Kim Crump of Hooper, Utah was a foot soldier in the LDS faith she embraced as a youth. She attended seminary and many times took herself to church alone as a teen. Kim married her high school sweetheart in the Logan Temple while her parents stood outside, waiting. A few years later, they followed the tried-and-true path of bringing three children into the world who went to Primary every Sunday, were baptized at 8 years old, and did temple baptisms for the dead as soon as they turned 12. Kim and Justin Crump paid their tithing monthly, accepted every calling asked of them, and were diligent in holding FHE, family prayer, and doing genealogy. General conference weekend was a special event in the Crump household, complete with treat bags, blanket forts, and a countdown until the prophet would take the podium. Kim valued her testimony and the church’s positions on family, saying, “If there was a model of an active, strong LDS family out there, we were it.”
So during 2008, when Prop 8 was on the ballots and blowing up talk radio airwaves, Kim had an unexpected experience while sweeping the sidewalk one afternoon. Contemplating the pundit she had just heard saying, “What are we going to do about ‘the gays’? What are we going to do to protect marriage?”, she felt a clearly articulated voice in her mind speak to her heart the words, “Kim, what if someday you have a child who is gay? What will you do?” Kim stopped sweeping and stared at the sidewalk. After some thought, she came to the conclusion that of course she would go on loving them. That moment was added to her file box to be brought to remembrance later.
Fast forward to December of 2018, when Kim’s middle child, Ben, who was 15 at the time, told his parents he was gay. At the time, they were heartbroken and full of worry. When Kim first sat down with Justin after Ben’s confession, she remembers the confused tears in her husband’s eyes as he talked of them not being a forever family anymore if Ben “pursued that path.” As Ben had not come out publicly yet, Kim found herself spiraling into a dark hole as she wrestled the news alone and plunged into a faith crisis. But she remembered that experience on the sidewalk, and the seed that was planted by the clear words whispered to her and the feeling to “just love them.” That experience helped her to understand Ben’s choice to walk away from the church because of his hurt and anger as members spoke of people like him as being “an abomination, broken, or less-than.” Kim also began to experience this hurt for herself and often found church meetings to be full of pain that often felt “like daggers to the heart.”
Nowadays, Kim is infinitely grateful for the experience of being Ben’s mother, and to have learned all that she has. She fully supports him in his path and rejoices with his happiness. She says she and Justin will eagerly welcome his future partner into their home much like Elder Christofferson’s parents unconditionally welcomed their son, Tom, and his partner to their home. Kim recognizes that she now feels a closeness and greater discipleship to Christ and a stronger faith in her Heavenly Parents but at the same time knows how church can be a place of continued hurt. Her testimony and beliefs have changed over the years and she has had to let go of things that she says just did not bring her or her family good fruits. She firmly believes that having Ben in their family is a gift that has allowed them to learn and love more than they ever felt possible.
Kim has found many things to help her along her journey including community and support on the Facebook LGBTQ parent support site, “I’ll Walk With You,” where she joins thousands of other families in what they feel is a great work coming to pass. While Kim, Justin, and their youngest child, Kelsey—13, still attend church, their oldest child, Kaylee—22, has joined Ben in stepping away due to her feelings about the church’s discriminatory LGBTQ and patriarchal policies. Kim, who has volunteered at the Mama Dragons booth before at the SLC Pride March and offered mama hugs to kids who needed them, says, “Hate and fear are real and people resort to extremes. All we can do is advocate for our children, pray, and educate those in our neighborhoods, congregations, and families as we strive to be latter-day stone catchers.”
While Kim waves a Pride flag near her sidewalk this month, she says going to church can be really hard. “I get treated differently. Some friends don’t talk to me anymore. I’ve made peace with it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me most days. If conversations go sideways in church classes, I’ll bring it back around. I always bear testimony that Ben is one of the greatest blessings in our lives, which usually leaves perplexed looks on members’ faces.”
Most important to Kim is that Ben knows how she feels and that she would choose him first if it came down to it. A few years ago, after reading the Trevor Project’s statistics on suicide (that children with at least one accepting family member are 40% less likely to die by suicide), Kim realized her own son was experiencing psychological turmoil and needed to know that he had her full support. “Once I let him know that, he completely did a 180. The tormented Benjamin I was seeing, who wasn’t acting like the son I knew, melted away and he became himself again.” As Ben came back to life, Kim says he was able to have a wonderful high school experience as a near 4.0 student who excelled on the debate team. He found a tribe of supportive friends and attended his prom with another LGBTQ student. Kim was surprised but supportive as he chose to wear a dress and heels to the dance. Her Facebook post after helping him apply his make-up for prom included a proud picture along with the words, “I’ve come a long way.”
Ben just finished his first year at the University of Utah and is excited to pursue his dream of becoming a lawyer. He loves shopping and often has more friends that are girls than guys. He keeps his dating life on the downlow, but Kim says, “I’m very interested and want to hear about it when he’s ready to share.” She credits him as being one of the most thoughtful and loving people she knows, the type of kid who would sew her stuffed hearts as a child and who buys Valentine's gifts for all his friends and gets his Christmas shopping done in July—“always thinking of others.”
Because of her own history of being deeply entrenched in LDS doctrine and practices, Kim tends to understand when others are slower to learn or grasp what she’s experienced. Justin is on his own path with Ben. Even though his path looked different from Kim’s, she says he is coming along nicely, step by step. Kim says, “I think it can sometimes be harder for dads than moms when their sons come out, and I recognize that it may not be easy for them, and they just need grace and time.”
Regarding her congregation, she says, “Sometimes people show up ready and expecting to mourn with me, but I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. I want them to know the amazing Ben that I know--that he’s a fantastic person and is going to do wonderful things. I’m so happy and proud to be his mom.” She recognizes that even five years ago, there weren’t the resources that are available now in the church and online to help people learn and understand.
For parents in similar situations who may be struggling to process, Kim highly recommends seeking the help of a life coach. After hearing Jana Spangler on a podcast, she knew that’s what she needed—the help of someone affiliated with the church who could help her build a productive tool box to navigate a faith crisis. She says going through a faith crisis “is about as wanted as someone on an island wanting a tsunami to hit their town. No one wants it or searches for it, but it comes and shakes your world.”
Now Kim recognizes new meaning in the scripture, “A little child shall lead them.” She was pleasantly surprised at her youngest daughter’s response of acceptance and love to Ben coming out. After taking then 8-year-old Kelsey to a gay cousin’s wedding in 2018, Kelsey seemed surprised and a little disappointed to not see a dolled-up bride at the end of the aisle. This was a discussion that Kim was not ready to have but felt clearly it needed to happen. She explained to Kelsey that sometimes two boys fall in love and decide to get married. Because of this discussion and experience, Kim was later able to more easily explain to Kelsey that Ben was also gay and that he might have a similar wedding like the one we went to previously. But by then, Kelsey’s response was along the lines of, “Oh ok, what’s for breakfast?” Kim says, “My kids are leading me in ways I never imagined. Others might look and think, ‘That’s not from God’. But I think my kids are taking me by the hand and saying, ‘Mom, this is how you do this or that, this is how you love and accept people. I’m in debt to them for having patience with me on this journey and answering my questions. They know my heart and are so willing to help me along.”
