On paper, everything seemed ideal: top of his class, National Merit Scholar, Eagle Scout, Order of the Arrow member, returned missionary and recipient of a full scholarship to Utah State University. But for years, Jeffrey Kennedy’s parents had suspected something was troubling their son. “He was very closed off growing up; he didn’t want to talk about anything emotional. But as a middle child and someone who was so scholastic, he could get away with it – hiding up in his room to do homework. ‘That’s just the type of student he is,” thought his parents. But neither Pam nor Darin Kennedy was aware of the silent struggle their son was enduring, unable to acknowledge and accept a part of himself that he was battling to keep hidden.
On his mission to Vanuatu in the South Pacific, Jeffrey started having anxiety at a worrisome enough level that he spoke to his parents about it. While his mission president said he’d be fine, Pam sensed something else was going on. She encouraged Jeffrey to be tested for dengue or the West Nile virus. (Pam and Darin later discovered the mission president knew all along that Jeffrey was gay but did not disclose that information to his parents.) Had they known, so much surrounding his decision to serve a mission and his state of mind right afterwards would have made sense. Jeffrey served his two years, but was very emotional, anxious, and raw when he came home. Pam remembers Darin staying up all night long with him that first night in an attempt to comfort him. Several months later, after Jeffrey had left their Boise, ID home for school in Logan, UT, Darin was searching around the house for an SD drive. Figuring their techie son might be the most likely owner, Darin opened Jeffrey’s desk and within found a “To Mom and Dad” letter. Shortly after, Darin left his son’s room in tears and handed Pam the letter. She likewise read how Jeffrey had always tried to be the best son, how he was so sorry to disappoint his parents, but he couldn’t live up to their expectations. “We thought it was a suicide note,” Pam says, “But at the bottom, he finally said, ‘I need to tell you, I’m gay’.”
“It threw us for such a loop,” says Pam. “We didn’t see it coming. But in that moment, my husband did a complete 180.” Darin told her, “I need to be the one to talk to our son. I need to tell him I found his letter, that I love him, and I’m so sorry for everything hurtful I’ve ever said,” referencing the homophobic comments he’d made over the years about gay people and couples they saw on TV and around town. While Darin knew his son didn’t choose his orientation and couldn’t change it, he initially figured that as an RM, perhaps he’d choose to lead a celibate life. In contrast, Pam says she instantly thought, “Screw that, I want him to have a life.” While Pam wanted nothing but happiness for Jeffrey, she still cried for six months. Church was especially hard. She never saw her son’s orientation as a burden, but had a difficult time seeing it as a blessing.
A few months later Pam and Jeffrey attended a third temple session together in which the mother-son duo had been asked to be the witness couple. They both chuckled, thinking “If they only knew…” And then she realized, “The Lord does know.” During that last session together, Pam received a distinct prompting: “Your son’s going to leave the church, and it’s going to be okay.” After the temple, while sitting in the car in a Shopko parking lot, Jeffrey asked his mother, “Do you think it’d be okay if I start dating?”
With his parents’ blessing, Jeffrey began dating. While Boise is generally more liberal and accepting than other nearby towns (when Jeffrey told his younger brother he’s gay, Braedon barely looked up from his video game and said, “Okay, my friends are gay, no big deal”), Pam laments that gay children in conservative religious communities do not yet have acceptable offerings for safe dating. “Kids like my son don’t want the one-night stands, or get drunk and party, or date older men in secret type of scene. Jeffrey just wanted to date normally like everyone else did.” Jeffrey also hadn’t wanted to pursue dating guys with LDS backgrounds, figuring he wouldn’t find it helpful to have two partners in one relationship dealing with the kind of religious trauma he had experienced, but he met a great guy with a Christian background, who Pam says is “perfect for him. We couldn’t have asked for a better son-in-law.” Two years later, in May of this year, they were married in his older brother’s backyard and the entire family was there to support. When Jeffrey was engaged, he teared up talking to Pam about his love for his soon-to-be husband and said he couldn’t imagine spending eternity with anyone other than Cory. Pam reasons, “That says it right there. That’s all I needed to know.”
Pam’s kids have nicknamed her the “Gay Warrior.” She is a visible ally at the Boise-based high school where she works, wearing her rainbow gear every day to let the students know she’s a safe space. Her son Jeffrey is more subdued about his personal life. He and Cory live a simple, happy life, and enjoy cooking together, Star Wars,musical theatre (Cory knows every word to Hamilton), and trips in the camper they bought together, complete with twinkly lights, their dog, James, and two cats, Rhubarb and Whiskey. Like the rest of the Kennedy family, they are huge Disney fans, and they recently honeymooned at Disneyworld. Cory and Jeff both work and support each other as Jeffrey pursues his masters degree in Environmental Engineering. Cory will then complete his education. It means a lot to Pam that Cory took Jeffrey’s last name, and she’s excited that the two plan to adopt children down the road. “My son’s a good person. He’s done everything he could do within the church – he graduated from seminary, served a mission, worked in the temple; what more did he have to do?” Pam says, “The biggest thing I’ve learned on this journey is that God is bigger than the church portrays and our earth-bound perceptions. We say God’s love is infinite and eternal, but we also talk a lot about earthly requirements that we must follow. While these requirements are great and can be a strength for most families, they can be painful for members who don’t fit the mold. If we believe that God is in charge and understands our eternal situation, then we can put our trust in Him to sort out these complicated situations. All I know is that God loves my son even more than I do and created him exactly how he is. We have to expand our belief in what God is capable of doing and take away the fear in our teaching.” While Pam and Darin have raised all their kids in the church and know the Plan of Salvation well, Pam has never felt the fear of having family excluded from Heaven. “I have too many wonderful friends and family outside the church to believe that there isn’t a wonderful place for them.”
Pam and Darin try to visibly be a safe place for those who may need them to be. Pam says, “I wish the church would use us as a resource more often. When people are in crisis, they should send in someone who understands. My husband and I have been there, we know what these families are going through. It can really shake your faith.“ Although Pam and Darin have strong testimonies of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, there are times when church is difficult. Pam and Darin no longer feel compelled to force their youngest son, now 16, to attend seminary. They don’t want him to have to listen to any non-affirming lessons on marriage. Yet each week, Pam, Darin, and Braedon attend church to partake of the sacrament and hopefully receive just one tender mercy -- one golden message of Christlike goodness. They are never disappointed. They have seen Christlike blessings in the details of their lives, including unconditional support from family members.
During Covid, they have spent more time as a family and have had plenty of opportunity to bond. Through the experiences of these past few years, Pam and Darin have grown closer together and Pam has finally come to see that having a gay child truly is a blessing. “When what you thought you knew is stripped away, you are left with nothing but Christ and the Atonement to fall back on.” While their relationship with the church is strained, Pam and Darin feel that they are in a good place and that God will work it all out. They feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to raise one of God’s gay children.
