Every Christmas Eve, you can find the Stephenson family ice skating with their cousins near their hometown of South Jordan, UT, then eating dinner at Red Robin, a tradition that began several years ago when dinner plans were abruptly canceled and they found themselves with nowhere to eat. The tradition stuck. As did that of the Stephenson kids decorating their tree and the house each year while their mom, Kelli, acts as holiday music DJ on the couch after hanging her one and only decoration – a Bah Humbug wreath on the front door. Additional (more traditional) holiday week festivities include looking at lights, shopping, a Chic-fil-A run, opening sibling and grandkid gifts on Christmas Eve, and movie nights featuring several holiday classics: Elf, Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Family Man, and Daddy’s Home 2. But one thing that sets the Stephenson apart from many families is that Kelli and Scott have not one but two LGBTQ+ sons in their line-up of five kids: Ashly (a 28-year-old married mother of two), Colby – 23, Eli – 21, Zach – 19, and Emma – 16.
Kelli says that while she sensed Zach was gay since he was very young, older brother’s Eli coming out really shocked her. He was 15 and the revelation came at a stressful time for the family. Their oldest daughter was living with them and expecting a baby any day, their youngest daughter had just been diagnosed with diabetes, and middle child Eli had been struggling with sibling dynamics and mental health issues for some time. But Kelli had just experienced a small victory, coming in third place Masters at the Utah Valley Marathon. After the race, she climbed into the car with Scott, eager to celebrate, but it was clear he was in a grumpy mood. He abruptly shared that Zach had texted him and told him that Eli was gay. It was a long drive home.
When Scott and Kelli got home, they asked Eli about his brother’s text. Eli said he was bisexual and that it was a big reason he had been struggling so much the past couple of years. A few months later, Eli shared that he was actually gay, then a few years later, pansexual, and now, along with his partner, identifies as nonbinary using the pronouns they when with friends and he at home. Kelli says Eli’s life has been marked with a series of struggles over the years – well beyond his sexuality. He started seeking counseling shortly after coming out, and still sees the same wonderful counselor who has helped both him and Zach over the years. Kelli says, “At first he thought he’d try to stay in the church and marry a woman. But that idea was fleeting as he learned to love and embrace his true self.” Eli’s branched out of his SLC family’s turf to Provo of all places, where he enjoys visiting Encircle with his partner, and finds the BYU culture rather affirming. Kelli was also pleasantly surprised to find the Utah Valley community largely loving when she marched in her first Pride event this summer near BYU’s campus. While she expected slurs and bottles to be thrown, she says instead, they received supportive honking and loving cheers.
Eli currently attends an Episcopalian church in Provo, where he enjoys lighting the unity candles and listening to sermons given by a female Deacon whom he respects and connects with. His parents recently joined him for a Sunday Service and they felt a very strong and affirming spirit and knew their son had found a good place to feed his spirit and feel God’s love and acceptance. They are pleased that he has found a faith home: “Everyone needs a place where they feel like they belong.” While Eli doesn’t agree with LDS doctrine in its entirety and has struggled with some policies, Kelli says he always felt loved and accepted by the people in the ward in which he was raised. Recently he called her to find out what time church was in their previous ward because he wanted to go visit the people he loved – including some “prickly pears” that other congregants found hard to connect with.
While Eli has held many jobs trying to find his place in the world, and has taken his time with his schooling, he recently took a criminal justice class at SLCC taught by his police officer father, and Scott told Kelli, “He’s so smart. One of the best writers I’ve ever taught.” His final paper was on transgender rights in the prison system. Eli would like to be an English teacher someday, like his mom.
While Zach was also outed at age 15, ironically by Eli (sibling revenge cycle complete), his experience has been different in that he has always felt an affinity for the gospel. But Kelli says he struggled to feel accepted by some of the young men in the ward and experienced incessant bullying from a group of girls while in high school. He was always the Stephenson’s most religious child, and had excelled with school, always maintaining a 4.0 until the bullying began. His last two years of high school were difficult, but he did eventually find his place. He also was a spiritual giant in seminary where, according to his teacher, “he practically taught the class” until he abruptly quit at the end of his senior year due to a group of “toxic friends” who talked him into it. He still regrets this choice as it left his seminary teacher wondering what he could have done better. Zach now works every Sunday and no longer attends church, but Kelli says he will still defend the gospel and hopes to find a partner who has an LDS background and hopes one day to be able to attend an affirming ward together with his spouse.
