Shortly after Michelle Fogg turned 20, she became active in the LDS church and
received her patriarchal blessing. In it, she was blessed she’d have children “who will be
special to the Lord” -- verbiage she found odd at the time, as she presumed all children
fit that category. She wondered what might lie in store; and indeed, many unique
experiences have come as Michelle and her husband, Steven, have expanded their
family to include five children currently between the ages of 4 and 17.
The Fogg children have a range of severe food allergies, rare medical disorders, mental
health diagnoses, and giftedness. Emalee, now 17, was born with an array of medical
problems that launched science-minded Michelle on a 10-year journey into the food
allergy world. Michelle started a non-profit and advocated for kids like hers in front of
legislatures, created trainings for school nurses, served on national boards, and
promoted education and safety for kids with life-threatening allergies on a local level. A
decade of advocacy took its toll, and Michelle ultimately felt prompted to step back and
center her care efforts in the home.
It was soon after this time that her oldest daughter, Emalee, then 15, invited her mom to dinner to tell
her, “I like girls, instead of boys.” Saying these words brought Emalee tremendous relief. While this
news rocked Michelle’s world, there was some relief that she was now in a place in which she could
pivot to a whole new category of parental love, support, and understanding. Michelle shared their
daughter’s news with Steven, and together, they agreed to make it a top priority to continue to love
and support Emalee, while pursuing further education and understanding. This time, however, Steven
begged Michelle to not make their family a poster family for LGBTQ advocacy – not because they
didn’t support their daughter, but because of the lingering PTSD from allergy-world exhaustion.
Almost three years later, crediting the crucial connection and perspective she gained from listening to
other people’s stories (mostly via Ostler’s Listen, Learn, and Love podcast), Michelle trusts it is the right
time to share the signs and preparation she received along her daughter’s special journey. Because
there were plenty.
The first happened when Emalee was ten. Michelle picked up a phone her daughter had
set down to discover the search engine contained the words “Can you be Mormon and
gay?” At eleven, Michelle received a phone call from the mother of one of Emalee’s
friends at school, who shared that her daughter had received a flower from a girl
(Emalee) who she made a point to refer to as her girlfriend (not her friend who is a girl).
Michelle and Steven had a talk with their daughter at that time and made some fear-
based comments (they would later rethink), operating off the valid concern that their
daughter might become a social pariah in their conservative Salt Lake City, UT
neighborhood. On top of all the other medical issues that were already making her
daughter’s life difficult, Michelle followed a prompting to transfer Emalee to a charter
school. This fresh start ended up being a good move socially. But they also watched as
Emalee fell into a deeper depression throughout middle school – withdrawing more at
home, dealing with major anxiety, no longer wanting to go to her church classes or at
times, even leave her bedroom.
Michelle prayed about what to do to help her now 8th grade daughter, who she
assumed was suffering from years of medical challenges. That fall, she felt led to
explore some of Emalee’s school work in Google Docs, where she found a writing
assignment in which Emalee talked about being gay, being afraid to tell her parents,
and fearing they would disown her because of their religious beliefs. Michelle didn’t
confront Emalee at this time, but filed the experience away in a growing file she wasn’t
quite ready to deal with.
The next spring, while in the temple, Michelle was pleading with God about what to do.
In her dressing room after a session, she felt a strong, clear presence – as if someone
was standing there and speaking loudly, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Michelle
burst into tears and took comfort in the understanding that God was in charge, and that
He loved and could help Emalee more than her parents ever could. It was their job to
just be still and trust Him.
It would be another couple years before Emalee and Michelle’s revelatory dinner date.
Up until that point, Michelle said she had always been a box-checking member who
questioned how anyone could ever leave the church for any reason. After the November
2015 exclusion policy, Michelle remembers thinking, “I’m so sorry those poor families
have to deal with that. I’m so glad it’s not me.” But now, it is. She is grateful for the
humility and enlightenment on this new path which has given her the opportunity to rid
herself of layers of judgment and bias, which she didn’t realize existed inside of her.
Michelle says beyond looking upward, she has always been the type to turn to study
and science to understand our world and the people in it. After studying the history of
LGBTQ people, Michelle said, “My eyes were opened to one of the most brutal tales of
human experience and treatment. What they’ve been through – it’s heartbreaking.”
Yet, she says God has continued to guide her in a method that feels personal. One
night after pondering the debunking of the “choice theory” of sexual orientation, she
prayed that she would understand the biologic mechanisms involved. The next morning,
she came across an article and lecture by Dr. Gregory Prince about the role of
epigenetics. She was fascinated and fully acknowledged her answered prayer – which
kicked off an even deeper study. Michelle also shares that she was buoyed up by the
coming out story of Stacey Harkey (of the family’s favorite TV show, Studio C), who came
out just one month after Emalee had. “His story helped to validate many parts of
Emalee’s life as a young child, and opened me up to a whole new flood of stories. Every
single one was so similar. I just KNEW what my daughter was telling me was true. And I
just want to thank the individuals who did what I’m doing right now – sharing their
stories because they helped me so much! To listen, learn, and love. To lift and love. I
learned through our collective experiences that fear is replaced with love. Then you
have peace. The peace doesn’t come without love.”
Since her daughter has come out, Michelle is grateful for new impressions and
perspectives. Once in prayer, she asked God, “Do you really want me to tell my
daughter that she needs to be celibate and alone?” After which, she felt an emphatic
“No.” Perhaps the greatest thing that has happened since Emalee came out, says
Michelle, is that “it was like a light switch turned on and we got our daughter back. In the
weeks following, she was walking around the house whistling!? I said to Steven, ‘Do you
hear her? There’s happiness again!’ The weight lifted – in knowing you’re not going to
be rejected by the people who love you most. That it’s okay to be who you are.”
While Emalee still has struggles with her mental and physical health, she is doing great.
She recently received an excellent score on her first attempt at the ACT, tested out of
high school a year early, and is now taking college courses. Michelle says, “She is so
much happier.”
While her mother says, “Emalee was always the most valiant, pure, sweet innocent
child -- she once had the strongest testimony,” Emalee has now found it in her best
interests to step away from the church as she is about to turn 18.
Another Fogg child came out to their parents earlier this year, and Michelle senses this
is a road that several in her family will walk or otherwise come to understand on a
personal level. The Fogg family savored the quiet peace of the pandemic, and are
currently figuring out their future relationship with the religion in which they’ve always
been affiliated. In the meantime, Michelle says she is grateful for the sacred duty she
has to share with others how special her children are to the Lord, no matter where their
paths may lead. “I’m done trying to figure it out, I’ve turned it over to Him. I don’t know
any of our destinations, but I don’t worry anymore. Emalee is in God’s hands; He’s
walking right alongside her. He’s going to take her – and all of us – wherever we need
to go.”
