When it came to raising their son, Alec, Holly and Jeff Fowler of Orem, UT tried to do everything right. Alec grew up the oldest of four kids in the church, checking the boxes, and was by all accounts a mama’s boy and delight to raise. After graduating from Orem High School, he served an LDS mission in upstate New York, then attended LDS Business College in Salt Lake City and got a job working as an event manager for the Color Run.
When it came to raising their six children, Gary and Karen McDougal of Sandy, UT also strove to teach their kids what was right. Their youngest, Blake, certainly embodied that. Diligently obedient, Blake also checked the boxes—scouts, high school, mission, college, career. His parents never had trouble getting him to go to school or church or to choose good friends.
When the two young men met each other, they knew it was right. And their respective immediate families chose to do what was right by their sons and support their union.
Alec and Blake had matched on Tinder on St. Patrick’s Day in 2017. After talking for a couple months while Blake was on a global travel sabbatical, their first date was a sushi dinner flanked by four hours of talking and playing Nintendo. They quickly determined they had a lot in common including similar upbringings, and they both wanted kids and a family someday. Alec then travelled to Seaside, FL for a family trip and invited Blake to come join them. That was a success, and shortly after Blake returned the favor of introducing his family when they all went to ride Razors and motorcycles, one of the McDougal’s favorite past times.
About two years after their first date, Blake and Alec married on June 8, 2019 at a beautiful ceremony in Park City, UT, that still makes Holly tear up at the memory of it. While they first contemplated doing a quick courthouse ceremony, the men ended up flipping a coin that landed face up, determining that they’d be doing a bigger wedding. A built-in benefit was they wanted to throw a celebration to honor all the many people who had supported them in their love. Dressed in black tie, the guests rode the ski lift up and the alpine slide down as part of the three-day celebration.
Not only did Holly’s experience as a wedding planner lend to the beauty of the event, but she said it was the first gay wedding most in the Fowler family had attended--including Alec and Blake. Some family members chose not to come, and for those who did, Holly wasn’t sure how attendees would react. But she says, “I still have friends who talk about how special it was. Blake’s dad gave the sweetest toast at the ceremony. They exchanged the most beautiful vows. It was the most amazing day; it touched a lot of hearts. A perfect day of love and unity.” After the ceremony, Alec and Blake threw a huge backyard party at their home the next weekend and later, took a delayed honeymoon to the Dominican Republic. Blake and Alec discussed having kids on that trip, and thanks to a friend who volunteered to become a surrogate, are now parents of a beautiful 16-month-old baby boy, Halston.
Alec and Blake are dedicated to their family and to raising their son with strong values of service and kindness they both appreciated from their own upbringing. While they have both stepped away from the church, they say that losing their church community as a gay couple was even harder than coming out. But currently, there is not a place of full acceptance for families such as theirs on the pews.
Both men had known they were gay since their youth. For Blake, he had crushes on boys at school as early as six or seven. For Alec, he was closer to 11 or 12. They each spent their teen years trying to date girls, and thinking they’d probably try to marry one. They both rationed if they served faithful missions and followed all the steps, this would likely be their path.
About three months in the MTC, Blake’s leaders recommended he go home due to extreme anxiety issues that led to him coming out. When he came home, Blake told his parents he was gay but he says he “quickly put himself back into the closet.” He signed himself up for conversion therapy, never telling his parents who “would not have supported that.” Blake says he “tried to be perfect and follow the program. My plan was to find a girl, get married, have a family, and stay really active in the church.” He tried dating a few but it was his dad, Gary, who encouraged him to hold out for someone he’d be more compatible with.
When Blake was growing up, Gary had been his scoutmaster, and there were two gay young men in their troop of 20 who passed through the program. Gary had no idea one more had been hiding: his son, who he had been told for years “struggled with anxiety.” When Blake came out to him at age 20, Gary says, “It was a relief. Everything made sense. Blake would be ok. There was nothing to fix! I felt so clueless and light.” Gary realized it would be hard for his son because he loved the LDS church and cared deeply about family. He says, “Acceptance would never be unanimous and that would be hurtful to Blake. For myself, I didn’t care what other’s thought. To my surprise, all of my friends and family immediately showed their support without hesitation. Again: clueless! Many were concerned how I would act. I will fly two flags. I love Blake and I could not be more proud. I thank God every day that I didn’t lose my son.”
