happened when Moses led his people to the Red Sea, which they had no idea how to cross. Jon says, “How often do we come across something so hard we don’t know how to get around it or go through it, and then the unthinkable happens? I’ve had that same experience, being gay in a relationship and in the church. But I’ve had the strong impression the unimaginable will happen.” Jon has had other experiences that confirm somehow, someway, in the next life, everything will work out. He trusts, “I was told to let go of my worries and give it to Him. He’s got this and loves me beyond anything I can comprehend. He is aware of what I’m going through.”
While Jon does not try to be prescriptive in any form to others his age on a similar journey, he encourages the gay friends he has in mixed orientation marriages to pursue personal revelation and follow whatever route is presented to them through prayer.
Jon now cherishes spending time with his girls every other weekend. They all still live in the same town in Idaho, about 15 minutes away from each other. Jon credits his ex-wife with how she has handled everything, though admits it’s understandably been very painful. The two have a cordial relationship now, always trying to put the girls first. Jon says he tries to be loving, patient, and understanding with how hard this has all been for everyone. Recently, the girls agreed to spend a weekend with Jon’s boyfriend and his family, which felt like a huge milestone. Now, he’s excited they’re planning more time and vacations together.
Jon met his boyfriend Nate through Instagram, after letting a friend know he was looking for someone who was of a similar age, background, and career status, and who was equally committed to the LDS faith. Jon says once the friend presented a picture of Nate, “I was done.” Nate had also come out within the last decade. Jon reached out on the same day he saw Nate’s picture and says not a day has gone by since that the two haven’t communicated or spent time together. Nate lives in Salt Lake City, and as Jon works remotely as a customer success manager, it’s easier for him to travel to Nate’s hometown for their dates. He says when they attend church together, “sometimes people fall over the pews to shake our hands and welcome us. They know we’re together; we’re not keeping it a secret. His ward is very welcoming.” Together, the two love traveling, hiking, playing games, doing Spartan Races, and Jon, along with Nate, is very dedicated to weightlifting. They both hit the gym six days a week to stay in good shape.
In his past relationships with women, Jon says it was always hard for him to feel comfortable being affectionate as “it didn’t feel natural,” but now, he says there is a night and day difference, and the two love holding hands and snuggling on the couch. Jon says they’ve each had “spiritual impressions that we’ve been led to each other and to keep going and have faith in this relationship. It’s been amazing.”
Jon appreciates how there is now so much more understanding for people in his situation than there was 20 years ago. “I understand that everyone will have their different paths, and it’s important people find theirs through personal revelation and prayer. For me, I knew I couldn’t be alone post-divorce, and I felt strongly directed in my path to then find companionship. It can be confusing and hard, and it’s easy for someone else to tell others what’s right and wrong. But I’ve come to understand grace and love, and the importance of personal revelation.”
