Experiences with the discovery of attractions to the same sex are almost as varied as there are women who experience them. For some, the realization may come at an early age. For others, it might happen in their 40s, 50s or beyond. Realizing you have an attraction to women at any age can be startling and disorienting. It will likely cause you to examine past experiences through a new lens. You may struggle to make sense of it all. This process will require patience as it will take time to fully understand how your attraction to women fits into your life. Staying close to God through prayer will help you remember God’s compassion for you. You can receive divine directions as you seek to find congruence between your attractions and the other parts of your identity. You don’t need to hide your attraction to women from the Lord. You are God’s child, and you are known and loved deeply.

“Same-sex attraction” is not limited merely to romantic or erotic feelings for another woman; it can also mean intellectual, spiritual, and emotional feelings that draw you to women. Most women feel an emotional bond with friends that they do not have with male peers or partners. You may recognize a spark in a friendship that makes your friendship exciting and magnetic. It can initially be difficult to distinguish between having a close friend and falling in love. With honesty and self-awareness, you will be able to discern between friendship and romantic attraction—yearning for a romantic or physical relationship is not something to be ashamed of or rejected. If you have had intense and insistent feelings for friends, roommates, teammates, coaches, or mission companions, you can observe that pattern with curiosity and self-compassion. God will generously help you understand its meaning and impact as you reach out for insight and assurance of God’s continued love for you.

The Modified Kinsey Scale provides a framework for understanding the complexity of same-sex attraction. It shows how uniquely each woman might experience attraction to other women.

The original Kinsey Scale, developed by Alfred Kinsey, went from 0 (exclusive heterosexual behavior) to 6 (exclusive homosexual behavior). Later applications of the scale rated different aspects of sexuality. These distinctions make sense for most women, whose attractions, fantasies, behavior, and identity may land at different places on the scale at various times.

The value and power of the Modified Kinsey Scale is in observing ourselves with curiosity rather than categorizing or judging.

Modified Kinsey Scale

Other-sex Same-Sex

0__________Attractions_____________ 6

0__________Fantasies _____________ 6

0__________Behavior _____________ 6

0__________Identity _______________ 6

Identity is uniquely personal, and in matters of sexuality, each individual should choose the labels with which they identify based on what feels comfortable for them. You may decide to call yourself lesbian, gay, or bisexual or you may choose not to identify according to your attractions at all. Some women prefer the term SSA, meaning they experience same-sex attractions. There is no “right” way to identify, but you may wish to ask God for help deciding what would be best for you personally.

If you are not familiar with the meanings behind LGBTQIA+, here are some definitions. In addition to the common LGBTQ, you may also hear LGBTQIA+. The “I,” “A” and + (plus) refer to some of the many ways we experience sexual orientation or gender identity.

Some people use other terms they find more comfortable, or no terms at all. Often they move from one term to another as they learn more about themselves.

L: Lesbian is a woman who is primarily attracted to other women.

G: Gay refers to men who are attracted to men, but many women use this term as well. It can be a general term meaning anyone attracted to their own gender. If someone identifies as gay, it does not necessarily mean they are in a same-sex relationship; they may just use it to describe their orientation, not their behavior.

B: Bisexual women find themselves attracted to both men and women. This is usually a consistent pattern for their lives, not one random episode of same- or opposite-sex attraction.

T: Transgender describes a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their sex assigned at birth.

Q: Queer is becoming more common and can refer to either sexual orientation or gender identity or both (or neither). It is an umbrella term that covers many different situations.

I: Intersex is a broad term used that refers to people who carry variations in their reproductive and sexual anatomy that differ from what is traditionally male or female. These differences may be apparent at birth, during puberty, or only after DNA testing.

A: Asexual, or ace, is defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

A woman who has always considered herself heterosexual may be surprised by unexpected romantic feelings for a close female friend. This scenario is a manifestation of sexual fluidity: a situation-dependent flexibility in sexual responsiveness. It may only happen once, with one particular person, or it may appear as a shift in sexual interest over a longer period of time. It’s very hard to say on an individual basis whether these feelings will persist and to what degree, but one thing is clear: the intensity of the attractions is not a predictor of the duration of those feelings. They can be intense but short-lived, or milder but longer-lasting.

Most of us find that our fundamental orientation does not change. They may vary in intensity at different times in our live, but no matter what happens to the feelings, we learn to appreciate the gifts that come with them and can make individual choices of how to respond. Our attitudes may shift from “this is a terrible thing” to “this has brought me closer to God.” We begin to see that we can appreciate our love for women because it helps us serve them with empathy and compassion. We also realize that our own challenges help us hold a more non-judgmental space for others. We may draw closer to God as we seek direction and comfort. As you pray to understand what God wants you to learn from your same-sex attraction, God will open your eyes to gifts and blessings you may not have expected.

As you turn to Heavenly Father for comfort and direction, He will help you understand your path forward. He may only give you the next right thing. If inspiration comes one small step at a time, it will be a step toward God. The standard path that others follow may not fit your circumstances, but God can inspire you with increased understanding of yourself and what is best for you, while working in your life for good.

God creates and loves diversity; we can see it in all of His creations. Diversity beautifies the earth. The experiences we have with diversity of sexuality and gender are by purpose and design. These experiences cause us and our loved ones to humbly seek greater understanding, seek a closer relationship with God, and improve our relationships with each other. It is not by accident or mistake that you feel an attraction to women. It may be part of God’s plan for you. Understanding how that fits into the plan for your life is a personal journey. Go to God and trust that God knows you, loves you, and will guides your steps. Ultimately, the presence of LGBTQ individuals will teach people how to love God better and how to love each other better.

