(Content warning: suicidal ideation)
Gina Ellsworth’s first tip-off occurred when she and her daughter Lila were leaving to go to church. Lila’s phone connected through bluetooth to Gina’s car, subsequently streaming the “Questions from the Closet” podcast episode entitled “Am I Gay?” into the quiet space of their garage. Lila quickly fumbled to shut it off. Sensing her panic, Gina didn’t press. But Lila offered that her seminary teacher had recently recommended the class listen to such podcasts to try to have an open mind and understand different perspectives—something Gina found refreshing and “pretty cool.” But when Gina soon after emailed the seminary teacher to say as much, his “not sure exactly what you’re talking about?” response revealed that perhaps Lila had discovered this podcast on her own.
Shortly after, Gina was again in her car leaving the house when once again Lila’s phone connected to the car while Lila was up in her room. This time, another podcast episode started playing that proved Lila had a vested interest in the LGBTQ space. Gina didn’t say anything to Lila, but later brought up the incident to her husband, Matt, who reminded his wife about the times in middle school when Lila had obsessed that if she phoned or invited her female friends over too often that they might think she liked them in a “different way” – a fear they found odd. As Lila struggled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts at the time, they just assumed this was her way of worrying too much.
A few months later, Gina decided to make her and Lila’s upcoming road trip from their home in Gilbert, AZ to Salt Lake City, UT one in which they could really talk. Lila, who was 17 at the time, was being recruited to play ice hockey at the University of Utah and was excited to go meet the coaches with her mother. Gina was anticipating this alone time in the car to hopefully ease her
daughter’s mind and reassure her that she was a safe space—with whatever might need sharing. Once on the long stretch of highway, Gina told Lila she wanted to ask her something. Lila had a look of fear in her eyes but said ok. Hesitantly, Gina asked “Are you gay?”
Lila was quiet for a moment, then her face turned bright red and tears filled her eyes. She said yes. Gina immediately reached for her hand and held onto her tightly. Gina told her how much she loved her and that love would never change. Lila had just finished her junior year of high school, but had planned to wait to tell her parents until she had left home for college. Gina was relieved she finally knew the truth, but also heartbroken to know that Lila had carried this all by herself for so many years. Gina says, “She had the mentality that if she did everything perfectly with the church, this would be taken away from her.”
For the rest of the road trip, Gina and Lila were able to finally talk openly. When they got to Utah, Lila asked if they could go to Deseret Bookstore and get some books. They took turns reading Ben Schilaty’s and Charlie Bird’s first memoirs about LGBTQ inclusion. When Gina called her husband to confirm Lila’s news, he simply said, “Tell her I love her.”
The following year, Lila’s senior year, was probably her hardest, Gina says, having to deal with conflicting views as her parents and only one extended family member knew she was gay—a relative Lila said her mom could tell because, “Being sweet, she wanted me to have some support.” Lila would go to seminary and church where several peers would say things about LGBTQ+ people that “only amplified how she was feeling and made it hard for her to feel good in her own skin.” Terrified what might happen if she revealed that their comments were directed at her, Lila remained quiet. Gina was also struggling at church and in their community with things people would say, and she often deliberated whether speaking up about how she really felt would subsequently out their daughter before she was ready.
Lila asked her mother if she’d be okay with her dating, and Gina replied with support: “As long as they’re a good person and they respect you, then of course.” Matt was more quiet about things, which was sometimes perceived as a lack of support, but when he did have a heart to heart with Lila, he assured her again he loved her and was proud of who she is.
During her sophomore to senior years of high school, Lila played on the only girls’ travel hockey team from Arizona, and they achieved their goal to make it to Nationals. Gina loved going on hockey trips with her. It was a great bonding opportunity for the two of them and they had a blast together. “But then we’d come home and I’d be up all hours of the night with her as she’d curl up in the fetal position, sobbing that she’d rather be dead than gay. She was terrified people at school and church would find out who she was,” says Gina. “When we were on those trips, Lila had one focus and that was hockey. When we would come home, the reality of being gay would set in. Lila never attempted, but she was scared she’d hurt herself. Luckily, she’d reach out to me and talk about it.” On one particularly dark night right after coming home from an amazing hockey trip where Lila’s team qualified for Nationals, they were both exhausted after an especially long breakdown. Gina says, “I remember her crying and saying that she didn’t want to live anymore. That broke my heart to hear. I replied that ‘I could never be mad at you, but I would be so sad if you took your life, because I’d miss you so much’.” Lila replied, “Then I’m going to live for you this week.” Gina remembers feeling like, “That was a win. But that that’s all she felt she had to live for was so sad.”
