“It never crossed our minds,” says Jill Harrison of the 22 years she spent raising her son before finding out he was gay. Unlike other parents she’s encountered who had early promptings about their LGBTQ toddlers or teens, Jill says, “We never would have guessed Matthew was gay, and I don’t think anyone else would have either.”
Up until that point, he’d walked a pretty routine LDS path. Jill says Matthew seemed to value his religious upbringing. A “spiritual force” in their home, Jill remembers him encouraging the family to read scriptures from a young age. In high school, he dated girls and even had a girlfriend, but seemed relieved when she broke it off. After graduation, Matthew attended a year of classes at BYU Provo before eagerly serving a mission in Bolivia Santa Cruz. That was a positive experience during which he wrote many letters to friends back home that left an influential impression on them regarding the church. Two years later when he returned, he moved back to Provo, where he majored in Spanish.
In 2016, Jill flew out to Utah from their Sterling, VA home to attend a nephew’s wedding. She and Matthew drove to the Salt Lake temple together, but as they approached the building, Matthew stopped his mother and said, “I don’t think I can go in. I have a lot on my mind. We can talk about it later.” Jill proceeded to attend the sealing alone, consumed with just what might be on Matthew’s mind. Did he want to drop out of school? Was he leaving the church? Due to their busy schedule with wedding festivities, it was another day before the mother and son had a chance to take a drive, just the two of them. After a prolonged silence, Matthew uttered the words his mother never saw coming, “I’m gay.” Jill burst into tears -- but they had nothing to do with a rejection of him or his news. Rather, Jill exclaimed, “How did you sit there all those years at church and listen to all those painful lessons?”
It was a few more days before Matthew told his father, Michael, about his orientation. He sensed his dad would also be a safe space since both his parents had made it clear back in high school that they affirmed and supported one of Matthew’s friends at the time, who was gay. Over the remainder of that wedding week with his mom, Matthew slowly shared his evolution – that he’d known this about himself since puberty. That the only person he’d ever told during high school was their bishop, who had advised him not to take any action quite yet, to give himself time to figure things out. Growing up amidst church teachings that prioritized marriages that precluded people like him, Matthew said for the most part, he was able to bounce along with it all except when it came to the Plan of Salvation, during which lessons he felt an underlying sense of anxiety.
But Jill says there were many good things Matthew took from the church, including the great friend group he had at BYU. Even after coming out after his mission, Matthew tried not to shut the doors on any romantic possibilities. But it didn’t take him long to realize he just couldn’t be with a woman. He finished his Spanish degree at BYU in 2019, and upon graduation, moved to Brooklyn, NY. Matthew hasn’t been back to church since.
Ruminating on the many painful teachings her son had endured has become a source of pain for Jill. As a Young Women’s leader in her ward, even though she’s sat with her son’s news for six years now, she still struggles during lessons on temple marriage or the Family Proclamation. She tries to make things clear in her wording to the girls she teaches that things might look different for various people and families. That we may not have all the answers yet. Her husband, Michael, currently serves as bishop of their ward and openly shares the knowledge he has gleaned as the father of a gay son when he assumes a teaching role – that people don’t “turn gay,” and you can’t “pray it away” with enough faith. While Matthew – 28, and his older sister, Tess – 30, have both since left the church, they do not resent their parents’ activity. And Jill and Michael strive to always make their family relationship their first priority. Jill says, “We love everything about our children. Everything they do is important to me. I feel like my relationship with my son and daughter is the most important thing and if that relationship is their tie to Christ, then that is key. I choose to show Christlike love.”
At last week’s rededication of the DC temple near the Harrison’s house, one of the apostles who came to speak said, “Everybody has a place in the kingdom.” Jill sometimes struggles hearing these types of statements, knowing how hard it was for her son to try to find a place. But she cleaves to her inherent truth: “I believe that there is a place. I believe our family is going to be together, even though my son and daughter have both left. I can’t think of a Heavenly Father who would separate families. Seeing how much I love both of my kids, I can’t even begin to imagine His love. It’s one of those things I have to tuck away on the proverbial shelf. Our gay son and others like him have got to be part of that plan. And I don’t think it’s being celibate.”
Jill understands when LGBTQ people choose to leave the church. “I’ve heard some people say, ‘They should stay because they can be a good influence.’ But I wonder, ‘Maybe it’s not a good place for some to be, and is it our responsibility to change others?’ Though I personally do feel some responsibility – to stay and say something in a particular lesson or whatnot.”
The Harrisons feel lucky that Matthew has maintained a healthy outlook, and was able to find a positive peer group even at BYU after he’d come out to a few close friends there. They recognize this is not the case for many. Jill describes her son as a “warm, fun, creative person others gravitate toward.” A talented musician and drummer who had a music deal with a major label in high school, Matthew now enjoys the music, nightlife, and culture of the Big Apple. After working in the Orem, UT Trader Joe’s, Matthew now enjoys working at the Chinatown, NY store. He lives with a few roommates in a “really cool warehouse apartment” in Brooklyn with a view of the Manhattan skyline.
Just a few hours away in Virginia, his father Michael works in sales, and mom Jill works at a preschool. They prioritize spending time with family, and are very grateful for their many family members and friends who have all been loving toward their son. Jill hopes Matthew one day finds a life partner who makes him happy. Jill says, “Everyone wants someone to share their life.” Of her journey, she advises other parents in her shoes to, “Just love. I wouldn’t change anything as far as where I’m at, how I look at people, and how I interact with the youth at church. It’s definitely opened my eyes. If I’m going to err on the side of anything, I’m going to err on the side of love.”