Kelli says, “Zach’s testimony is stronger than mine, by mountains. When he first came out, he was adamant he’d marry a woman instead of a man, until a year later when he realized that marrying a woman might end up destroying a family 20 years later. He won’t do that.” From 16, he knew he needed to be true to who he was in order to find peace and happiness. He hopes to be able to do that within the church somehow. None of the Stephenson’s five children attend church anymore for various reasons. Kelli and Scott still attend and take their grandson. They appreciate that their new neighbors and the bishopric of their new ward seem to prioritize love and acceptance for all. So far, they have been met with kindness, and every lesson taught and conversation with those in leadership has been inclusive and kind.
Scott wasn’t raised in the church, but grew up in Utah, where he recounts some childhood neighbors were told to steer clear of his non-LDS family. Kelli was raised in the church but many of her friends and neighbors were not LDS. She was taught to love and accept everyone, regardless of their religion. Kelli says Scott (who serves in YM while she teaches the five-year-olds in Primary) now definitely knows the scriptures better than she does and has a testimony that awes her. His life was not easy, but he had the example of amazing convert grandparents who were a pillar of strength for him.
Of her testimony, Kelli says, “I have the faith of a child. I just know that the church is true, and I don’t know why. I do not question the gospel, although sometimes I may question an individual within the gospel. I have this strange ability to dismiss things I don’t agree with,” says Kelli. “I can hear something troubling at conference or church and think, ‘Well, that doesn’t seem right,’ and just move on. I generally talk to God in my head and simply say, ‘I don’t understand this, but I know you do and will help me understand.’ This is what I did with the Exclusion Policy in 2015. God guided my research and helped me understand the intent, even though I believed the policy would not accomplish this purpose the way it was written, and I didn’t agree with it. This always worked until that one talk at BYU -- that one was hard because the message was incongruent with the past messages of this apostle.” Referencing Elder Holland’s August 2021 talk to the school’s faculty, Kelli posted on her Facebook account: “My faith is not wavering. My testimony has not been shaken. I am as strong in the church as ever. It’s ok to question and/or be hurt by a talk from a prophet or an apostle. It says nothing about my faith and does not mean I do not sustain my leaders and the leaders of the church. Jesus taught us to go after the one when the ninety and nine are safe and together. That’s what flying a pride flag or wearing a rainbow pin or putting up a welcome sign for LGBTQ+ youth who are brave enough to go to seminary does — it goes after the one. The ninety and nine have been safe and welcomed all along; the one has been made to feel unwhole, wrong, and often cast out as a sinner when they are just being who God made them. I will continue to rainbowfy every part of my life that I can to call back and welcome the one. I see them, I hear them, I love them, they are my children (literally and figuratively).”
Indeed, Kelli shows her LGBTQ+ support visually in her middle school English classroom and is co-chairing the first GSA club at her school this year. The district doesn’t allow Pride flags to be hung and Kelli’s own kids would prefer not to have that visual announcement hung at all times in their own home. But her sons love that Kelli does what she can within district policy and uses rainbows in her classroom décor, from stickers on her always present Swig cup, to the rainbow mug that holds the rainbow popsicle sticks used to randomly call on students, to a 3-D rainbow butterfly mural on one wall, as well as a sign that greets every student at the door: “All are welcome here.” “I survive each day because my kids tell me they love me. I’m not a perfect parent, but I apologize when I make mistakes, so they know I’m trying. And Zach and Eli have told me they’re glad they have me so that gives me peace.” In turn, Kelli’s grateful that things are now easier for her kids than they were 30 years ago for her close friend’s mother who was gay, and even 10 years ago for another family member who came out as gay in a family steeped in LDS tradition and culture. “I know it’s cliché, but we need to just love. That’s all. No judgement or casting stones or questioning, just love.” She is very grateful that extended family has shown nothing but love and acceptance for her children. That love goes a long way in allowing them to live authentic lives without fear of repercussions from family, the ones they need the most.
Right before the Stephenson family moved this summer, Zach approached the pulpit to bear his testimony in the ward in which he’d been raised. He pulled a card out of his scriptures that Kelli thought he’d lost a long time ago. It was a note his bishop had given him when he was 15 and feeling he was unworthy to be ordained a priest because he was gay. But Zach had kept that card, which contained the scripture D&C 18:10 and the simple words “You are loved” -- three words he really wanted to share. Three words that say it all.