Attending church had been hard for Lila long before her parents knew she was gay. She especially felt her dad’s pressure to go, but they had no idea they were pushing her into an unsafe space. Gina says, “It was hard to see that in a place she should feel safe, she wasn’t.” Despite the off-putting comments of peers in seminary, during her senior year, the Ellsworths were given a gift by way of Lila’s first female seminary teacher--one who was remarkably helpful and understanding. Lila’s attendance had been pretty sparse, but Gina felt she could only tell the teacher that she just wasn’t doing well and struggling with some things. The teacher was concerned and expressed love for Lila. Lila felt prompted to tell her teacher that she was gay. The teacher helped Lila by switching her scripture buddy when her first one said too many hurtful comments, and then later helped facilitate Lila being able to complete many of the assignments online so she could graduate. This same teacher invited them to attend their first ALL Are Alike Unto God LGBTQ+-affirming conference in Arizona, something the teacher also attended and supported. Gina says, “It was amazing to be in a room with that many people striving for the same thing.” Lila wasn’t out and Gina asked her how she’d feel if they ran into someone they knew, to which she replied, “At least we’ll know they're a safe person.” They loved the conference, which overlapped with their stake conference that weekend, and Gina says, “I felt the spirit and love so much more at ALL than at the stake conference, where some of the talks at the Saturday adult session put me in tears. But at ALL, we all belonged.”
Lila was accepted at the U where she now plays on the women’s hockey team along with her girlfriend, who was also on her travel team in Arizona. While her girlfriend is not religious, she has attended the YSA ward and activities a few times in Salt Lake to support Lila so she doesn’t have to show up alone. Her girlfriend recently attended the Gather Conference with Lila. She has been a huge support to Lila on this difficult journey. Gina says, “It’s amazing that Lila is able to date and feel what it’s like to love somebody, but she still battles the shame that she’s ‘acting on it.’ Trying to stay affiliated with the church has been hard for her.”
Since day one, Gina has found support through listening to the Listen, Learn and Love, Questions from the Closet, and Lift and Love podcasts, and more recently, she’s been touched that her husband has agreed to tune in here and there. This last year, he was eager to attend ALL with her and made it a priority. They’ve been able to join a quarterly parent group, where she has smiled with affection, listening to him proudly introduce them: “Hi, we’re Matt and Gina Ellsworth. We have a daughter who’s 19 and gay.” Gina is so grateful for this group where they can openly discuss their lives with people who understand both their painful and positive experiences. Too many other things have proven difficult for Gina, like most recently watching general conference where she had a hard time with some talks, but could find hope in others. Gina has also felt the need to pull back from some people to try to preserve her sense of safety and minimize the feelings that her family is being judged. “It’s hard to be in this space and explain it to those who haven’t—it’s hard to feel understood. It just feels very heavy and isolating.”
Recently, Gina has decided to pull back from attending church. “It’s been really hard going and seeing things through a different lens now. Yet, I’ve gotten so close to God because I truly feel like I don’t have anyone. Even though my husband and I are on the same journey, we deal with it differently. He still goes, saying the gospel is what keeps him strong and reckoning he can
support the church and his daughter. I feel a lot of sadness; I don’t know where Lila fits in all of it. I have the belief that when we’re done on earth, God will be gracious enough to know Lila’s heart and mine and things will work out in the end – but I have a hard time feeling it at church now.”
Gina has had unique experiences of peace at the temple where she has had strong confirmation that Lila is perfectly made just the way she is. Overall, she recognizes her daughter’s coming out as a blessing, saying, “I do feel like my love for people in this space has expanded so much because of Lila. Stepping into these spaces with conferences, parent nights, and support groups, we’ve gotten to hear all walks of life speak of their experiences. We’re better for it. I have a lot of peace about who Lila is. I wish the rest of the world could have that love and peace. The most important thing I can do is love.”
