Welcome back for part 2 of Ben Schilaty’s story. (See story posted on 2/16/23 for first half.)
After receiving his PhD in Tucson, Ben Schilaty’s path veered north, back to Utah, when he felt the timing was right to apply for the MSW program at BYU. And it was; he was accepted. While there in 2017-2018, Ben reached out to the BYU administration and said he wanted to be involved in LGBTQ causes. While initially guarded, they agreed to meet with Ben. Ultimately, BYU formed a working group of nine administrators and LGBTQ nine students who met once a week to talk about inclusion and the climate at BYU. This is where Ben met Charlie, and they became truly good friends. He also met Steve Samberg, the general counsel at BYU, who also became a good friend and set Ben apart as a High Priest.
Ben says he felt safe at BYU. In this working group, he was able to open up and have raw, emotional conversations. He felt everyone cared, and knew he wouldn’t get kicked out. One time in a meeting, Steve made a comment, saying “I’m dating myself here,” to which Ben replied, “I’m a gay BYU student, I’m only allowed to date myself.” He says the group laughed; they got it.
In 2018, the group planned a campus-wide LGBTQ forum and a few thousand people came. Ben spoke on the panel, and at the end, one of the moderators told the group, “If any of you who are LGBTQ feel comfortable standing, we’d like to recognize your presence.” Charlie had said the opening prayer at the event, and now Ben looked down and watched him stand, for the first time timidly coming out publicly. Ben says, “Charlie watched that forum and said, ‘Maybe one day I could be brave,’ and now Charlie is braver than all of us.” Ben concluded, “I don’t want to do ten things, I want to get ten people to do one thing. If I can inspire someone like Charlie to have more courage, and people to be themselves, to share their lives and hearts, then that’s success.”
And now the big question: what is it like to work at the BYU Honor Code Office as an openly gay man? Ben says, “Life is really good; things are complicated. But I’m very secure in my life. People don’t like me on many fronts, but I have a really good life. When Sunday night would roll around when I was teaching middle school Spanish, I’d dread the week. But I’ve never felt that way here at BYU. My boss especially lets me soar.” Ben also works as an adjunct professor, teaching a class called Understanding Self and Others: Diversity and Belonging.
In 2021, Ben had the idea to plan a big concert and call it BYU Belong. Kind of a LoveLoud, BYU style. Ben hoped as people came back to campus that fall, they could have a good time and celebrate their diversity. Eight video vignettes featured students and faculty who represented diverse experiences: international students, a woman of the Muslim faith, and a student grappling with mental health challenges. Each of them came up on stage after to a standing ovation. Performers included David Archuleta, Vocal Point, Charlie Bird (with the Cougarettes), and after Noteworthy performed, two of their members came out publicly. Three weeks prior, BYU had created the Office of Inclusion and Belonging, and the timing of all this at the university felt especially right and needed.
Ben says he knew LGBTQ students were afraid of the Honor Code, and he thought if he worked there, it might be less scary for them. He says, ”I love BYU, and I actually really like the Honor Code and the mission of BYU. I wanted to be a part of it. I have queer students come visit me – and on purpose, I ask them to meet me in my office so it’s less scary, and they can meet everyone. I take them to lunch. The Honor Code Director, Kevin, is the best. I find that queer kids fear the Honor Code because they don’t understand the process, who’s safe and who isn’t. But I experience no fear here in saying I’m gay because I follow the honor code.” Ben recognizes he’s speaking from a perspective of privilege. He continues, “I’m super confident and old and tall – I’m an authority figure here, which comes with safety – a freshman doesn’t have that. If someone’s unkind to me, I can call general counsel immediately and meet with dean. But the students can’t necessarily, so I understand their fear. I hope they know they have allies in the Office of Belonging and in me and many professors. Campus is a lot better than it used to be.”
Ben does occasionally field an off-putting comment or question, and he’s become known for the grace he offers back. “For example, a kid might say, ‘People are choosing to be gay because it’s cool.’ What I would say to that is, ‘Thank you for having the confidence to share that. Elder Ballard said the experience of same sex attraction is a complex reality for many people,’ or ‘According to this church leader these attractions aren’t chosen,’ and in my experience, that has been the case. I know hundreds of people who are LGBTQ, and this was not a choice for them. Having those quotes in your back pocket, and sharing your personal experience – people can’t discount that. If you share yours or your brother’s experience, at least they might walk away knowing this person didn’t choose.”
When LGBTQ families ask, is BYU safe?, Ben is in a unique position to offer perspective. “Physically, almost definitely. Will people say rude things? Totally. Can. You live in a world where people are rude? Yep, that’s the world. There are jerks. There are 30k students here, you can find your crew. There’s the Office of Belonging, and a gay man works there, and he is amazing. And there are off campus organizations that are not affiliated with BYU, but they can provide support–like USGA, Rainbow Collective, Cougar Pride.”
None of this negates the fact that it is still difficult to be an openly gay man in the LDS church, and under the public lens Ben now lives under constantly as BYU faculty and a popular public speaker and author. Most weekends, Ben can be found doing a fireside or speaking on a panel, when not producing his podcast with Charlie. During Q&A’s, many ask the obvious questions: do you think the church’s policies will change? (Likely, as they always have.) Do you think your path is for everyone facing a similar reality? (Not at all. I encourage you to get to know the stories of the LBGTQ people in your life and support them as needed.) Will love lie in your future, as it did once in your past with a man you almost left the church for? (Remains to be seen. The details of this are also in his book.)
While some may not understand how Ben does it, the path he’s forged and the trails he’s blazed to make it easier for others who might one day be taking a walk in similar shoes is rather remarkable. And in the midst of where the church sits now on this issue, Ben has found a way to be content with the in between. He says, “I live in this world where there hasn’t been resolution – the Holy Saturday – but I love living with hope. I love working in the temple weekly, I love living with my housemate Charlotte (Eugene England’s widow). I love reading scriptures. I love feeling God’s love. In the first verse of Book of Mormon – we read that Nephi feels he’s been highly favored, though he feels many afflictions. Things sometimes suck, but God is always there for me.”