While his dad is less active in the church these days, Blake’s siblings and mom are still very much involved. Karen says, “I wish the church could see that we all need love and God is not a respecter of persons. I know we will all answer to God for our choices and decisions. It is not for us to judge but to be judged by that Creator who created us all.” The McDougal family is all very loving and supportive of Blake and Alec, though it was an adjustment for some when Blake first came out. He had been nervous about telling his family because he didn’t want to lose the love of his siblings, being so family oriented. And he didn’t. The McDougal siblings all live within a few miles of each other, and family togetherness is frequent and important. The same goes with the Fowler family.
Holly Fowler says she had begun a personal reflection with the church a few years before Alec came out, in which she was able to take what felt right to her and focus on the parts that work in her faith journey. As such, there was no large doomsday moment when Alec came out. “As a mom, I just felt if he’s happy, then great. A mom is only as happy as her saddest child.”
Alec’s coming out launched his father Jeff on a more introspective path. Jeff says he’d always subscribed to the scripted model of the church, which brought on additional questions when his son told them he was gay. Jeff credits a personal conversation with Richard Ostler, prayer, and other resources as instrumental in his faith journey. Jeff says he remains anchored in the LDS faith, and is seeking answers from within. He also says, “I feel like I’m a better person because of my experience with Alec and Blake. I love the fact that they give us grace and respect to live our lives and don’t put us in a position of choosing. They’ve chosen to be a part of our family, and we want to be a part of theirs. They’ve made me a better person—nicer, softer, more accepting of all.”
Alec definitely still considers himself a spiritual person, and believes in a “higher power” and afterlife with his loved ones, figuring he’s got nothing to lose. Reflecting on how he hopes to raise Halston without the religious community he grew up in, Alec concedes, “I’m not upset at all about how I was raised; I recognize the good. But I’m also grateful Halston won’t be raised with some of the guilt and shame cycles I experienced.” Rather, Alec is looking forward to creating a safe space in which he can have open conversations with his kids about everything.
Blake says he experienced more religious trauma that has affected his mindset. “I definitely don’t consider myself Mormon anymore,” he says. “I go between all the spectrums with my spirituality; some days I’m more atheist than others.” The church is still a triggering place for Blake, who has experienced panic attacks even entering a church building. But the couple is grateful for many in their conservative Riverton, UT neighborhood who have tried to make them feel welcome. Some have joined them in flying rainbow flags. Their bishop’s daughter is Halston’s favorite babysitter. And after Halston was born, Holly says they were touched how the Relief Society president brought over a very generous basket of gifts.
Alec and Blake frequently hang out with a friend group of about ten other gay couples in the Salt Lake area who have all become parents through adoption or surrogacy. They laugh at the looks they all get when they go out to dinner together with their friend group and their toddlers, as they watch passersby try to break down who goes with who.
When they decided surrogacy was the path for them, Alec and Blake registered with an agency to select an egg donor and carrier, but were soon after approached by one of Blake’s close friends from high school. It turns out his wife, after hearing of their plans to pursue surrogacy, felt called for the role and volunteered (well, adamantly insisted) that she be the one to help them out, despite having had prior difficult pregnancies with her own biological children. Her husband told Alec and Blake, “Accept it or you’ll have to be the ones to break her heart.” They all remain close friends to this day. Due to the pandemic, Alec and Blake were not able to attend the surrogacy appointments, but they were able to be present at the OBGYN appointments and childbirth.
In reflecting on their lives, both Blake and Alec feel they each came out at the right time for them. They recognize high school was a different place back then, but now, “You can have whatever life you want to live. It’s achievable now more than ever.” If they could go back in time and tell their younger selves anything, Blake says he would tell his 21-year-old self, “not to do conversion therapy.” The program he participated in is still being run by a stake president who enrolls people under the guise of “sexual addiction.”
When asked what she’d like to see improved upon in the church in relation to LGBTQ, Holly says she’d like to feel more love behind the “All are welcome here” sign that hangs at LDS church buildings. Jeff says that he’d like to remind some of the leaders that as a parent, there are no directions or manuals for people in his position—that he’s doing the best he can, and would appreciate some understanding and support.
In the meantime, both the Fowler and McDougal families have grown in size and love from the union of their two sons. Karen McDougal says, “Families come in all shapes, sizes, and types. Blake and Alec have helped me to be more sensitive to those around me and more accepting. I could never not love one of my children and I do not understand how some can discard them because they don’t live up to their expectations. Maybe this is our trial: to be more loving to those we don’t understand or who don’t think as we do.”