Each experience in life can help us know and love God, and it can help us to learn to know and love each other. Hopefully you will come to feel the great faith and trust that God has placed in you as you courageously navigate this part of your life.

Yes, there is a place for you at church. There are many LGBTQ members who attend regularly. Many wards and stakes want you to be there and to feel that you belong.

We encourage you to counsel with your local leaders and the Lord. We see God’s children who experience same-sex attraction as pioneers, walking an unfamiliar road. As you receive a better understanding of your journey, it is helpful to share those experiences with local church leaders to shift some of the myths and misunderstandings that are prevalent in our current culture.

The wards and stakes that are good at providing space for LGBTQ individuals have come to that point through thoughtful prayer and discussion with members who help them understand their needs and desire to continue to worship with their faith community. Counseling with your church leaders should be a two-sided discussion, where both of you share and learn from one another, and are edified by the spirit together.

Experiencing attraction to women might bring doubt and confusion into our hearts, as most of us have heard countless contradictory philosophies regarding sexuality and gender. It can be hard to sort through the many voices that tell us what we should or should not believe. Alma taught that we must plant seeds of faith, nourish them, and protect them from harm (Alma 32). If we do so, our understanding will be increased and our testimonies strengthened. We will be better able to discern truth and error. We plant these seeds of faith by believing and acting on the promptings we receive, we nourish them through study and prayer, and we protect them by carefully choosing which voices we invite to influence us.

Understanding the impact of Christ’s atonement in our personal lives is foundational to a testimony of His gospel. He is your personal Savior and advocate with the Father. He will not leave your side. To maintain a testimony of Him, seek Him, learn about His life, stay in relationship with Him, and strive to represent Him by treating others as He would. Maintaining and growing a testimony of Christ’s gospel requires effort, but you don’t need to be perfect to qualify for His help. Shame does not come from the Savior. Let go of feeling unworthy or feeling that you need to earn your place. Let Christ work in you and through you.

Each of us has a personal and unique way of living and self-identifying. Staying in the gospel while remaining obedient to God’s commandments is certainly a powerful way to live an authentic life. Many of us feel most true to ourselves as we remain committed to our covenant relationship with God.

Others feel the approval of God as they begin dating and/or partner with a woman. These choices are yours to make and can be guided by your own wisdom and self-authoring as well as the guidance of the Holy Ghost. Try to remain open to possibilities that may be unexpected or difficult.

The answer to this question is unique to every person, and should not be dictated by others’ experience, expectations, or even Coming Out Day. You may chose to keep this part of yourself private, share with a few trusted friends, or proclaim it to the world. There is no right answer, but you may feel compelled, even against your desires, to invite others to know you better. If you are experiencing shame around your attractions, sharing your truth and being met with empathy and love is often the antidote to that shame. God can help you to know who, when, and how when it is time.

You and God are the best judges of when to talk to your parents. Those who do so often find that He has been working to prepare parents to hear and respond well, but others have a more negative experience. Asking God to guide you and having a group of wise and trusted friends or leaders you’ve already talked to can create a safety net and have it in place before you share with your parents. Some choose to talk to their parents in person, while others may write a letter or email that will give their parents time to process before talking about it. Counseling with God and with those He leads you to trust will help you decide when and how. When and if you do decide to share, inform your safety net that you’ll be doing so and that you’ll be checking in with them before and after you share.

There are two primary reasons to talk with your Bishop or Branch President; for help with a repentance process or to have a spiritual advisor who can listen to you and offer an inspired perspective. Whether you talk to your leaders depends on your need, the direction you feel when you pray, and your feelings about the leader. Some women feel more comfortable sharing with another woman, or having another person (male or female) present when meeting with their priesthood leader. Because additional responsibilities have been delegated to Relief Societies and Elders Quorums, your Bishop or Branch President can use the inspiration that comes with his mantle to have one of the leaders in the Relief Society to help support you on an ongoing basis. This may be more comfortable for you, especially at first. If he doesn’t come up with this idea on his own and you think it could be helpful, there is no harm in suggesting it.

Talking to your spouse can increase vulnerability and openness in your marriage. It can also be a shock and create fear and confusion for your spouse. He will wonder what this means for you and for your relationship. Are you leaving the Church? Leaving the marriage? Pray for guidance, be aware of what his fears will be, and be specific in your intent. Husbands usually need on-going reassurance as well as an understanding of what this means for the future and how they can support you.

It’s important to understand that your spouse will need to go through his own process of coming to grips with this disclosure. That could look messy, just as your process might at times, so please remember to be patient with each other. Keep in mind that you’ve probably had years to think about this, and he is just learning about it for the first time. While you can help your spouse with this process, He will also likely need support from other individuals who have experience and understanding, or perhaps a trusted therapist or friend. You can encourage your spouse to get additional support.

This process of disclosure and new understanding may mean you and your spouse need to step back from other responsibilities in your church or community in order to focus on your relationship and your family, and this is totally fine.

So many factors play into this decision, including age, maturity, and your intentions for the future. Ask God to give you the right words to say to address the fears they may feel about the future of the family and their own well-being.

There is nothing evil or inherently destructive about your attraction to women. You have agency and stewardship over your life, to decide what is healthy and beneficial to you and your family. God will guide you as you seek direction, but ultimately will leave decisions up to you.

Family members may feel fear about what your growing acceptance of yourself and your attractions means for them. We can do our part to build trust with those closest to us, but ultimately, each person in our life will make their own decisions about how they will accept this part of us. The healing power of time and perspective may soften hearts over time. You can trust God to work in their lives as well as yours.