Sometimes it’s not what we say, but what we don’t, that makes the most lasting impression on our children when they come to us with important news. This was the case for Mandy Davis, who’s now grateful she held her tongue to just listen about a year ago when her daughter, Ella (then 14), joined her on an after-dinner walk. Their conversation went something like this:
Ella: Mom, what do you think about gay marriage?
Mandy: I think God loves all his children, and He wants all His children to be happy.
Ella: Good, because I think I’m bisexual.
And with that, Mandy’s head started spinning. As they walked home, she felt overwhelmed with a mix of emotions -- shock that her “girly girl” who she thought had childhood crushes on singers Brandon Flowers and Adam Levine might also like girls, love for her child trusting her with this news, and gratitude she had heeded a strong impression to not say some beliefs she held (at the time): that from a church standpoint, it was still a sin to “act on it” and while it is a hard burden to carry, it is just like other sins people struggle with. She’s really glad she felt prompted not to say all that.
Mandy and Ella had always shared a special closeness – the only girls in the large, blended Farris-Davis household that includes Ella’s step-dad, Brian, step-brothers Jesse (23), Justin (20), Jake (16) and Jared (14), and her biological brothers Jace (17) and Nash (11). So after hearing Ella’s confession, Mandy questioned why she’d never sensed this about her daughter, or had the impressions some parents of LGBTQ kids say they’ve had, before their kids came out. On their walk, Mandy asked Ella how she’d come to this conclusion. She responded, “Well, today in class I was talking with this girl, and I realized how cute I thought she was, and that I think I am attracted to her.”
“She thinks” were the words that lingered for Mandy. She took them home to her husband; Brian was also surprised. Mandy says, “It sounded so casual and sudden. How does a light switch just go on one day and you realize you’re bisexual?” Over the next month, Mandy broached the subject again with Ella, asking if she had thought more on her feelings. Ella responded she’d been researching other sexualities that might better fit her, unsure whether bisexual was the right identity (she’d eventually determine that her sexual identity is lesbian). Hearing this, Mandy struggled to understand: why would someone need to research their sexuality? How do you just not know how you feel? She started to question how real all of this was, and found herself giving space to some of the common fallacies people hold about kids discovering their sexuality, (many of which are addressed in Richard Ostler’s book Listen, Learn and Love, which Mandy highly recommends), including:
- Isn’t she too young to know she is gay?
- Don’t a lot of kids go through this “phase” because it is the cool thing to do, or they are just confused?
- Why would someone say they are bisexual, then later decide they are lesbian/gay?
- She had no “signs” of being gay; she seemed to have crushes in the past. How is it that she is now suddenly gay?
- Could this just be a reaction to processing the trauma and hardships she has experienced in life?
Mandy found herself dwelling on this last question, as did a few close family members once she told them about Ella. In a few short years, much had changed for Mandy’s kids. They experienced their parents’ divorce in 2016, challenges that came with merging families when their mom remarried, and witnessed their dad’s personal struggles that persisted after the divorce. When he passed away in his sleep in April of 2020, the kids were the ones who found him. Ella was extremely close to her dad and had always tried to take care of him, so Mandy says in her misconceptions about LGBTQ+, she thought maybe her daughter was just overwhelmed and confused about life.
The next few months brought some hard moments. Mandy said she could handle her daughter being lesbian, but she found herself constantly questioning, “Does she for sure know?” Ella also began losing her testimony and belief in God, but after watching her mom struggle with her oldest brother’s recent stepping away from the church, Ella agreed to keep going as to not rock the boat anymore. Mandy admits, “I know now that I didn’t handle everything as I should have. I was focusing on my own grief of lost futures and expectations and still trying to force Ella down the path I had envisioned for her, thinking ‘she can still be gay and participate in church’.” Mandy now acknowledges, “I didn’t truly understand at the time how difficult it is to be LGBTQ+ in the church -- to not be fully accepted and able to fully participate, to hear messages of how being LGBTQ+ is an ‘attack on the family’ or ‘influenced by Satan,’ and to hear persistent messages on temple marriage -- a blessing that she can never have.”
