There are some advantages to not growing up in the LDS faith. For Jackie Smith, joining the church as a college student from a socially liberal family background has always allowed her to approach church culture from a different angle -- one that as an author and mother of seven, she now uses to help herself and others navigate through certain social ideologies, especially when it comes to facing essential parenting pivots and difficult pulpit pronouncements. As an LDS-outsider (who’s now been baptized in for the past few decades), Jackie observes that, “There appears to be a pride that develops sometimes in the church based on a checklist of our children’s behavior – mission, BYU, marriage, etc. These are things that I don’t think matter as much as we think they do to God. And when we get our self-esteem by our kids checking these boxes, it can become difficult. Because if a kid makes a different choice, it feels like a personal threat.”
Through her books, Jackie hopes to help people step back and see a different approach – whether they have a gay kid or not. Her children’s series, Open Minds, Open Hearts, (available on Amazon) aims to help parents raise children with the emotional strength to confidently choose to be Christlike. It was always important to Jackie that her own children not judge others who, say, drink coffee or smoke, but rather that they recognize that all humans hold and offer light and truth. Jackie’s memoir, Pass It On: A Perspective Offering Insight to All Faiths About Raising a Gay Child in a Religious Home, (also on Amazon), chronicles her journey when her youngest child Spencer, who now goes by Dudley, came out during his junior year of high school. From a young age, Jackie suspected something was different about Dudley. While he says he didn’t know he was gay until the 7th grade, Jackie said she had impressions much earlier that caused her to watch her words and create a safe space for him. “I was always a little overprotective, I think.”
And then, she remembers the doozy of Prop 8. At the time, her husband Kent was a bishop, and she recalls both of them supporting the admonition to “follow the prophet” with the political issue, but behind their bedroom door, Kent comforted her as she mourned, saying, “I can’t do this.” Jackie remembers standing on a street corner behind a sea of Yes on 8 signs, which she refused to pick up herself, but she still feels sick that a young man from her daughter’s high school, carrying a “No H8” sign, approached and saw her standing there. It felt like a punch to the gut. She went into the bushes and cried.
For Jackie, the hardest part about Dudley coming out, even all these years later, is that he initially believed his parents would never speak to him again once he did. This heart-breaking confession has since propelled Jackie to write, to speak up, to speak out and let others know how we can preventatively do better. “I’m trying to scrape off all that Mormon guck – all the judgment – and remind people how our job is to just teach our kids about Christ.” The Smith family is large, diverse, and very close. All of Kent and Jackie’s children are now married, and the line-up pictured above includes Jessica and Steve Hennings, Andrew and Karisa Smith, Matt and Lizzie Smith, Makenna and Mike Myler, CJ and Spencer Taylor, Sam and Megan Smith, Dudley and Trevor Brown, and grandchildren Moses, Ray, Ocean, Ezra, Smith, Stevie, Etta, Lou, Hal, and a baby girl on the way.
At Christmas time during his junior year of high school, after Dudley first revealed he’s gay to Jackie, he gave each of his siblings a similarly wrapped package. As they each opened up a rainbow-colored pin and put it on, Jackie smiles at the memory of the instant sibling huddle of loving support.
After her son came out, Jackie says her priority was that Dudley still felt like a beloved child of God, even though he felt a need to pull away completely from church teachings. As he was the only child still at home, Jackie and Kent adapted. At the time, they thought it was best for Dudley to still attend church and finish seminary, but Family Home Evening turned into a weekly 30-second inspirational quote (that sometimes led to hours of discussion). They tried to work around his feelings, rather than plow through them.
After high school, Jackie says Dudley experienced some wild days and nights as a student at Santa Monica College studying film. She believes this was due to Dudley’s lack of self-love due to the experiences he faced that sprouted from church teachings that need to change. One day, he came home to his parents and bawled on their bed at the spiral his life had taken. Together, they discussed self care and a path that would help Dudley overcome the damage to his emotional health. This bumpy journey would lead to a really good life and partner who would support and love him. Dudley decided to transfer to UVU, where he could study geology and be closer to his siblings, with whom he remained close. He met Trevor, a BYU graduate, and together, they lifted and loved one another on their mutually healing journey. The family laughs that it was Dudley and Trevor’s relationship that advanced the quickest of all their long-haul dater siblings, and the two were married in a beautiful ceremony just two years later.
The entire Smith family remains close, and true to form, last week, they met in clusters (in California and Utah) after Elder Holland’s infamous delivery at that BYU podium so that they could process together. Jackie shared that she spoke to a faculty member at BYU who sat through the talk and described it as a bit of whiplash after listening to BYU President Worthen’s prior talk the same day on the importance of inclusion. Jackie feels that every talk opens up room for more thought and discussion. To her, this wasn’t a step backwards, but a catalyst for changing mindsets, building progress, and ultimately leading to light and truth. Jackie believes we should be proud of the students and faculty who are striving to be like Christ. “The church has created a university of earth-shattering people who seek God’s will, love God’s children, and care about their future. Let’s be grateful for their voices and their vision. I, too, believe BYU should continue to be unique, but there is a difference between uniqueness and isolation. If you isolate, you won’t be unique because no one will notice you. When you’re unique, you stand out. When you isolate, you are forgotten.”
Regarding the reception of such an address in the LGBTQ+ community, Jackie offers a broader perspective on grace: “We cannot raise our kids to worship our prophets and apostles. There is a fine line between worshipping and revering – they are imperfect men; they know it, and they want us to know it. They ask God for revelation, too. I can completely disagree with someone but know they’re still a child of God trying to do their best. I love Elder Holland – he has inspired me throughout my life. I’m not thinking he’s a horrible person because of one mistake. For all I know, he may have cried himself to sleep that night. Or he may have thought all that needed to be said. I don’t know. Let us not forget he is a child of God, too. He’s reading his scriptures, praying, uncovering light and truth, too, just like me. He’s on a journey; I’m on a journey – and our journeys need to collide so we can learn from each other. And when we both face God, He will let each of us know what he wanted each of us to learn from this experience.”
Jackie believes the general authorities when they say they’ve been on their knees praying about people like her son and her family. As for what she’d say directly, if given audience: “I’d invite them to come meet our kids, come meet my son, and admit to themselves these are children of God and they have a place in God’s kingdom and heart. We know that. We are looking forward to seeing how they fit into God’s plan. Everyone needs to continue to seek the answers; please, please don’t close any doors.” #liftandloveathome
