For 20-year-old Kyle Smith, life’s a journey—and quite literally, as right now he’s culminating eight months of adventure spent working in Alaska and backpacking through Europe, before taking a month-long cruise through Hawaii and Polynesia with his boyfriend, Ethan. The sense of freedom he now feels seems apropos for a high achieving young man who earned it, after excelling during four years of varsity soccer and his state-champion show choir as a teen, while also being elected his high school student government’s head boy and earning a 4.0 GPA. But discoveries and admissions along the way did result in misunderstandings and challenges in Kyle’s church community and even among his loved ones, that thankfully, with the support of his family, he was largely able to overcome.
Back at home, receiving virtual postcards of his adventures, awaits the Smith family (mom Ashley, dad David, sister Hannah and her husband Matt Herron and their children, and brothers Jamison—25, Spencer—23, Cedric—16, and Levi—13), who just four years prior had undergone quite a transition. Just as David was being released as bishop—ironically being told that “someone in the ward needed some things addressed that might go better if he wasn’t bishop,” Ashley had just completed a victorious campaign and was elected mayor of their Cañon City, Colorado town, after serving four years on city council. Over the years of serving and campaigning in the community, she had been struck by how many wonderful LGBTQ+ citizens she’d met who, despite what she’d been taught while being raised in a conservative religious climate, seemed to want the same things as her family. It was at this time, at age 16, that Kyle told his parents something he’d known since age 11.
Ashley now laughs how she’d unassumingly made Kyle a rainbow cake with eight layers of colors for his eighth birthday, not knowing the significance that symbol would later take. As Kyle sat in primary as a child, he’d hear that everyone is a child of God and loved, while knowing he was different and didn’t seemingly fit the mold of what an “acceptable” child of God was “supposed” to be. In high school, he finally opened up to Ashley and David saying, “I just can’t keep getting hurt so much; I need you to know where I’m at.” His parents had watched him shun recent pressures from friends to get a girlfriend, saying things like, “I just want to be friends with everybody!” But at 16, Kyle was ready to tell his family he was gay, after which he subsequently broke down and asked, “Am I destined for a life of misery and grief?” This launched a re-examination into what his parents had been taught and taught themselves for many years. When Ashley told Kyle’s two youngest brothers Kyle was gay, she said the look on their faces was as if he’d been killed in an accident. “I thought, ohmygosh, what kind of hole have we dug for ourselves?”
This was the launch of many conversations for the Smith family. Ashley says the first two years were messy. It was not like a like switch of understanding instantly turned on, but rather a slow process of searching for understanding. She credits Kyle’s patience, saying, “He was really gracious and said, ‘I know this is the culture you were raised in, but I can see you are making an effort and trying’.” The Smiths are grateful Kyle also made efforts and they still have a close relationship. Ashley and David’s children and several immediate family members have also embraced Kyle. But many did not.
When the Smiths first approached their bishop at the time with Kyle’s news, he firmly responded that “the world” will tell them it’s okay for Kyle to be gay, but that it actually wasn’t. “That was NOT helpful,” says Ashley. A few years later, the same bishop said he thought the ward “handled Kyle’s coming out pretty well.” While allowing the bishop the same grace Kyle offered them, Ashley felt that perhaps it would have been better for the bishop to have replaced the discomfort of that conversation with curiosity. A more useful conversation would have been to instead ask questions like, “How has this affected your life? What do you wish people understood? What would you like us to know?” Luckily, their stake president was more understanding and shared his belief that Kyle could be gay and still be a happy person and even a productive member of the church.
The first Sunday after Kyle came out publicly, the whole family was very nervous about attending church. But a Sunday School teacher came right up and gave him the biggest hug, which brought some relief. So did the pandemic shortly after, as home church became the norm. Kyle found he appreciated the reprieve and Ashley says she likewise loved feeling like she could experience church “without getting stabbed in the heart. It gave us time do our own healing in home church. Kyle never went back after that.” Even pulling into a church parking lot to play a game of basketball now gives Kyle PTSD reminiscing the many times he’d come home from church or seminary and declare to his parents, “Well, I was told I’m going to hell again today.” While all of the other Smith children still attend church and several have or are currently serving missions, Kyle feels closest to God in nature. His first summer spent working in Alaska as a zip line guide gave him a lot of time hiking in the mountains with wildlife, “a chance to heal.” He’s now dating Ethan, a young man he met while working at Breckenridge. Ethan was also raised in the LDS faith in Utah, and the Smiths love that both families “just get it” with their commonalities and support their sons’ union.
Living in a rural community, Ashley says they’ve felt like they’ve been pushed to the outskirts even by some close friends, “not fitting that tribe anymore.” She currently serves as a Primary teacher which she loves, calling the kids “her happiest constituents.” Ashley’s stake president made it very clear that her main calling was to be her tenure as mayor, a role she feels God also called her for and has given her a voice to broader audiences. After the article she wrote in a 2021 issue of LDS Living about what to say when a loved one comes out as gay was published, Ashley had people reach out hoping they hadn’t played a role in alienating her family (which they didn’t). Some were grateful to find better words to start conversations, and other church members either further distanced themselves or pushed back with even more open prejudice. In the end, friendships have been lost.
Ashley says, “I don’t feel we’re in that warm, fuzzy, cozy circle anymore, but we’re there because we believe in Christ, our kids need to have a relationship with God, and we need consistent reminders of all the things that help us become good human beings.” She recognizes that things are different based on where you live and when recently asked to give a presentation to a stake Relief Society gathering in Denver about their journey, Ashley was pleasantly surprised to learn of an openly gay member of a bishopric in the area. Grateful for the resources she was able to turn to when Kyle first came out, Ashley now tries to point others to the same as well as be a resource herself, with her article and also having been interviewed on both Richard Ostler’s podcast and Kurt Francom’s Leading Saints podcast.
Four years later, David says, “I like the person I am so much more now.” Ashley concurs, “I am so grateful to have a gay son… I’ve experienced a lot of spiritually profound experiences from God. I’ve found peace in not knowing everything and just having a foundation of Jesus Christ.” As a member of many civic committees for different issues in which she tries to make voices from all sides heard, Ashley prioritizes “having resiliency, especially while watching all that’s going on in the country (politically, socially and within schools and church walls)… including contentious school board meetings with people fighting against the supposed ‘satanic evils of those grooming children to be LGBTQ’.” Ashley just wants a world where one can have a gay kid who can go to school to learn math and reading, not be bullied, and live their best life. While she is not running for another term, Ashley believes, “We still need to have forces for positive change and leaders to challenge old assumptions and prejudices.
Of her own journey, Ashley loves how being Kyle’s mother has taught her to “double check my assumptions, and have more compassion as I listen to other stories and seek to understand on many levels.” She frequently reflects on a quote from Darius Gray, a prominent Black member of the church who headed the Genesis group of the 1970s, which has largely been credited as being instrumental in the reversal of the priesthood exclusion policy. Darius said, “If we endeavored to truly hear form those we consider as ‘the other,’ and our honest focus was to let them share of their lives, histories, their families, their hopes and their pains, not only would we gain a greater understanding, but this practice would go a long way toward healing wounds.” Ashley reflects, “This is a mantra I hold to now, as I try to be more open to hearing and understanding those who are different from me. When I do this, I realize we have a lot in common.”