One Sunday, Ella asked to stay home from church to research and pray to find her own answers. She texted Mandy the scripture in Leviticus that is translated to refer to homosexuality as an “abomination,” and asked her mom, “How am I supposed to love a God who doesn’t love me?” Mandy’s heart shattered with these words. She became increasingly aware of just how difficult the church could be for families like hers. She says, “I’d also begun to experience anxiety while bracing myself for ill-informed comments and lessons on hard topics. And I have a solid testimony, so, I can only image how much harder it was for her.”
During the open house of the Mesa, AZ temple near their hometown of Marana, AZ, Ella broke down crying in the bride’s room, and again in the sealing room. It was in this moment Mandy knew without a doubt her daughter was gay, and Mandy fully understood that if Ella could never have all the blessings the church promotes without being asked to sacrifice true love and companionship, that the best thing for her emotional health was to no longer participate in the church.
Ella is now 15 and doing well. She shares her mother’s passion for history, books, music, and live concerts. She has a natural talent for music (piano) and art (drawing), and is often complemented on her music taste, loving everything from Led Zepplin, The Beatles, Weezer, Chopin, Frank Sinatra, opera, and Broadway musicals. Ella’s family has always admired her maturity, thoughtfulness, and introspection, and the confidence with which she approaches life, including in how she owns her sexual identity. While it took a minute for Mandy to wrap her head around it all, she has strived to show her daughter her full love and support.
After Ella came out, Mandy immediately purchased a rainbow bracelet which she wears constantly, and she has continued to add to her “rainbow collection” of apparel. On her piano is a display that includes a picture of Christ embracing children in rainbow robes, and a sign with rainbow hearts that says, “I’ll walk with you” that they made on Ella’s birthday this year. Mandy’s grateful for the family and friends who’ve shown immediate love and acceptance for Ella, including her conservative parents who’ve said, “We knew one day it was very likely we would have an LGBTQ+ grandchild or loved one. And we knew that we would love them, just the same as we always have.”
As she’s continued on her journey, Mandy felt stirred by words shared by Charlie Bird at a recent Lift and Love retreat. He said, “You cannot be a warrior without being willing to take battle scars.” She and Brian discussed how when you go into battle, you gear yourself up with armor – hers decidedly being the fruits of her endeavors to increase her secular and spiritual knowledge and relationship with God. Mandy has made efforts to overcome her fear of rejection in lieu of advocating and shining light on the LGBTQ community, to help people see how church members can do better. She hopes that in a restorative church that values ongoing revelation, that we will continue to study these issues via solid resources and ask questions – especially of those who walk different paths so that we can understand their experience.
Much like in a solid marriage where differences and disagreements occur, Mandy knows you can feel uneasy with diverse viewpoints, ask questions, and work out compromises while still supporting each other. Similarly, she feels we can sustain leaders as we work through difficult messages -- understanding that leaders encourage personal reflection, don’t claim perfection, and above all want us to love each other. Mandy says, “We don’t often allow ourselves (and others) to pray, think, and ponder, as encouraged by our leaders, on a topic and come to our own thoughts and conclusion. We love to have certainty, because without certainty we feel vulnerable. That need for certainty inhibits our faith, trust, and personal growth. It does not give room for hope. My wish is that we create space for everyone to express their struggles, disagreements, and differing viewpoints without questioning their devotion to the gospel and relationship with God. We can live and love the gospel while also having hope for change and faith in the ongoing restoration, acknowledging there are a lot of things that God knows that we don’t and are not yet ready for.”
Mandy says that while her path in life has been much more of a “zig zag” than a “straight and narrow,” she has never doubted God nor His love for her – a testimony that has only strengthened in the past year since that after-dinner walk last May. “Having Ella come out has increased my personal relationship with God, which has made all the difference in finding peace and knowing my child is exactly who He meant her to be. I have felt His guidance and received personal answers to my questions and struggles. Most of all, it has led me more towards developing the unconditional Christ-like love that I know God wants me to show to others.”
